Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Rovco's Puberty Helper

... Jodie Foster
Pitchman ... Dan Aykroyd

Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I'm Jodie Foster and, if you're like me, you're going through those awkward years between thirteen and eighteen when everything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, I know how it feels to hate your body and wish you could trade it in for somebody else's. That's why I'm glad that I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to reveal that Jodie stands behind a table upon which are a couple of large smiley faces and examples of the product, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] So why not try it -- before it's too late -- and you find out how lame you are?

[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodie covers herself with the product and then exits: the Puberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holes cut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth -- and a huge smiley face on the front.]

Pitchman: Jodie's right, guys and gals! What you need at this age is Rovco's amazing new Puberty Helper. Just one single application is enough to cover a full five years of agony. Avoid potentially damaging adolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through what psychiatrists term the "insecurity-prone years." Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watch Rovco's Puberty Helper in action.

[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removes books from a locker and shyly confers with another student. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]

Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.

Student: H-hi, yourself.

Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?

Student: Mr. Novak.

Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.

Student: Oh, I - I didn't even know he was back. Maybe I'll switch.

[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up the product and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel as superimposed text repeats his words:]

Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid the heartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples, blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdy clothes your mother made you buy, physical awkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in your bra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on your rollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum on your skirt, not having pierced ears when everybody else has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassing pads, pins and belts, shirt won't stay tucked in, when you don't know you have a booger, some stuff you got on you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirt into the waistband of your underwear, frequent nosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, no embarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing to shave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it's the amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And all this for just forty-nine ninety-five! That's right -- only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper, care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Your hormones will be glad you did.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts