76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff
Joe Friday.....Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning.....Eric Idle
Harvey Goldblatt.....Garrett Morris
[ open on "Dragnet" police badge logo ]
Joe Friday V/O: This is the city -- Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.
[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name's Friday. My partner's name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.
[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women's clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]
Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.
[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.
[ the telephone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.
[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]
Joe Friday V/O: We didn't answer.
[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ]
[ the phone rings again ]
Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.
[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]
Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we'll be right there.
[ Saturday Morning hangs up ]
[ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ]
[ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]
Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge -- where are we goin'?
Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.
Saturday Morning: 10-3!
Joe Friday: 10-4.
Saturday Morning: Sorry.
Joe Friday: Right.
[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]
Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.
[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]
Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.
[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ]
[ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]
Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look -- there's Officer Goldblatt.
[ they run over ]
[ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]
Joe Friday: What's up, Harvey?
Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.
Joe Friday: Why didn't you move in their yourself?
Harvey Goldblatt: I've got a snag in my pantyhose!
Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we'll take care of it. Let's go!
[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ]
[ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ]
[ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]
Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!
[ she opens the door ]
Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We're police officers!
Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma'am.
Wife: How do I know you are?
Joe Friday: We're plainclothesmen.
Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I've paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?
Joe Friday: I mean "plain cothes" -- a term for "undercover".
Saturday Morning: Oh. Don't you like this frock?
Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma'am? Your husband home?
Saturday Morning: Uhhh -- uhhh -- NO! No, uh -- no. He's not here, uh -- he went OUT! I'm not married!
Husband: Honey? Who is it?
[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]
Joe Friday: You're under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let's go!
Saturday Morning: I'm wearing the same frock...
Joe Friday: Let's go!
Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay...
Joe Friday: Let's go!
Saturday Morning: Come on!
John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it's NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It's a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.
Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!
John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean -- I mean, over there, drag's acceptable. It's, uh -- it's everyday office wear. I mean -- but here it is just... not... funny! It doesn't work, there's no, uhhh -- you know, I'm not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know -- so don't -- don't -- don't try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it's NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!
Eric Idle: Well, let's cut it here!
Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!
[ Belushi ambles off ]
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh -- I can -- I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it's just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh -- my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.
Eric Idle: That's true.
Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh -- what do -- what do you want to do, then? Sorry.
Eric Idle: Do you, uh -- do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?
Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.
[ they start to exit the set ]
John Belushi: Dan?
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?
John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once --
Dan Aykroyd: I'll stay hungry! [?]
[ Eric and Dan exit the set ]
Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.
John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well...
Laraine Newman: Well, that's great --
John Belushi: Some people can, some people can't...
Laraine Newman: Well, uh --
John Belushi: I look good in everything!
Laraine Newman: Look -- [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?
John Belushi: Uh -- why don't we show some movie, I guess.
Laraine Newman: Okay, let's go there.