76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let's Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

... Candice Bergen
... Gilda Radner
... Dan Aykroyd
... Jane Curtin
... John Belushi
... Laraine Newman
... Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmed Christmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, Gary Gilmore killed a Utah service station attendant and the next night he shot a twenty-five year old student twice in the head. He was convicted of the second murder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested that the sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prison officials were flooded with calls with people volunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays a hundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore's lawyer is negotiating with publishers and motion picture studios for book and movie rights and there has been a cry for public execution. [holds up a New York Post with a large front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILL HIM] All three networks have asked permission to film the event and, if permission is not granted, then there's talk of filming the execution, from a dirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it's in this spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a very special Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giant Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to a close-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face pelted with artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:
There's a little guy in Utah with a single Christmas wish For one special thing that can't be substituted Doesn't want to get electric trains, get toys or get pet fish All he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast, dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, women in the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

Cast:
So let's kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas
Let's hang him from atop the Christmas tree
Let's give to him the only gift that money can't buy
Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch him die

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:
Let's throw another yule log on the fire
And then let's throw Gary Gilmore on there too
With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say
"Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you"

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:
We'll say "Are you dead yet?" He'll say "No, man"

Cast:
But we'll wait out the frostbite till he dies

Gilda:
I've one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:
Just ask it

Gilda:
Please put Gary in a casket

Cast:
So let's toll the silver bells for him
While he can still hear what they say
Ding dong ding dong
You're dead, so long
We can thrill Gary Gilmore
If we kill Gary Gilmore
On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.]


Submitted Anonymously