Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Carter's Confederate Takeover

... Ralph Nader
Miss Green ... Gilda Radner
Jimmy Carter .... Dan Aykroyd

[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocate Ralph Nader confers with his secretary.]

Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what time is my flight to Plains?

Miss Green: Ah, five o'clock. Now, that's in two hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going to be there?

Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he's interested in what I have to say.

Miss Green: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suit cleaned?

Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your other suit and your tie.

Ralph Nader: Okay, I'm going to sleep for a couple of hours. Wake me up when it's time to go.

Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.

[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair and buckles himself into it with an over-the-shoulder safety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly and talks to himself:]

Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. I wonder if he really cares what I think - now that the election is over.

[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music and out-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming. Dissolve to Nader's dream: a pair of hands peels and applies a decal of the Seal of the the President of the United States to a briefcase. We pull back to reveal that the hands are those of President-elect Jimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view. In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE / NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door. Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at a desk.]

Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in!

[We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles and rises as Nader enters.]

Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It's very nice to see ya.

Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How are ya?

Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn't you sit down? Want some, uh, peanuts?

[The men sit at Carter's desk upon which is a pile of unshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]

Ralph Nader: I hope you're sincere, Jimmy. I've been quite critical of you lately.

Jimmy Carter: Well, I - I wanna explain to ya, Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate the conservatives. Once I assume the role of president, I'll be ready to implement my idealistic changes and I'll - well, I'm glad you're here because I want you to tell me exactly what you want me to do when I become president. Go ahead, I'm all ears. [grins broadly]

Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I'm delighted. First of all, you should call a moratorium on nuclear energy.

Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you're right. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy really is a - a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem. [starts making notes with a pencil]

Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a Corporate Accountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?

Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I'll do it. Definitely. [makes more notes]

Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and sign our bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers' cooperative bank to help finance small business and help give consumers sovereignty in the marketplace--

Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members are really gonna flip.

Ralph Nader: And how 'bout a Whistleblowers Act to protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew the whistle on Pentagon waste?

Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely. [more notes] You've been doin' some good talkin'. Everything you mention is positive, dynamic legislation. I'll give you my word I'll do everything in my scope of influence to make sure that it's enacted. [shakes Nader's hand]

Ralph Nader: That's wonderful, Jimmy. It's about time this country had somebody with your courage in the Oval Office.

Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say, uh, just so long as you're here, um, uh, why don't you, uh, take a look at some of my plans for my inauguration? [rises, walks out of view]

Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I'm not invited, I'd love to see what kind of inauguration you're gonna have.

Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I'm gonna tell ya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party this union has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in gray Confederate army uniform, whips out sword, "Dixie" plays in background] My people have been waiting a hundred and ten years ... [Nader is stunned] ... for this triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington. Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by the Yankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. ...

[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him to reveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols of planes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the Fifth Division of the Georgia National Guard ... - that is, the Lillian Carter wing - in tanks and armored personnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas. It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to be complemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wing of the Confederate Air Force. ... The 20th Armored Group, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough ... will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on to battle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.

Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh -- and at Vicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Do you know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgia fifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, most beautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. ... On the night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade of the Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burn Washington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposed will help me revalidate Confederate currency. [lets out with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate in the world -- I want you workin' with me. I have an office set up in Plains for ya. My men'll take you over there now. It's time for you to go, Ralph. Time for you to go. Time for you to go. Time--

[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back to Nader's office. His secretary wakes him.]

Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it's time for you to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having a dream?

Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin'. [looks at his desk] But - where did all these peanuts come from?

[Nader's desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. He picks some up and lets them spill from his hands as the secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music and applause as we pan up from the office set to the audience and zoom in for a close view of a young man. SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER -- He grins, flashes a peace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulder from a fellow audience member.]

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