76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Super Bat-o-matic '77

Spokesman.....Dan Aykroyd
Bat-Drinker.....Laraine Newman

Pitchman: Witches, warlocks, conjurers, sorcerers, black magicians, white magicians, are you having trouble mixing your potions in time for the winter solstice? [pull back to reveal the pitchman in magician's robe standing before a table complete with lit candles, a book of magic, mortar and pestle, blender with a bat icon on it - picks up mortar and pestle] Is your sorcery getting hung up because of the hours you spend mixing and blending your remedies? Then you need Rovco's amazing new witch's aid, the Super-Bat-O-Matic '77! [SUPER: BAT-O-MATIC]

You never have to use mortar, pestle or cauldron again. Super-Bat-O-Matic cuts, chops, slices, dices, mixes and blends herbs, plants, twigs, sprigs, leaves, branches, claws, teeth, eyes, ears, skin, hair, blood, flies, insects, limbs and organs of all kinds, toads, lizards, newts, mice, rats and bats FASTER than you can knife a goat! [picks up a book] Take this eleventh century remedy from the Key of Alcazar: Potion to Win Love and Shrink Hives.
Feather of a young hawk, belly of a fly,
Blood, bile of an ox,
A lizard's lung,
Say "Sarax, sarax!"
And your will is done.
[dumps contents of black bag into blender]
Seven threads, a hangman's garment.
Basil, wolfbane and a shoot of wintermint.
To this, add the eye of a rat. [drops rat eye into blender]
And mix in the body of one whole bat!
[holds up the small quivering body a dead bat]
Yes! Mix in the body of one whole bat! Remember what a chore that USED to be?! Now, it's fast and it's easy with Rovco's Bat-O-Matic! [drops bat in blender] Here's how it works.

[puts top on blender, pushes button - blender blends contents into a brown liquid - pitchman chants wordlessly as if speaking in tongues - Cut to woman with glass of similarly brown liquid. To the crowd's horror, she drinks from it, then smiles into the camera:]

Bat-Drinker: Wow! That's great bat! And a great potion, too. I'm in love and my hives are cured!

Pitchman: With Bat-O-Matic, you can prepare as many bat-based potions as you like without pounding, grinding or mixing by hand. Throw away that mortar, pestle and cauldron! [briefly holds up mortar, pestle and tiny cauldron] Get the Super-Bat-O-Matic '77! It works like magic! [starts up blender - SUPER: BAT-O-MATIC]

Don Pardo V/O: Bat-O-Matic -- at alchemists everywhere!


Submitted Anonymously