Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Metal Detector

Gate Agent ... Laraine Newman
Businessman ... Garrett Morris
Passenger ... Dan Aykroyd
Security Guard ... Brian Wilson
Tin Woodsman ... Alan Zweibel

[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in a business suit approaches.]

Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her his ticket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and step through, please.

[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on a nearby counter and we realize we are at an airport boarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In the background, a bearded, uniformed security guard stands before a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. The businessman steps through a metal detector and sets off a loud beeping alarm.]

Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comes back] Empty all metal objects into the tray and lift your arms, please. [the businessman empties his pockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set of keys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gate agent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over his torso. The wand does not beep.]

Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessman takes his keys and the gate agent hands him his briefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.

[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of his valuable time, the businessman walks through the large metal detector and exits as the gate agent turns to the next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]

Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her his ticket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please. [passenger puts a bag on the counter, the security guard rifles through it] Step through, please. [passenger walks through the large metal detector which beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir. [passenger returns] Please empty all metal objects into the metal tray and lift your arms. [passenger puts his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into the tray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes the wand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.] You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.

Passenger: Okay! Okay, I've got some keys and, uh, I have a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknife from his pocket and drops them in the tray]

Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly] I'm sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.

Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. [pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them in tray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spill onto the counter] I got it. Don't-- [more small items but then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know. You're just doing your job. I know.

Gate Agent: That's right, sir.

[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trench coat over the counter and metal objects noisily pour out of it -- the counter and floor are littered with nuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passenger continues to pull out larger and larger objects hidden about his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a big vise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gate agent.]

Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets annoyed] I'm sorry, I'm still getting a beep.

Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off his trenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You people are always so thorough! But when something REALLY happens -- [pulls off his necktie] when you're REALLY needed -- you're the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT! [strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collar padlocked to his neck with chains running from the collar down his bare torso - he tries to remove the collar but his shirt gets in the way - he fumbles with the shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar - petulantly] I can't take my collar off today! [the gate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor and gives it to him but he takes it and throws it down on the counter] That's not the key. That's another one! I LOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!

Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when you got dressed. Okay, sir.

Passenger: Can I go?!

Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly - the gate agent and passenger stare at one another silently for a moment, then:]

Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap to reveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, he pulls it off with an effort and puts it on the counter]

Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Take your things.

[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor and uses it to collect most of the metal objects from the counter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrapped in the trenchcoat, he exits.]

Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to the departing passenger, speaking to no one in particular] Sometimes it's like they make it hard on me on purpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please. [the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsman from the 1939 film version of "The Wizard of Oz" - he hands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Go right on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through the metal detector and, of course, sets it off - he turns to the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, Tin Woodsman, it's all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods and exits - the gate agent turns to other passengers]

Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? That was the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for his autograph.

Submitted Anonymously

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