76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson
Inflatable Doll Testing
Burt Ingersoll ... Garrett Morris
... Ralph Nader
[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartment
reading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blonde
inflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing away
from him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings.
Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, a
Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Call me "Ralph."
Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I'm Burt
Ingersoll of Changing Times magazine and it's so good
of you to give us this interview, man.
Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take your
coat. [takes coat]
Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your door
there. You better close your door there.
Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft!
Energy waste! ... [Burt stares at party doll, then
sits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, then
introduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I'd like to
introduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to the
brunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair]
And I'd like to introduce you to Rita. Rita's been
naughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards.
... Would you, uh, would you like a drink?
Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever you
got. And straight up.
Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dolls
are all part of some experiments I'm running. [to the
blonde doll] Uh, how 'bout a drink for you, Pam?
[nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]
Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dolls
uncertainly] Uh ... Are you, uh, testing these dolls,
uh, Mr. Nader?
Ralph Nader: Of course I'm testing these dolls!
[returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takes
notes] I'm testing them for flame retardance. I'm
testing them for defective seams. Uh, testing them for
uniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, quality
control, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh,
effusion rates, convection rates, uh-- Here's your
glass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited.
And here's your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drink
in her face - close view of Pam's wet face] ... [Burt
stares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was a
test. For high impact moisture resistance. ... You
see, I hope to explore areas of consumer protection
which have hitherto been ignored for reasons of taste
or public indifference.
Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatable
Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be more
natural than to extend my investigation of air bags to
inflatable party dolls?
Burt Ingersoll: [swallows drink, sets down
empty glass] Uh huh. Yeah, yeah.
Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to the
brunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Rita
had better sit up straighter. [rises and puts a
threatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks to
it] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne got
nailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test,
Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh - you - you - you say
- you say - failed the nail test?
Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I'm sure you
realize "the nail test" is a code name for certain
analytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities of
rupture in vinyl-related substances.
Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.
Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results of
these tests next year in a book called "Party Dolls:
Turn-On or Rip-Off?" ... Can I get you another
Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.
Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to the
blonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don't you show
Burt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam a
music box for her birthday.
Burt Ingersoll: You don't say? ...
Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea how
exhausting these tests are. I have to dress and
undress them every day, brush their little teeth,
paint their little nails. Of course, it used to be
worse -- [pointedly, to the brunette] -- before Vicki
failed the lawn mower test.
Burt Ingersoll: Wa - wa - wa - wa- wait.
[rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the - the lawn
mower test? That's what she--?
Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybe
now Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat her
Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on second
thought, man, I'll have that drink and I'll go get it
myself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, then
returns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises and
inspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!
Ralph Nader: Listen, I'm sorry to cut this
interview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning to
Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump her
Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeast
Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.
[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a wider
view of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd,
etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. As
we pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit "Party Doll"
and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stage
to introduce tonight's film. After a brief glimpse of
the balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot of
Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, then
smiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here's this
week's film by Gary Weis!
[More applause as we fade out. The film is "Garbage"
which first appeared on SNL the previous season. After
the film, we zoom in on a guy in the applauding
audience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO'S TOOTHBRUSH]