Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Steve Martin Stand-Up

.....Steve Martin

[Steve Martin, wearing a brown suit, stands at home base.]

Steve Martin: Thank you. How do you like the show so far? Okay, we're havin' some fun out here tonight, I guess, huh? [laughs] You know, a lot of people come to me, they say, Steve, you're a ramblin' guy, um, you must meet a lot of girls on the road. I'd just like to dispel that rumor. Uh, it's kind of a myth about entertainers, uh, you know, you travel around from town to town, one night at a time and, you know, you don't have time to meet anybody and, uh, I'm not into that one night thing, you know? I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love with them before you use and degrade them. So ...

I don't know if I looked a little mad, uh, during the show tonight. I'm a little angry, I guess. Uh, I'm just, uh... Boy. I don't know, I'm just mad at my mother. I don't know, she just, uh, she calls me up the other day. She wants to borrow ten dollars for some food! Can you believe that? I said, "Hey! I work for a living!" So I loan her the money. Yesterday, she calls me up and says she can't pay me back for a while. I said, "Hey! What is this?!" So I worked out a deal with her. I'm having her, uh, work on my transmission. And, uh, move my barbells up to the attic. So that's pretty good, huh? [laughs]

Oh, gosh! My shoelace is untied! [laughs, bends down but the shoelace is tied, rises, laughs] Oh, I love playing jokes on myself!

All right. Boy, I had a - had a weird experience the other day. See, Jackie Onassis has always been one of my favorite people, you know? It's like I've always idolized her from afar, you know, and I've always wanted to meet her, you know, but fat chance I'm gonna meet Jackie Onassis, right? Well... [clears throat] I was in a laundromat in Tucson, Arizona. And I looked over and there she was -- Jackie Onassis, my idol -- and I couldn't believe it, you know? So I got all excited and I went up to her and I said, "Hey! Howzit goin'?" And, uh, she said, "Fine" and everything was good. So I asked her out for lunch. And I couldn't believe it. She accepted. And I was so proud, you know, to be able to go someplace with my idol, Jackie Onassis, so elegant, sophisticated. So I took her to this really great restaurant. And the waiter brought the food. ... And she was a pig. Really. It was unbelievable! She wouldn't use a knife and fork! She goes [pretends to suck food off plate with mouth] Oh! And she picked up the hard rolls and she threw 'em at people. [mimes throwing rolls] She picked up two fried eggs, she goes [pretends to slap two fried eggs on his breasts] "Heeeeyyyyy!" And she thought it was funny! You know? And the waiter'd come by and she'd lift up her dress [mimes lifting dress over his head] -- "Aaaaahhhhh!" Oh! What a letdown, you know what I mean?

Whew! You know why people can get away with stuff like that? I'll tell you exactly why people get away with that. Because the public has a short memory. That's why all these big stars do these crazy, terrible things and two years later they're back in the biz, you know. 'Cause the public has a short memory. Let me give you a little test, okay? This is my thesis -- the public has a short memory and, like-- How many people remember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blew up? How many people? See? So few people remember. And you would think that something like that, people would remember. But NOOO! You don't remember that? The Earth blew up and was completely destroyed? And we escaped to this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have you people been? And the government decided not to tell the stupider people 'cause they thought that it might affect-- [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh! Okay! Uh, let's move on!

Um, if I, uh, do look a little depressed tonight, I - I guess I get a little sentimental every time the bicentennial year rolls around and, um... I got another month and a half on that joke, I'm gonna use it every chance I get, so... [sadly] Actually, I'm kind of - I don't know, I'm kind of thinkin' about my old girlfriend, I guess. Sorry. It's just that I used to travel around and I'd be performing and I could kind of hear her laugh in the back - it'd mean something to me, you know and, uh ... I'm sorry. You know how it is. We were together about three years and, uh, she's not living any more so I kind of, uh-- [audience laughs, Martin gives them a disgusted look] You laugh? And I guess I kind of blame myself for her death. Uh, we were at a party one night and we weren't getting along and we were fighting and she began to drink and ... I didn't realize how much she'd been drinking. She ran out to the car, she asked me to drive her home and I didn't want to and I refused. She asked me one more time, would you please drive me home? I didn't want to ... So I shot her.

Okay, folks! I, uh, think that about does it. [checks his wristwatch] We've had a good time tonight, uh, considering we're all going to die. And, uh, we gonna go to commercial now or uh ...? We'll go to commercial and we'll come right back. Thanks a lot. [smiles, waves]

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