75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge
Gynecologist Blind Date
[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks on
Judy: Margie, listen, he's in the bathroom so I've got
to talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that this
would be the greatest blind date of my life -- he's
cute, he's fun, he's a doctor? He's my gynecologist.
... Because she never told me his last name, that's
why! ... Well, nothing's happened so far except he
said my pap test came out okay. ... Well, I don't
know, it's just so awkward. I mean, the last time I
saw his face, it was coming up between my knees. ...
It's embarrassing. I just don't know if I can go
through-- [a door opens] I gotta get off -- he's
coming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read a
Gynecologist: [enters] Well, "Silent Movie" comes on
at eight o'clock and, uh, "The Omen" -- it might be
Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don't think I can go through with
Judy: Going out with you. Going out with my
Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]
Judy: Well ... because ... I don't even know what
movie we're seeing yet and you've already gotten to
Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform a
professional service for ya, just like an accountant.
It's like, it's like if you were datin' your
Judy: Hey, I wouldn't mind if you'd seen the inside of
Gynecologist: Look, let's talk about somethin' else,
change the subject. That's a great lookin' shirt ya
Judy: Well, are you sure? You've never seen me in
anything but white paper. Hey, doesn't it ever get to
you? I mean, knowing that you've seen the inside of my
Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.
Judy: Well, that's the difference. To you, they're
"these things." To me, they're MY things.
Gynecologist: Now, I didn't mean it that way. It's
just like if-- I mean, imagine lookin' at thirty or
forty "things" a day, you know? Uh, if you can't-- If
you're worryin' about what I remember about yours, you
know, I can't even remember which one it was.
Judy: You can't?
Judy: That is a relief.
Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want to
see "Silent Movie," we ought to go right now.
Judy: You really can't remember ... one thing?
Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.
Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?
Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin'?
Ha ha! Jokin', of course, I'm only kidding, you see.
Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad because
I DON'T remember, now?
Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It's wonderful to know that the
man who probably has the most intimate contact with
your body can't remember one thing.
Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I'm a doctor. I can't
think of my patients sexually. I have to think of 'em
Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what you
are? You're thinkin' like everybody else thinks. You
think it was a choice for me of either bein' a
gynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-night
movie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not that
choice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?
All my friends made me write down everything I saw so
they could read it in the bathroom later. And the
other residents, man, they thought THEY were workin'
but I was gettin' a little.
Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,
any woman that I was ever out with eventually got
around to asking why I was ever interested in bein' a
gynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot when
I was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did I
have bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,
Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?
Gynecologist: Doesn't everybody? You do, admit it.
Judy: Well, I don't think that I necessarily--
Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Come
on, you could be havin' 'em right now. Look at the way
you cross your legs.
Judy: Well, no, I--
Gynecologist: In fact, that's probably why you started
this whole damn thing -- you're tryin' to get in my
knickers. I'm teasin'.
Judy: It's not that I haven't noticed you. I - I have
occasionally peeked over the sheet -- once.
Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we're gettin'
down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,
you wanna-- If it'll make you feel better, you know--
Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist by
accident. I felt funny about this thing and somebody
fixed us up -- for me. That's all.
Judy: Do you mean that?
Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin' over the
sheet, I was peekin' under it. [takes her hand] Hey,
can we be friends about it?
Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?
Gynecologist: Let's get out.
[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opens
it for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turns
to him, very pleased.]
Judy: You DID notice.
[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows her
out, shutting the door behind him. We pan across the
empty room and off the set to the applauding audience.
A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT... PIGGY BANKS
FOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]