76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

... Jane Curtin
Patrick ... Tom Schiller
Ray Basalt ... Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella ... Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk. She argues with her husband Patrick, who sits on the desk beside her -- both oblivious to the camera.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with Jane Curtin!

Patrick: ... lonely, lonely thing!

Jane Curtin: Do you think I like being here?

Patrick: I--

Jane Curtin: Do you think I enjoy this? You're crazy!

Patrick: Oh, come on! You've got to come home sometime!

Jane Curtin: Somebody has got to make the money otherwise we can't eat.

Patrick: I'm writin' a book! It's gonna make a fortune!

Jane Curtin: [dismissive] Oh, the book, the book, the book. Big deal!

[Jane and Patrick suddenly notice the camera is on and stare into it, horrified. Patrick instantly drops down behind the desk and out of view as Jane tales a moment to recover. She smiles and begins the news as if nothing had happened.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of a smiling Jimmy Carter carrying dry cleaning bag over his shoulder] Still trying to make up his campaign deficit, President-elect Carter has taken a part-time job delivering dry cleaning in the Washington area. ...

[Photo of the Carter family: Jimmy, Rosalyn and daughter Amy -- Amy's eyes are closed and she covers her mouth with her hand] As a security measure to avoid any leaking of White House information, the Secret Service has stapled Amy Carter's eyes shut and epoxied her hand to her mouth for the duration of Jimmy Carter's term. ... A decision on what to do with Amy's ears will be made shortly.

President Ford finally revealed the substance of his post-election telephone call to Richard Nixon. Ford asked Nixon if he thought Jimmy Carter would abuse the presidency. Nixon said, "Nah, he doesn't have the experience." ... [The joke dies - in response, Jane frowns and crumples the sheet of paper it was written on - Patrick's hand emerges from beneath the desk - Jane puts the crumpled ball of paper in Patrick's hand which disappears from view - Jane swivels, grins, and continues without missing a beat]

[Photo of Henry Kissinger with eyes shut tight and smiling a toothy grin] Despite the fact that his days as Secretary of State are numbered, Henry Kissinger showed he still has a sense of humor. The eternal diplomat is shown here at a Washington party doing his impression of Chinese leader Hua Guofeng. ...

[Suddenly, Jane bursts out laughing and reaches under the desk - apparently having just been tickled.]

[Photo of Betty Ford and lisping broadcast journalist Barbara Walters] The First Annual Barbara Walters Look-Alike Contest was held this week in Washington. And the first runner-up was First Lady Betty Ford. The winner was Barbara Walters who remarked that she doesn't feel she really looks like herself but will use the prize money to buy a lifetime supply of the letter "R." ...

[Photo of Jacques Cousteau holding what appears to be two small statuettes] And, in sports this week, underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau has discovered a tribe of eleven inch tall prizefighters in the Aegean Sea. Negotiations are under way to match one of them against Mayor Beame at Madison Square Garden next spring.

Jane Curtin: And now Update presents a special Christmas segment, courtesy of the United States government's Public Safety bureau. Here is correspondent Ray Basalt with the December radioactive fallout report.

[Cut to genial, fast-talking Ray Basalt, casually dressed in a denim suit with an open-necked wide-collared shirt and a gold medallion on a chain around his neck. Behind him is a bulletin board that reads: DAILY FORECAST, several wall clocks, and a chalkboard with a map of the U.S.]

Ray Basalt: Thank you, Jane! Hi, everybody and welcome to the Fallout Report! We, uh, hope to give you as much information as we can on the domestic fallout situation for the holiday season. I'm Ray Basalt and here's how it looks:

[moves to map, occasionally marking it up with chalk and symbols of mushroom clouds as he speaks] Okay! Prevailing northerly winds in the mid-Atlantic have carried a cloud of radioactive particles into a few population centers along the eastern seaboard here. Uh, now, uh, this debris is the result of a blast that was detonated over four thousand miles away by the Indian government in the Gobi Desert - and it's affecting the tri-state area. These particles are expected to start sprinkling down into New Jersey, Pennsylvania and parts of New York state early next week. Not much to worry about, however. These particles are far too big to inhale into the lungs ... However, they do contain tellurium gamma rays so water, milk and all dairy products will be contaminated throughout the holiday season - for at least two months, anyway. ... Well, it is the soft drink season, so - [chuckles] - we don't have too much to worry about.

