75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge
I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night
Sherry Norwalk.....Laraine Newman
[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]
Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC--that’s the Federal Communications Club--to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!
Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”
Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And--’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.
[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]
Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!
[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]
Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”
[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]
Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.
Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.
Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.
[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]
Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil...
[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]
Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.
[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]
Sherry: It’s really disgusting.
[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]
Submitted by: Sean