76d: Karen Black / John Prine
Green Cross Cupcakes
Written by: Michael O'Donoghue
Wife ... Karen Black
Husband ... John Belushi
Scientist ... Chevy Chase
Technicians ... Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer ... Dan Aykroyd
[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits at
table, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. The
cupcake has white frosting with two lines of green
icing forming a cross on top.]
Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.
Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, they
don't cause cancer.
Wife: I said, they don't cause cancer ... [addresses
the audience] ... because these are Green Cross
Cupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma Ray
Laboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for five
years. And here are the results ... [as the words
TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off and
instantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containing
squealing jumbo white rats -- and a handful of Green
Cross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, all
of them lived, except one that got his little head
caught between the bars.
Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of 'em
ate only cupcakes?
Wife: Yes -- [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash
onscreen again] -- that and a little bit of the wood
chips found in their cages. But why take my word for
it? See for yourself.
[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footage
from the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve to
the lab. We see about forty wire cages filled with
screaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on,
plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie red
glow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with every
flash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coats
with a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks and
gloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies,
walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carrying
a stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green Cross
Cupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where the
husband regards a cupcake in his hand.]
Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I'll try
another delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I'll
have as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake in
Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from these
jumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?
Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the words
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I'm a
scientist. Under the "Truth in Advertising" law, I'm
obliged to point out that there's no evidence linking
cupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not even
remotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years from
now, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]
Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can't even read
the damn paper any more. All I know is I have to take
care of my family and do what's best for them so I
say: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed
'em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes.
Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.
[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearly
whole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying their
Announcer: Dogs love 'em, too! Woof! Woof!