75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Narrator.....Michael O'Donoghue
Aramis McCord.....Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut.....Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man.....John Belushi
Black Man.....Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station locker room. One shuts his locker and turns to his partner who sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinese tonight?

Kevin Brut: I don't know, partner. Seems to me, uh, we ate Chinese a couple o' nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn't Chinese. That was Polynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, same difference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and look off-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It's a code five. Let's roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to a filmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panning camera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style cop show music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 -- a pretty tough town. Remember all those people you saw locked up on "Dragnet"? Well, they're out now -- every one of them. They're out and it takes a new breed of cop to handle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. -- it's a toy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: "Police State"!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching, horns honking and general mayhem. A superimposition reads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tiny vehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set. The two police officers seen earlier are shown inset over the model city. They style their hair and try to look super-cool. The narrator's words are superimposed as he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut ... and Aramis McCord. With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week's episode: "If He Hollers" ...

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closed apartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, the cops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appears in the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at the suspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he's dead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCord puts a hand on Brut's shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how 'bout Italian? Nah, how 'bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a little chicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don't know, bro'. That stuff always upsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How 'bout Greek? We could eat Greek. We could have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won't upset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well ...

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It's a code eleven-fourteen. Let's ... roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to the filmed insert of a city street using the rapidly panning camera that blurs the image. Funky theme music. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching, horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchbox vehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering it with a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurred city streets and then to a small room in which a bearded man stands quietly with his arms raised, apparently having just hung a painting on the wall. The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the man instantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keeping their guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney and to have that attorney present during questioning. [The cops holster their guns and immediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How 'bout Italian? You always like Italian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I'm tryin' to lose a few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything you say can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how 'bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over on Alameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get a nice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a small endive salad -- what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don't even bother to look.]

Aramis McCord: It's a code six-oh-nine. Let's roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundabout fashion by running along one wall, then to the door. Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred city street. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A giant hand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile of crashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire. It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles into the inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircase where a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. The two cops are right behind him, firing away. He falls down dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I'll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just to make sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel about Mexican? You'd like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn't we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn't Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o' one, amigo, six o' one. [They both laugh.] Come on, let's go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, they walk to the camera and freeze as the music increases in volume and the show's credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing
CHAD PINTO
SHEP GREMLIN
GRIFF MALIBU
FARL DUSTER
THAD DASHER
GAR CHARGER

Produced by
LUKE FURY III

Directed by
GIL MAVERICK

Written by
LINC POLARA
ROY TORONADO
CLIFF LAGUNA

Script Consultant
TOD CAPRICE

Musical Director
KIT MUSTANG

Talent Coordinators
GUY VOLARE
WALD COUGAR

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred city street. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Here are a few scenes from the next episode of "Police State" ...

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city where the massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles has gotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut, still frozen, smiling into the camera as more credits roll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by
SCOTT MARLIN

Associate Producer
DAG TORINO

Assistant to the Producer
KEITH CAMARO

Unit Managers
LANE JAVELIN
BRIAN PACER

Makeup
YVES LE BARON

Technical Director
MERL BOBCAT

Audio
ADAM SPRITE

Video
MATT CIVIC

Lighting
BEN GRANADA

Costume Designer
KENT CORONET

Scenic Designer
WARD CUTLASS

Associate Scenic Designer
RAMSEY COLT

Stage Manager
STACY RABBIT

Graphics
BRAM ELITE

Don Pardo: Stay tuned for "SWAT, Police Tailor" -- an officer's first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it's finally all over.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]

[SUPER: "Coming up Next... Leprosy - The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?"]

[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]

[whoops - an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]

[SUPER: "Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour"]

[she laughs, as we fade completely]


Submitted Anonymously