Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie's Teacher

Jodie.....Jodie Foster
Teacher.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open in Teacher's classroom, last day of Junior High ]

Jodie: But, anyway, I can hardly believe that it's the last day of Junior High.. I mean, the last day of 9th grade! Like, all day long I kept thinking, this is the last time I'll be doing certain things; this is the last time I'll go to this locker; this is the last time I'll get up from this desk; this is the last time I'll look at that clock. Until, finally, at the end of the day, I said, "This is the last time I'll be thinking this is the last time I'll be doing something."

Teacher: Yeah?

Jodie: Yeah. I mean, thinking about things like that can really drive a person crazy, you know?

Teacher: Mmm-hmm..

Jodie: I could be thinking that this is the last time I'll be able to talk to Mr. Davis after class, like I've done every day for a year! But I'm not, I'm not gonna get driven crazy, you know?

Teacher: You're leaning on my attendance forms.

Jodie: Oh. Sorry. [ raises herself ] Anyway, I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about this may very well be the last time I'll be able to come into this class and talk to you.

Teacher: What are you thinking about?

Jodie: Well, I'm thinking about, if I kind of squint my eyes and make everything kind of blurry, you look like Peter Frampton with short hair.

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah! But I'm not thinking about how I'm never again, probably never again, gonna get to come into your room after school and talk to you about life.

Teacher: Well.. you'll have other people to talk about life with, won't you?

Jodie: Oh, the other people I know don't want to talk about life. They think that life is boring!

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah, I think life is really interesting.. because, after all, the most important thing in life, is life.

Teacher: Right.

Jodie: And, now that I won't see you again, I'll just have to get out of the habit of talking about it.

Teacher: Well..

Jodie: I'll miss you!

Teacher: Jodie, uh..

Jodie: I miss you already!

Teacher: Jodie, I really have to get out of here, you know..?

Jodie: Good old life!

Teacher: Yeah..

Jodie: Yeah. Oh, Mr. Davis, before you go out, I also wanted to tell you I thought that was really funny when you stuck that ruler in your ear today.

Teacher: Oh? Thanks a lot.

Jodie: I know a lot of people didn't laugh. But I think that they don't understand you like I do. They don't appreciate your sense of humor, like I do.

Teacher: Oh?

Jodie: Yeah, like, a lot of people can go up, bang, stick a ruler in their ear, who cares, who know? Nobody laughs. You, who I personally know, cares deeply about life, well.. when you stick a ruler in your ear - it's funny!

Teacher: Jodie, you've been a terrific student. [ starts to walk out of his classroom ]

Jodie: Yeah! Listen, I also wanted to tell you that you're my favorite teacher I've ever had, by the way.

Teacher: Well.. that's very nice of you to say..

Jodie: Yeah! 'Cause you're the kind of teacher that acts kind of regular, you know? Doesn't act real teacherish.

Teacher: Uh-huh..

Jodie: Plus, like, I heard you say "Damn" in the supply closet the other day. But, don't worry, I won't tell anybody. When I heard you say "Damn", I knew that I could be frank with you about lots of stuff.

Teacher: Well, thanks very much..

Jodie: Yeah! Plus, I wrote this poem in the 5th period study hall, when I got sick of signing yearbooks, because I could never get my signature the same way twice. It's about you. You can tell by the title - it's called "Mr. Davis", it's about you being a Biology teacher and everything.

Teacher: [ reading ] Okay. "Likes frogs, likes snakes, doesn't like pains, doesn't like aches."

Jodie: Oh, well.. I'm really sorry, I mean.. I didn't know that you didn't like pains and aches. I mean, for all I know, you're crazy about pains and aches. I just figured, from knowing you as a person, that you didn't like them, is that true?

Teacher: Well, yeah.. that's true. [ reads more ] "Likes bugs, germs, too. And when they die, he goes 'Boo-hoo'."

Jodie: Oh! Listen, I really didn't mean that you said "Boo-hoo" or anything! What I really meant was that you were really sad, but sad didn't rhyme. Don't worry, don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Teacher: Sad because germs died?

Jodie: Yes!

Teacher: [ reading more ] "Is married, has kids, but for certain people, makes them flip their lids." "Certain people" here is underlined.

Jodie: Yeah, well.. pretty straight line for no ruler, huh?

Teacher: And it's got a lot of big red stars around it.

Jodie: Oh, well, you know me. When I get a red felt tip pen in my hand, I just get carried away.

Teacher: A lot of arrows here, too.

Jodie: Yeah, but only five arrows. I wouldn't call five arrows a lot of arrows.

Teacher: Well, thank you, Jodie.

Jodie: I call ten arrows a lot of arrows! Five arrows is definitely not a lot of arrows!

Teacher: Bye, Jodie. [ kisses her forehead and walks away ]

Jodie: Goodbye, Regis. [ he stops ] Oh. I'm sorry, I just wanted to say that once before we left, you know? Can I write you over the summer?

Teacher: Sure.

Jodie: Yeah, yeah, right! I'll write you over the summer!

Teacher: Okay.

Jodie: Yeah, it'll give me a chance to practice my signature!

Teacher: Alright. [ finally exits classroom ]

Jodie: [ alone, thinking ] I think I can get it the same way twice..

[ fade out ]

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