Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 2: Episode 10
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
December 11th, 1976
Candice Bergen
Frank Zappa
None
Joe Dicso
Lorne Michaels
Diana Nyad
Tom Schiller
Neil Levy
Patty Hearst at Home
Summary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison.
Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.
Transcript
Montage
Candice Bergen’s Monologue
Summary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.”
Transcript
Carter’s Promises
Summary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election.
Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.
Transcript
Santi-Wrap
Summary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee.
Transcript
Frank Zappa performs “I’m The Slime”
Consumer Probe
Summary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry.
Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.
Transcript
K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun
Summary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.
Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.
Right To Extreme Stupidity League
Summary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid.
Note: Candice Bergen gets the names of her and Gilda’s characters confused, which caused her to shamelessly laugh through the entire sketch.
Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
Summary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.”
Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.
Transcript
FX-70 Cheese Slicer
Summary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera.
Note: At the time, Candice Bergen was the spokesperson for Polaroid’s SX-70 Land Camera, and the company was displeased by her participation in this ad parody.
Transcript
Frank Zappa performs “Lagoon
Recurring Characters: Futaba.
The Killer Trees
Summary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree.
Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.
Transcript
Diana Nyad
Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains.
Transcript
Adopt Belushi for Christmas
Summary: Because John Belushi’s girlfriend has kicked him out of their apartment, Candice Bergen puts the word out that he’s looking for a place to stay over the holidays.
Transcript
Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas
Summary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor.
Transcript
Frank Zappa performs “Peaches & Regalia”
Goodnights
