75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge
Written by: Michael O'Donoghue
Aramis McCord.....Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut.....Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man.....John Belushi
Black Man.....Garrett Morris
[Two uniformed officers in a police station locker
room. One shuts his locker and turns to his partner
who sits nearby, tying his shoes:]
Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinese
Kevin Brut: I don't know, partner. Seems to me, uh, we
ate Chinese a couple o' nights ago.
Aramis McCord: That wasn't Chinese. That was
Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, same
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and look
Aramis McCord: It's a code five. Let's roll!
[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to a
filmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panning
camera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style cop
show music plays. A police siren wails.]
Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 -- a pretty
tough town. Remember all those people you saw locked
up on "Dragnet"? Well, they're out now -- every one of
them. They're out and it takes a new breed of cop to
[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. -- it's a
Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: "Police
[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,
horns honking and general mayhem. A superimposition
reads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tiny
vehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.
The two police officers seen earlier are shown inset
over the model city. They style their hair and try to
look super-cool. The narrator's words are superimposed
as he speaks them:]
Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut ... and Aramis McCord.
With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week's
episode: "If He Hollers" ...
[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closed
apartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, the
cops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appears
in the doorway.]
Cooperative Man: Yes?
Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.
Cooperative Man: Sure thing.
[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at the
suspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he's
dead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCord
puts a hand on Brut's shoulder.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how 'bout Italian? Nah, how
'bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a little
chicken curry, what do ya say?
Kevin Brut: I don't know, bro'. That stuff always
upsets my stomach. You know.
Aramis McCord: How 'bout Greek? We could eat Greek. We
could have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won't
upset your stomach.
Kevin Brut: Well ...
[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]
Aramis McCord: It's a code eleven-fourteen. Let's ...
[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to
the filmed insert of a city street using the rapidly
panning camera that blurs the image. Funky theme
music. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.
Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,
horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchbox
vehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering it
with a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurred
city streets and then to a small room in which a
bearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,
apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.
The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!
[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the man
instantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keeping
their guns pointed at it.]
Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have the
right to remain silent. You have the right to an
attorney and to have that attorney present during
questioning. [The cops holster their guns and
Aramis McCord: How 'bout Italian? You always like
Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I'm tryin' to lose
a few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything you
say can and will be used against you in evidence.
Aramis McCord: Hey, how 'bout French?
Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over on
Alameida with the colored umbrellas?
Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get a
nice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a small
endive salad -- what do you say?
[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don't even bother to
Aramis McCord: It's a code six-oh-nine. Let's roll!
[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundabout
fashion by running along one wall, then to the door.
Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred city
street. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.
Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A giant
hand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile of
crashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.
It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles into
the inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircase
where a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. The
two cops are right behind him, firing away. He falls
down dead at the bottom of the stairs.]
Kevin Brut: Stop or I'll shoot!
[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just to
make sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]
Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel about
Mexican? You'd like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?
Kevin Brut: Didn't we, uh, kill Mexican last night?
Aramis McCord: That wasn't Mexican. That was Filipino.
Kevin Brut: Six o' one, amigo, six o' one. [They both
laugh.] Come on, let's go get a bite to eat.
Aramis McCord: Okay.
[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, they
walk to the camera and freeze as the music increases
in volume and the show's credits rapidly roll by:
LUKE FURY III
[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred city
street. Noisy sound effects.]
Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Here
are a few scenes from the next episode of "Police
[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city where
the massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles has
gotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,
still frozen, smiling into the camera as more credits
roll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]
Assistant to the Producer
YVES LE BARON
Associate Scenic Designer
Don Pardo: Stay tuned for "SWAT, Police Tailor" -- an
officer's first duty is to his uniform.
[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it's
finally all over.]
[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]
[SUPER: "Coming up Next... Leprosy - The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?"]
[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]
[whoops - an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]
[SUPER: "Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour"]
[she laughs, as we fade completely]