76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson
Rovco's Puberty Helper
... Jodie Foster
Pitchman ... Dan Aykroyd
Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I'm Jodie
Foster and, if you're like me, you're going through
those awkward years between thirteen and eighteen when
everything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, I
know how it feels to hate your body and wish you could
trade it in for somebody else's. That's why I'm glad
that I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to reveal
that Jodie stands behind a table upon which are a
couple of large smiley faces and examples of the
product, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] So
why not try it -- before it's too late -- and you find
out how lame you are?
[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodie
covers herself with the product and then exits: the
Puberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holes
cut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth -- and a huge
smiley face on the front.]
Pitchman: Jodie's right, guys and gals! What you need
at this age is Rovco's amazing new Puberty Helper.
Just one single application is enough to cover a full
five years of agony. Avoid potentially damaging
adolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through what
psychiatrists term the "insecurity-prone years."
Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watch
Rovco's Puberty Helper in action.
[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removes
books from a locker and shyly confers with another
student. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]
Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.
Student: H-hi, yourself.
Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?
Student: Mr. Novak.
Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.
Student: Oh, I - I didn't even know he was back. Maybe
[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up the
product and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel as
superimposed text repeats his words:]
Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid the
heartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples,
blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdy
clothes your mother made you buy, physical
awkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in your
bra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on your
rollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum on
your skirt, not having pierced ears when everybody
else has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassing
pads, pins and belts, shirt won't stay tucked in, when
you don't know you have a booger, some stuff you got
on you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirt
into the waistband of your underwear, frequent
nosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, no
embarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing to
shave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it's
the amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And all
this for just forty-nine ninety-five! That's right --
only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper,
care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Your
hormones will be glad you did.