76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Steve Martin's Monologue

.....Steve Martin

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

[Martin enters, runs down stairs to home base where he stands between his banjo and a stool upon which are some props. He basks in applause, wearing his trademark white suit with black shoes and red necktie.]

Steve Martin: [arms in the air] Thank you very much. Thank you, this is too much, thank you, thank you! [bows] Okay! Well, I didn't expect this. [bows] Thank you very much. Okay. We're havin' some fun now, eh, folks? Okay, it's, uh, great to be here in New York. Um, I know that sounds phony 'cause every entertainer in the world comes out no matter where they are and they always go "HEY! IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!" And it really sounds fake. But, believe me, I am sincere when I say, "HEY! IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE!" Okay, no, seriously, it is great to be here. And, um, well, actually, it's great to be ... here. [steps one pace to his right] Okay, so-- No! It's great to be here! [a few steps to his left] This is where it's great to be. [walks upstage] No! It's great to be here, too! [turns, heads back downstage] Well, I'll never forget how great it was to be over there. [back where he started] Okay, we're movin' now. [takes a glass of water from stool] 'Scuse me. [sips water through straw, puts glass back on stool, spits out a mouthful of water to his left] All right.

We on? [waves hands in mock protest] Okay, okay, okay, okay. To, uh, open the show, I always like to do one thing that IS impossible. [holds up straw from water glass] So right now I'm going to suck this stool into my lungs. [bends over stool and tries to suck stool through straw - nothing happens, of course - straightens up, with mock disappointment] Oh, darn. [throws straw away] Okay! Well, here's something you don't often see. [jumps up and down twice, grunting, wild-eyed, while stretching corners of mouth with fingers] Okay, um. You know, a lot of people come to me - they say, Steve, how can you be so damn funny? Well, uh, I'm kinda gettin' out of the comedy thing now, uh, gettin' more into the music so I'd like to do a banjo tune for ya right now. Here we go. [picks up banjo, applause] Thank you very much. Thank you. [straps on banjo, pauses] I don't deserve it. All right. Was it free to get in? [audience says "yes"] It's free? Okay. Get your money's worth on this. Okay, doesn't matter if it's free to get in, whatever, uh, we're on network, uh, big show. You're expecting to see a professional show so let's not waste any more time! Here we go with ... PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS! Let's go, hey! [picks a note or two on banjo, then immediately backs away and starts tuning it]

Here we go. [plays a steady rhythmic riff] Hey, this guy's good. [sings] "Well, I'm ramblin', ramblin' 'round, I'm a ramblin' guy, I'm ramblin', oh, yes, oh, yes!" [whistles poorly, shrugs, speaks] Free to get in. [sings] "I'm a ramblin' guy - R-A-M-B-L-I-N apostrophe, oh yes, I'm ramblin' -- Ramblin' to New York City, N-Y-C! Rent a car, get a hotel, for only two hundred dollars a day. Oh, yes." [speaks] Okay, everybody! "I'm a ram--" Come on! Sing with me! Come on, have some fun, come on! "Ramblin' ..." Are you people uptight or somethin'? You can't sing along--? Oh, I forgot... New York. [applause, keeps playing] Okay! All right, ladies only! "Oh, look! A ramblin' guy!" Come on! Okay, this half of the room! Beautiful! Now this half! Good, good! All right, two fifths! Now, three-fifths! Good. Seven-ninths! Two-ninths. All right, in Chinese now! [sings Chinese gibberish, then sings in English:] "Well, I'm ramblin', ramblin', ramblin', ramblin', ramblin', ramblin', ramblin', ramblin'! Ram! Mah! BLINNNN!" [suddenly launches into a long, snappy, complex banjo instrumental, smiles and raises eyebrows at audience, stops, takes a fake arrow-through-the-head prop from the stool and puts it on] I like to keep the laughs rolling even while I'm playing. [finishes banjo tune triumphantly] Heyyyy! [applause]

[sings without banjo] "Oh, I'm a neat guy!" [speaks] Excuse me, excuse me. All right, um, you know, uh, the banjo's such a happy instrument, it really is. It's a good thing for a comedian, like me, and, uh, it's just a happy thing, you know. [plays a happy melody] Isn't that happy? You just can't sing a depressing song when you're playing the banjo. You can't go-- [grins, plays and sings] "Oh, murder and death and grief and sorrow!" [pauses, holds up his hand] Really, when you're with me, it's like being at Shakey's Pizza, you know? It's just... [plays "Ain't She Sweet?"] Hey! [keeps playing "Ain't She Sweet?" but sings "Swanee River"] "Way down upon the Swanee River..." [gets confused, peers at banjo, stops playing, waves dismissively]

Okay, I wanna do this, uh, last banjo tune and, uh, we'll move on with the show. Could I get, like, a tight shot, maybe, on the fingers, on this, okay? Dave? Dave Wilson, the director. I'd like to start off with a tight shot, okay? [no tight shot appears, gets annoyed] I did this thing in dress. I thought we had it worked out. I'm sorry. [clears throat, gets increasingly upset] Okay, I'll do something else then. I can go with it, all right? You know what I'm saying? It's just, uh, um, you know, you ask for something, you think you're gonna get it, throws you off, when you're a performer, a professional like I am, and uh, I'm sorry if I look a little angry but, uh, I guess I am, because, uh, you know, it hurts you. You know what I'm saying? It hurts the people who are watching the show when me, the artist, comes out here and I can't get, what, a little cooperation, you know what I mean? I mean, I can't get a little help from the backstage crew? EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE! [applause, still upset] I'm sorry! I'm angry! [plays banjo tune, suddenly breaks out into a happy grin, apologetic] I'm sorry! We'll be back after this commercial! [tight shot on the fingers playing the banjo as we fade out]


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