76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Green Cross Cupcakes

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Wife ... Karen Black
Husband ... John Belushi
Scientist ... Chevy Chase
Technicians ... Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer ... Dan Aykroyd

[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits at table, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. The cupcake has white frosting with two lines of green icing forming a cross on top.]

Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.

Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, they don't cause cancer.

Husband: What?

Wife: I said, they don't cause cancer ... [addresses the audience] ... because these are Green Cross Cupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma Ray Laboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for five years. And here are the results ... [as the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off and instantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containing squealing jumbo white rats -- and a handful of Green Cross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, all of them lived, except one that got his little head caught between the bars.

Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of 'em ate only cupcakes?

Wife: Yes -- [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen again] -- that and a little bit of the wood chips found in their cages. But why take my word for it? See for yourself.

[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footage from the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve to the lab. We see about forty wire cages filled with screaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on, plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie red glow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with every flash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coats with a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks and gloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies, walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carrying a stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green Cross Cupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where the husband regards a cupcake in his hand.]

Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I'll try another delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I'll have as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake in his mouth]

Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from these jumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?

Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the words TRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I'm a scientist. Under the "Truth in Advertising" law, I'm obliged to point out that there's no evidence linking cupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not even remotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years from now, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]

Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can't even read the damn paper any more. All I know is I have to take care of my family and do what's best for them so I say: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed 'em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes. Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.

[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearly whole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying their cupcakes.]

Announcer: Dogs love 'em, too! Woof! Woof!


Submitted Anonymously