Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Right To Extreme Stupidity League

Fern.....Candace Bergen
Lisa.....Gilda Radner

[ open on Fern reading a newspaper in the living room, as Lisa enters ]

Fern: Oh, hi! You're just in time - I made some cookies, and here's some milk.

Lisa: Oh, great! I'm so thirsty, I could drink a horse!

Fern: Boy, are you stupid. It's "eat a horse". "I could eat a horse."

Lisa: [ sits ] Well, you do whatever you want, Fern, I'm still thirsty!

Fern: Well, here, have some milk. [ hands Lisa the glass ]

Lisa: Oh, thanks! [ pours the milk into her purse ] Gee.. this milk isn't too good. I'm still thirsty!

Fern: Well, that's because you poured it in your purse, you see?

Lisa: Oh..

Fern: You're not too bright, are you, Fern..? I mean.. [ breaks character and laughs ] Whatever your name is! [ can't stop laughing ]

Lisa [ helping ] Lisa!

Fern: As a matter of fact, you're extrememly stupid!

Lisa: Well, you're right, Fern. And, you know, I'm proud of it! [ turns to the camera ] You know, we all can't be brainy like Fern here.. [ Candace tries harder to stifle her laughter ] That's why I want to talk to you tonight about a God-given American right - the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should know, and so should Fern, because we are extremely stupid people! For instance, I think that Bambi is a fish! [ laughs ] You know, that reminds me of a little joke.. [ starts laughing to herself for an extended length of time before changing her tone ] But seriously, the very English language itself is discriminatory against extremely stupid people. For instance, insulting phrases like.. [ reads from index cards ] "Boy, are you dumb!" ..and "Boy, are you dumb!" [ Fern changes card for Lisa ] Thank you! ..and "You're not too bright, are you?" "What are you, stupid?" "Boy, are you ever extremely stupid!" "I could drink a horse!" "Gosh, am I thirsty..!"

Fern: This has been a paid message from the Right To Extreme Stupidity League.

[ fade ]

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