Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Mr. Mike's Least-Loved Bedtime Tales

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Mr. Mike.....Michael O'Donaghue

[A graphic reads: Least-Loved Bedtime Tales. Dissolve to that thin, bearded literary genius, Michael O'Donoghue -- perhaps better known as "Mr. Mike" -- directly addressing the camera. He wears a dark suit, no tie, a white shirt open at the collar, dark glasses and an adhesive bandage on his left temple.]

Michael O'Donoghue: Good evening, I'm Michael O'Donoghue and tonight's Least-Loved Bedtime Tale's entitled "The Enchanted Thermos" and it takes place in the frozen north. Picture this: an Eskimo -- in fact -- in fact, the LITTLEST Eskimo -- how's that, huh? The LITTLEST Eskimo is lost in the trackless waste -- cold, tired, half-dead from hunger. Then, in the distance, he spots a brightly colored Thermos buried in a snowdrift. He races toward it, his tiny heart pounding with excitement. Obviously, since he IS the LITTLEST Eskimo, he'd have a tiny heart, perhaps even the tiniest. Picking up the Thermos, he unscrews the red plastic top that also serves as a cup, pulls the rubber stopper, and -- kazam! -- out pops a genie in a parka who says, "I can give you anything you want as long as it's made out of snow." "I'm SO hungry," said the Eskimo, "Could you please make me dinner?" "Sure thing," replied the genie and within seconds he had prepared a delicious dinner of snow cutlets stuffed with snow, snow casserole, snow patties, snow salad, a side of snow, snow pudding, and a generous glass of slush. "Oh, boy!" exclaimed the littlest Eskimo, took a few bites and fell into a coma. About ten minutes later, he was dead. The genie went through his pockets and then crawled back inside the Thermos to get warm. The end. I would like to leave you with this thought. As you probably know, the fingernails do continue to grow after death so, in a sense -- in a very real sense -- we all turn into Chinese mandarins beyond the grave. Good night.

[Dissolve to the graphic that reads: Least-Loved Bedtime Tales.]

Submitted Anonymously

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