76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson
Carter's Confederate Takeover
... Ralph Nader
Miss Green ... Gilda Radner
Jimmy Carter .... Dan Aykroyd
[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocate
Ralph Nader confers with his secretary.]
Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what time
is my flight to Plains?
Miss Green: Ah, five o'clock. Now, that's in
two hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going to
Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he's
interested in what I have to say.
Miss Green: Mm hm.
Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suit
Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your other
suit and your tie.
Ralph Nader: Okay, I'm going to sleep for a
couple of hours. Wake me up when it's time to
Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.
[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair and
buckles himself into it with an over-the-shoulder
safety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly and
talks to himself:]
Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. I
wonder if he really cares what I think - now that the
election is over.
[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music and
out-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming.
Dissolve to Nader's dream: a pair of hands peels and
applies a decal of the Seal of the the President of
the United States to a briefcase. We pull back to
reveal that the hands are those of President-elect
Jimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view.
In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE /
NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door.
Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at a
Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in!
[We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles and
rises as Nader enters.]
Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It's very nice to see
Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How are
Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn't you sit down?
Want some, uh, peanuts?
[The men sit at Carter's desk upon which is a pile of
unshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]
Ralph Nader: I hope you're sincere, Jimmy. I've
been quite critical of you lately.
Jimmy Carter: Well, I - I wanna explain to ya,
Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate the
conservatives. Once I assume the role of president,
I'll be ready to implement my idealistic changes and
I'll - well, I'm glad you're here because I want you
to tell me exactly what you want me to do when I
become president. Go ahead, I'm all ears. [grins
Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I'm delighted. First
of all, you should call a moratorium on nuclear
Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you're
right. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy really
is a - a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem.
[starts making notes with a pencil]
Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a Corporate
Accountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?
Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I'll do it.
Definitely. [makes more notes]
Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and sign
our bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers'
cooperative bank to help finance small business and
help give consumers sovereignty in the
Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members are
really gonna flip.
Ralph Nader: And how 'bout a Whistleblowers Act
to protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew the
whistle on Pentagon waste?
Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely.
[more notes] You've been doin' some good talkin'.
Everything you mention is positive, dynamic
legislation. I'll give you my word I'll do everything
in my scope of influence to make sure that it's
enacted. [shakes Nader's hand]
Ralph Nader: That's wonderful, Jimmy. It's
about time this country had somebody with your courage
in the Oval Office.
Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say,
uh, just so long as you're here, um, uh, why don't
you, uh, take a look at some of my plans for my
inauguration? [rises, walks out of view]
Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I'm not invited,
I'd love to see what kind of inauguration you're gonna
Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I'm gonna tell
ya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party this
union has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in gray
Confederate army uniform, whips out sword, "Dixie"
plays in background] My people have been waiting a
hundred and ten years ... [Nader is stunned] ... for
this triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington.
Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by the
Yankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. ...
[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him to
reveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols of
planes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the Fifth
Division of the Georgia National Guard ... - that is,
the Lillian Carter wing - in tanks and armored
personnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas.
It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to be
complemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wing
of the Confederate Air Force. ... The 20th Armored
Group, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough
... will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on to
battle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.
Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh -- and at
Vicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Do
you know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgia
fifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, most
beautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. ... On
the night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade of
the Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burn
Washington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposed
will help me revalidate Confederate currency. [lets
out with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate in
the world -- I want you workin' with me. I have an
office set up in Plains for ya. My men'll take you
over there now. It's time for you to go, Ralph. Time
for you to go. Time for you to go. Time--
[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back to
Nader's office. His secretary wakes him.]
Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it's time for
you to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having a
Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin'.
[looks at his desk] But - where did all these peanuts
[Nader's desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. He
picks some up and lets them spill from his hands as
the secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music and
applause as we pan up from the office set to the
audience and zoom in for a close view of a young man.
SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER -- He grins, flashes a
peace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulder
from a fellow audience member.]