76b: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs
Paid Political Announcement
Written by: Rosie Shuster
Jimmy Carter.....Dan Aykroyd
[ SUPER: "Paid Political Announcement" ]
Jimmy Carter: Uh, hi there, everybody. It's good to see your faces. Tonight I want to talk to you about a timeless Democratic tradition - sexual performance in the White House! [ smiles and salutes the crowd ] I am going to personally try to be a lusty, zesty kind of president, and follow.. [ winks at girl in the crowd ] Hi, baby. How are you? [ returns to speech ] ..and follow the lusty example of LBJ, JFK, and FDR. I want you to remember for a moment the love life of Harry Truman, and my guess is that his First Lady was one satisfied customer! [ makes kissing gestures to girls in the crowd ]
It is in my heart that I have commited adultery, and that God forgives me, and.. um.. I forgot to add when I said that, that I have worn women's clothing.. [ pauses and smiles ] ..and I look very beautiful in it, too! I dont know why I said that, but I think that in the long run it will help me get elected!
You know, when stopping like this, I have had the opportunity to lust after a lot of women in America, and I have found that.. "East coast girls are really hip, I really dig the styles they wear.." [ pauses and smiles ] "..and the Northern girls, with the way they look, they keep me warm up there.." [ clicks along ] "I wish they all could be California girls!"
So far in my campaign, I have only fantisized. But now I actually look forward to some of the girls I've lusted after. Saucy vixens like Helena Kazan, Sheri Lewis, Phyliss Newman - actually, I'm not sure God ever forgave me for Phyliss Newman. But I want you to look at our Democratic figures - FDR, LBJ, JFK, Harry Truman - now, here were lusty, zesty men, seething with vital hormonal secretions. These were men of action. Doers. Democrats! As your president, I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every last one of you!
God forgive us all! Thank you!
[ waves and salutes crowd ]
[ dissolve to SUPER: "Democrats Do It" ]
[ fade out ]
Submitted by: Rebecca Green