Okay, let's turn to the west coast now and see what we find here. All right, last summer, as you know, was a heavy time of thermonuclear testing by the People's Republic of China. In July, they detonated a fifty megaton fission-fusion-fission device above the Pacific Ocean. This resulted in a high altitude airburst. Now, the fission products from this detonation, which linger just below the Earth's troposphere, have started to drop. They're being moved across the Pacific water body by the high winds up there in the troposphere. This -- coupled with cold fronts which move up into southern California from Texas -- uh, all in all, well, we should say that, well, it should bring a fairly heavy shower of dangerous beta particles into the San Diego area sometime near the end of the month and probably before Christmas anyway. Now, that blast was a pretty heavy one so the yield of beta particles will be sizable. Beta particles, of course, as you know, cause serious radiation burns so, San Diego residents, stay inside, keep pets inside, don't drink or eat anything and, if you have a lead suit, wear it. ...

Elsewhere across the country, in Florida, uh, some, uh, particles as a result of French testing in the Antarctic. Uh, all across the Midwest, there are particles there. Uh, from domestic testing in Nevada, of course. And, uh, there was some in Texas down here near Corpus Christi. Nothing too serious.

We should mention, however, the beta cloud over San Diego will be moving on up into the Los Angeles area and, although it won't be dangerous from a radioactive standpoint, the remaining fallout when combined with hydrocarbon emissions in the Los Angeles basin should make for quite a brew [turns to a nearby wall chart marked AIR QUALITY with four levels: POOR / BAD / MASKS REQUIRED / REFRAIN FROM BREATHING] and a reading of one, two, three, four - on our air quality table. [puts a big red X next to number four: REFRAIN FROM BREATHING]

And remember the MLRD for human beings -- that's Median Lethal Radiation Dose -- is four hundred and fifty REMs. Uh, anything under that and the most you have to deal with is some odd internal bleeding, loss of hair, skin sores and unceasing nausea. Okay? [tosses chalk in the air and catches it with a smile] And that's the Fallout Report for the holiday season. Back to you, Jane.

[Applause as we cut back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of gymnast Olga Korbut atop a balance beam doing a particularly strenuous backbend] Olga Korbut, the sensational Russian gymnast of the '72 Olympics, announced this week that she will be married next month in Moscow. The agile 21-year-old is shown here getting in shape for her wedding night. ... The prospective bridegroom is reported to be in a Russian hospital undergoing special surgery to have all of his bones removed. ...

[Photo of snow-covered street] Still to come: Cocaine dealers convene in Buffalo after this message. ... [Applause - Jane winces and reaches under the desk uncomfortably as we fade out for ad parody: FX-70 Cheese Slicer]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of man in Santa Claus outfit holding a revolver] Tragedy at the North Pole this week when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer broke a leg and had to be shot. When asked who will guide his sleigh, a grief-stricken Santa Claus replied, "Jim Nabors." More on this story as it develops. [Joke dies - Patrick's hand reaches up from under the desk - Jane hands him the paper which he crumples and disappears with]

[reads the next item:] Well, time certainly flies, doesn't it? ... [Patrick reaches up again but Jane bats his hand away]

Having trouble selecting a Christmas gift for your stallion? Well, maybe this will help. [Doctored photo of a horse wearing a human being's shoes on its hind hooves] It's the latest style in animal footwear. Earth horseshoes. Manufacturers say that they are like ordinary shoes except the heels are lower than the toes. [Photo of a horse showing its teeth, as if smiling] Honest Pleasure, pictured here, says he wears them and that, quote, [trippy voice] "It's real mellow. It's like I'm standing in a lotus position." [exhales through lips like a horse] End quote. [applause]

Jane Curtin: From time to time, Weekend Update presents opposing viewpoints to important issues. Now, here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old lady with squeaky voice] Uhh, what's all this fuss I keep hearing about this Christmas the United Nations is collecting money for unisex? Now, don't those kind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothing stores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why, they're all over the place, these unisex places! The United Nations should be giving money to little children overseas, children who can use it, not to these weirdos!

Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Why, it's outrageous!

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: I can't believe-- What? What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh, that's "UNICEF." Not "unisex." The editorial was about UNICEF, the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF.

Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that's very different. [squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. ... [Applause] Uh, just, um, one more thing, Miss Clayton. Um, I was wondering why ever since you've been, ah, doing Update I haven't been on the show too much. I mean, I used to be on quite often.

Jane Curtin: Yes. Well, Miss Litella, you can be on as often as you like -- as long as you come up with something funnier than "unisex."

Emily Litella: Well, I'll do my best ...

Jane Curtin: Good.

Emily Litella: Bitch. ...

[Applause, which continues till the end.]

Jane Curtin: That's all the news for tonight. Thank you and have a very pleasant holiday.

[As we pull back and fade out, Jane glares at the departing Miss Litella.]


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