Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

FX-70 Cheese Slicer

... Candice Bergen
Johnny ... John Belushi

[Parody of a 1970s Polaroid ad - Western music - Candice Bergen holds what appears to be an instant camera as we pull back to reveal Johnny, a kid in a cowboy outfit.]

Candice Bergen: Okay, Johnny, what do you say?

Johnny: [smiles] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the "camera" at Johnny and presses a button - the "camera" whirs and a slice of processed yellow cheese emerges from the slot where one would expect to see an instant photo]

Candice Bergen: Got it! [hands the cheese slice to Johnny who happily unwraps and eats it] Another perfect slice of processed cheese! And look at that color! It turns from mild to sharp in sixty seconds!

[Dissolve to a table laden with cheeseburgers, cheese-covered pie slices, etc. Over this, two hands hold the "camera" with a slice of cheese sticking out of it]

Candice Bergen: The new FX-70 Cheese Slicer and processed cheese cartridges. [SUPER: $69.95] Only sixty-nine ninety-five for all your cheese needs.

[Dissolve back to Candice and Johnny.]

Candice Bergen: Hey! What do you say?

Offscreen Children's Voices: [as Johnny holds up his cheese slice] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the "camera" at Johnny who grins mischievously and raises an eyebrow at her. Applause - fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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