76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Speak Out for Milk

... Chevy Chase
... Don Pardo
... Joe Dicso

[Handsome actor Chevy Chase, dressed casually, holds a glass of milk and smiles into the camera. SUPER: CHEVY CHASE Actor]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, milk's got just about everything your body needs to start the day off right. Why, one glass contains more Vitamin A and calcium than a thick sirloin steak. Delicious with almost anything. And milk leaves you with that awful sour breath and white stuff in the corners of your mouth.

Director: [off screen] Cut! Uh, just tone it down, please, Chevy. Uh, could we try it again?

Chevy Chase: I'm sorry.

[SNL stage manager Joe Dicso enters, holding a clapboard up to the camera.]

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-two. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, my body's, uh, just about the most important thing to me. And I care about what I put into it. That's why I drink fresh, whole milk at least three times a day. Gives me quick energy, helps me to look and feel younger and increases the serum cholesterol in men who drink too much of it.

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-three. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I'm out for dinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquor drink or something like that or her date or her friend's date or something like that, you know, and they're all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me, he says, So, uh, what'll be? You know? And I just sort of smile and pop right up and say, "Milk, please!" You know why? Because I know that a single glass of delicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you a quick heart attack if you drink it too fast. That's right--

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-four. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: [sips milk] Mm mm. De-lish! I know a friend who gets these fatty deposits right under here. [pulls at his lower eyelids]

Director: [off screen] Cut it!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-five. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: Lot of health food experts think that milk is mucus-forming. I don't know what that means but I suppose it's true. I love milk myself. [gestures, spilling some milk] I've always been--

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: SPEAK OUT FOR MILK]

Don Pardo V/O: Speak out for milk -- it's the delicious natural drink that's not filling and IS fattening.


Submitted Anonymously