Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9





76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie Foster's Monologue

.....Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster: Thank you! No, I'm not Miss Teenage America! You know, it's really a special honor to be here tonight, because I'm the youngest host "Saturday Night"'s ever had, but nobody here has treated me like a kid or anything. They've all assured me that, even though I'm only 14, I'm still exactly the same as every other host.

Like, I was told, for example, Raquel Welch also drank her milk out of a Flintstone's glass. Everyone says that Desi Arnez, he got paid the same way I'm being paid - not in one lump sum, but in a weekly allowance of $5, which he got every Saturday morning, unless he forgot to make his bed. And there was one more thing I was told repeatedly by everyone here, that Elliot Gould's cue cards were exactly like mine.

[ show Cue Card Man holding up cue card with picture of a cat and the word "CAT" written on it ]

So, I feel really comfortable in the role of "Saturday Night" host, except for one thing. Well, the show has started late tonight, but, just like all the other hosts whose shows started late, I brought a note from home to explain. [ pulls note out pocket ] I've got it right here - it's Snoopy, see? [ reads ] "Dear 'Saturday Night' audience: Please excuse Jodie's tardiness tonight, as the doctor said she had to watch Miss Teen America all the way to the end, or she would die. Signed: Jodie's Mother."

Well, we'll be right back.


SNL Transcripts