76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Adopt Belushi For Christmas

Written by: Rosie Shuster and Steve Shuster

... Candice Bergen
... John Belushi

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmed Christmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: Well, it's the last show before Christmas and, after it's over, we'll probably all go out and celebrate before heading our separate ways for the holidays. Gilda's going home to Detroit, Danny up to Canada, Laraine to Los Angeles, Jane'll stay here with Patrick, and, I guess, Garrett'll be going back to Africa. ... Yes, everybody's going home. [walks over to John Belushi, seated on a stool nearby smoking a cigarette, and puts her hands on his shoulders.] Everybody -- except for Belushi.

Now, we all want to help John but then we've all helped him so much already: putting him up, talking over his problems with him, lending him money. So now, it's your turn to help. And, believe me, if you like good acting and you just plain get off on good vibes, then here's an offer you just can't refuse. Saturday Night proudly announces the Adopt Belushi for Christmas contest. ... Write in immediately and state your case in twenty words or less why you are the ideal family to adopt Belushi for Christmas. With his swarthy good looks, John will appear right at home in any family with a depressed European background. ... John's had all of his shots, he's an eager eater, plus he comes with his own attractive wardrobe which includes a Kahoutek T-shirt. Let Belushi share his many stories and songs with the kiddies. [Bergen exits]

John Belushi: [sings, not very well]
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
[speaks, into camera]
Hi! I'm John Belushi! Ah, but you can call me "Beloosh," just like my close personal friend Chevy Chase does. ... You know, it's corny but - but I love Christmas. Hey, I'd love to sit around the yule log and - play with your daughter. ... Actually, I'm not doing much this Christmas. Uh, anyway, how 'bout dinner? I'm not fussy. I'd like some candied yams, some plum pudding, a roast goose stuffed with drugs. ... Uh, quadraphonic sound system would be real nice. And maybe I could use a car - if you've got one, a nice brand new car. If you've got a fifteen year old girl, of course, that'd be nice. Fourteen, I don't care. Sixteen. Nice girl.

Candice Bergen: [returns, puts hands on Belushi's shoulders] So, if you think you're that special American family, why not write to: [SUPER:] ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS care of SATURDAY NIGHT, Box 409, New York 10019. Runners-up will receive a personal phone call from Don Pardo. Come on, what do you say? [hugs Belushi]

John Belushi: [waves] Hi, Mom and Dad!

[Applause. Belushi raises his eyebrows, then kisses Bergen as we push forward and fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously