Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy.....Jane Curtin
Gynecologist.....Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks on the phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he's in the bathroom so I've got to talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that this would be the greatest blind date of my life -- he's cute, he's fun, he's a doctor? He's my gynecologist. ... Because she never told me his last name, that's why! ... Well, nothing's happened so far except he said my pap test came out okay. ... Well, I don't know, it's just so awkward. I mean, the last time I saw his face, it was coming up between my knees. ... It's embarrassing. I just don't know if I can go through-- [a door opens] I gotta get off -- he's coming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read a magazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, "Silent Movie" comes on at eight o'clock and, uh, "The Omen" -- it might be a--

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don't think I can go through with this.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with my gynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well ... because ... I don't even know what movie we're seeing yet and you've already gotten to third base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform a professional service for ya, just like an accountant. It's like, it's like if you were datin' your accountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn't mind if you'd seen the inside of my checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let's talk about somethin' else, change the subject. That's a great lookin' shirt ya got on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You've never seen me in anything but white paper. Hey, doesn't it ever get to you? I mean, knowing that you've seen the inside of my ...

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that's the difference. To you, they're "these things." To me, they're MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn't mean it that way. It's just like if-- I mean, imagine lookin' at thirty or forty "things" a day, you know? Uh, if you can't-- If you're worryin' about what I remember about yours, you know, I can't even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can't?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want to see "Silent Movie," we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can't remember ... one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin'? Ha ha! Jokin', of course, I'm only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad because I DON'T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It's wonderful to know that the man who probably has the most intimate contact with your body can't remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I'm a doctor. I can't think of my patients sexually. I have to think of 'em objectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what you are? You're thinkin' like everybody else thinks. You think it was a choice for me of either bein' a gynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-night movie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not that choice. Do you know what it was like for me in school? All my friends made me write down everything I saw so they could read it in the bathroom later. And the other residents, man, they thought THEY were workin' but I was gettin' a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date, any woman that I was ever out with eventually got around to asking why I was ever interested in bein' a gynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot when I was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did I have bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts, you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn't everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don't think that I necessarily--

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Come on, you could be havin' 'em right now. Look at the way you cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I--

Gynecologist: In fact, that's probably why you started this whole damn thing -- you're tryin' to get in my knickers. I'm teasin'.

Judy: It's not that I haven't noticed you. I - I have occasionally peeked over the sheet -- once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we're gettin' down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey, you wanna-- If it'll make you feel better, you know-- Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist by accident. I felt funny about this thing and somebody fixed us up -- for me. That's all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin' over the sheet, I was peekin' under it. [takes her hand] Hey, can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let's get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opens it for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turns to him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows her out, shutting the door behind him. We pan across the empty room and off the set to the applauding audience. A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT... PIGGY BANKS FOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

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