76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson
Gate Agent ... Laraine Newman
Businessman ... Garrett Morris
Passenger ... Dan Aykroyd
Security Guard ... Brian Wilson
Tin Woodsman ... Alan Zweibel
[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in a
business suit approaches.]
Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her his
ticket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and step
[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on a
nearby counter and we realize we are at an airport
boarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In the
background, a bearded, uniformed security guard stands
before a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. The
businessman steps through a metal detector and sets
off a loud beeping alarm.]
Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comes
back] Empty all metal objects into the tray and lift
your arms, please. [the businessman empties his
pockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set of
keys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gate
agent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over his
torso. The wand does not beep.]
Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessman
takes his keys and the gate agent hands him his
briefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.
[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of his
valuable time, the businessman walks through the large
metal detector and exits as the gate agent turns to
the next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]
Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her his
ticket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please.
[passenger puts a bag on the counter, the security
guard rifles through it] Step through, please.
[passenger walks through the large metal detector
which beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir.
[passenger returns] Please empty all metal objects
into the metal tray and lift your arms. [passenger
puts his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into the
tray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes the
wand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.]
You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.
Passenger: Okay! Okay, I've got some keys and, uh, I
have a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknife
from his pocket and drops them in the tray]
Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passenger
raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps
weirdly] I'm sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.
Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.
[pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them in
tray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spill
onto the counter] I got it. Don't-- [more small items
but then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know.
You're just doing your job. I know.
Gate Agent: That's right, sir.
[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trench
coat over the counter and metal objects noisily pour
out of it -- the counter and floor are littered with
nuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passenger
continues to pull out larger and larger objects hidden
about his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a big
vise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gate
Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms,
gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets
annoyed] I'm sorry, I'm still getting a beep.
Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off his
trenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You people
are always so thorough! But when something REALLY
happens -- [pulls off his necktie] when you're REALLY
needed -- you're the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT!
[strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collar
padlocked to his neck with chains running from the
collar down his bare torso - he tries to remove the
collar but his shirt gets in the way - he fumbles with
the shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar -
petulantly] I can't take my collar off today! [the
gate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor and
gives it to him but he takes it and throws it down on
the counter] That's not the key. That's another one! I
LOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!
Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when you
got dressed. Okay, sir.
Passenger: Can I go?!
Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time.
[passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it
beeps weirdly - the gate agent and passenger stare at
one another silently for a moment, then:]
Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap to
reveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, he
pulls it off with an effort and puts it on the
Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Take
[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor and
uses it to collect most of the metal objects from the
counter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrapped
in the trenchcoat, he exits.]
Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to the
departing passenger, speaking to no one in particular]
Sometimes it's like they make it hard on me on
purpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please.
[the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsman
from the 1939 film version of "The Wizard of Oz" - he
hands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Go
right on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through the
metal detector and, of course, sets it off - he turns
to the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, Tin
Woodsman, it's all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods and
exits - the gate agent turns to other passengers]
Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? That
was the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for his