Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8











76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

The Story of Billy Paul

Billy Paul.....Paul Simon
Ice Cream Man.....Dan Aykroyd
Sherry.....Laraine Newman
Indian Girl.....Gilda Radner
Black Guy.....Garrett Morris
Bernard.....John Belushi

[ open on Billy Paul trotting along on the back of a mechanical amusement horse, with fake slide of the Rockies behind him ]

Announcer: Not much is known about Billy. Some say he spent his childhood in the Canadian Rockies. Others said he spent his early years in the Bayou country. Nobody knows for sure. I believe he grew up in New York, near Queens. At 137-62 70th Road, near Main St. and Jewel Ave. You take a "D" Train to Continental Ave., then you take the Q-14 to Main St. Not much else was known about him. He just rode into town one day, and said..

Billy Paul: I'm here to help Indians, wild horses, and runaway kids of all races and religions. Got any gum?

[ slide changes to country pasture ]

Announcer: They called him "Renegade".

Billy Paul: "Renegade"? Yeah.. I am a renegade.

[ slide changes to more mountains ]

Announcer: There were certain things that were known for sure: he was a Vietnam vet and a black belt in karate.

Billy Paul: That's right. I am.

Announcer: They said he was a half-breed.

Billy Paul: That's right. I was.

[ slide changes to country pastures ]

Announcer: He lived on an Indian reservation with an old Indian medicine man that taught him secrets of the world of snakes.

Billy Paul: I do spend most of my time on my reservation, although sometimes I stay at the Howard Johnson - free coffee in the room, with Cremora!

[ slide changes to rocky crest ]

Announcer: But one thing everyone knew: he was the deadliest man with his hands and feet that these parts had ever known.

Billy Paul: I am pretty deadly.

[ slide changes to mesa background ]

Announcer: His name was Billy Paul. Not the Billy Paul that recorded "Me And Mrs. Jones". A lot of people get them confused. He was another Billy Paul. And this is his story.

[ dissolve to interior, Ice Cream Shoppe ]

Sherry: Hi, I'll have a double scoop of Oregan Blackberry.

Indian Girl: I'll have a Jamocha Almond Fudge.

Ice Cream Man: [ as he hands Sherry her cone ] We don't have any cones left.

Indian Girl: [ looking at a stack of cones on the counter ] What are those?

Ice Cream Man: They're not for you, featherhead.

Sherry: You are so low! [ calms herself down ] Okay.. okay.. let's just not get heavy here. [ puts arm around Indian Girl, her ice cream cone near her face ] Now, let's just remember what we teach at the school, man. Like, this guy is putting out hostile vibes to you, okay? But, like, if you let those hostile vibes, like, get to you, you know? Then, you get aggressive, and you're no better than he is, man. Like, what you have to do is reach really, really deep inside yourself, man, and, like, pull out all the sunshine and light that I know that's inside you.. like, I know that's in there, you're so beautiful. [ Indian Girl lowers mouth to come within reach of ice cream cone ] And, like, give that positive energy to him, and it will overcome his bad karma.

Ice Cream Man: Give me a break!

Sherry: Oh, look, don't listen to him.. just think of everything that's good within you, and give it to him. Like, think creatively, express yourself to anything, man.

Indian Girl: Oh, I know! I'll sing him a song!

Sherry: Beautiful! That's a beautiful idea.

Indian Girl: [ stands, sings like chalk scraping a board ]
"You're not a dream
You're not an angel, nor a man.
I'm not a queen
I'm a woman, take my hand.
Make a space in the light that we plant.
And here we'll stay
Until it's time for you to go-o-o-o-o..!"


[ Ice Cream Man has smashed all the cones to dust ]

Sherry: Beautiful!

Indian Girl: [ to Ice Cream Man ] Can I have a cone now?

Ice Cream Man: No!

Bernard: [ ambles in ] What seems to be the trouble, Luke?

Ice Cream Man: Oh, hi, Bernard, uh.. this is my store, isn't it?

Bernard: It sure is.

Ice Cream Man: Well, that means I don't have to serve anybody I don't want to, right?

Bernard: That's right.

Ice Cream Man: Well, I want to serve whites.

Bernard: [ thinking ] Hey, Luke.. where's the flour you keep around to degrade all members of the non-white race?

Ice Cream Man: Over there in the corner.

Bernard: Oh, yeah.. yeah.. [ scoops up some flour and dumps it over the Indians and Black Guy ] There you go! Now you can serve them - they're all white!

Black Guy: [ angry ] You wouldn't do this if Billy Paul were here!

Bernard: [ mimicking ] "You wouldn't do this if Billy Paul were here!" Well, where's Billy Paul now, huh?

Black Guy: He's undergoing a sacred Indian ritual in which he gets bitten on the ankles repeatedly by a poisonous rattlesnake, and then he has to dance, and then he gets bitten repeatedly by some more rattlesnakes, then he has to dance some more!

Bernard: What's the pioint of the ceremony?

Black Guy: So the Great Spirit can see how good a dancer he is!

[ Billy Paul throws open the door, but it slams back in his face. He reopens the door, and enters ]

Billy Paul: I'm here to help Indians and wild horses and runaway kids of all races and religions.

Bernard: Don't you touch me, Billy Paul! I'll call my Father! If you touch me, you're a dead man, Billy Paul!

Billy Paul: [ disgusted at the sight of the flour-covered non-white kids ] Oh, my God, Bernard! Look what you've done! [ removes his hat and thinks ] You know.. Jeanie and the kids at school, they all tell me to try and control my temper. You tell me to try, and you know I'm gonna.. But I try, Bernard, honest to God.. I try. When I look at this girl.. [ puts hand on Indian Girl's shoulder ] ..this beautful flower.. this innocent child.. [ grabs her face and twists her back and forth, knocking her to the ground ] ..and when I think that she will carry with her, the memory of this humiliation, every single day of her life, I just go berserk! [ punches Bernard right through the plate-glass window ]

Ice Cream Man: [ nervous ] Uh.. hey, uh, Billy Paul.. how would you like a couple scoops of Rocky Road? [ Billy Paul kicks a table ] Or.. maybe some Banana Fudge.. or some, uh.. Almond Mocha?

Billy Paul: I want.. a triple cone. Strawberry, Chocolate, and Vanilla. That's red, black and white, together. [ is handed his triple-scooper, standing proud ]

Sherry: If only the world could get along as this ice cream cone.. Billy Paul wouldn't have to kill so many people.

[ Music Over: "One Tin Soldier", Coven ]

[ Billy Paul holds his triple-scooper up high, as does everyone else around him, and he triumphantly walks away, off the set, and into the audience ]

[ SUPER: "Coming Up: Wonder Woman Meets Wonder Bread" ]

[ fade out ]


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