Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3







76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Dragnet

Joe Friday.....Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning.....Eric Idle
Driver.....Gilda Radner
Harvey Goldblatt.....Garrett Morris
Wife.....Laraine Newman
Husband.....John Belushi

[ open on "Dragnet" police badge logo ]

Joe Friday V/O: This is the city -- Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.

[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name's Friday. My partner's name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women's clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]

Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.

[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.

[ the telephone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.

[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]

Joe Friday V/O: We didn't answer.

[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ]

[ the phone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.

[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]

Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we'll be right there.

[ Saturday Morning hangs up ]

[ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ]

[ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]

Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge -- where are we goin'?

Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.

Saturday Morning: 10-3!

Joe Friday: 10-4.

Saturday Morning: Sorry.

Joe Friday: Right.

[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]

Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.

[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]

Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.

[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ]

[ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]

Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look -- there's Officer Goldblatt.

[ they run over ]

[ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]

Joe Friday: What's up, Harvey?

Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.

Joe Friday: Why didn't you move in their yourself?

Harvey Goldblatt: I've got a snag in my pantyhose!

Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we'll take care of it. Let's go!

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ]

[ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ]

[ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]

Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!

[ she opens the door ]

Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We're police officers!

Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma'am.

Wife: How do I know you are?

Joe Friday: We're plainclothesmen.

Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I've paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?

Joe Friday: I mean "plain cothes" -- a term for "undercover".

Saturday Morning: Oh. Don't you like this frock?

Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma'am? Your husband home?

Saturday Morning: Uhhh -- uhhh -- NO! No, uh -- no. He's not here, uh -- he went OUT! I'm not married!

Husband: Honey? Who is it?

[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]

Joe Friday: You're under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let's go!

Saturday Morning: I'm wearing the same frock...

Joe Friday: Let's go!

Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay...

Joe Friday: Let's go!

Husband: Alright...

Saturday Morning: Come on!

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it's NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It's a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.

Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!

John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean -- I mean, over there, drag's acceptable. It's, uh -- it's everyday office wear. I mean -- but here it is just... not... funny! It doesn't work, there's no, uhhh -- you know, I'm not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know -- so don't -- don't -- don't try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it's NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!

Eric Idle: Well, let's cut it here!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!

[ Belushi ambles off ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh -- I can -- I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it's just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh -- my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.

Eric Idle: That's true.

Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh -- what do -- what do you want to do, then? Sorry.

Eric Idle: Do you, uh -- do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?

Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.

[ they start to exit the set ]

John Belushi: Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?

John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once --

Dan Aykroyd: I'll stay hungry! [?]

[ Eric and Dan exit the set ]

Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.

John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well...

Laraine Newman: Well, that's great --

John Belushi: Some people can, some people can't...

Laraine Newman: Well, uh --

John Belushi: I look good in everything!

Laraine Newman: Look -- [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?

John Belushi: Uh -- why don't we show some movie, I guess.

Laraine Newman: Okay, let's go there.


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