76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Inflatable Doll Testing

Burt Ingersoll ... Garrett Morris
... Ralph Nader

[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartment reading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blonde inflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing away from him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings. Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, a journalist.]

Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Call me "Ralph."

Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I'm Burt Ingersoll of Changing Times magazine and it's so good of you to give us this interview, man.

Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take your coat. [takes coat]

Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your door there. You better close your door there.

Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft! Energy waste! ... [Burt stares at party doll, then sits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, then introduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I'd like to introduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to the brunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair] And I'd like to introduce you to Rita. Rita's been naughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards. ... Would you, uh, would you like a drink?

Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever you got. And straight up.

Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dolls are all part of some experiments I'm running. [to the blonde doll] Uh, how 'bout a drink for you, Pam? [nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]

Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dolls uncertainly] Uh ... Are you, uh, testing these dolls, uh, Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Of course I'm testing these dolls! [returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takes notes] I'm testing them for flame retardance. I'm testing them for defective seams. Uh, testing them for uniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, quality control, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh, effusion rates, convection rates, uh-- Here's your glass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited. And here's your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drink in her face - close view of Pam's wet face] ... [Burt stares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was a test. For high impact moisture resistance. ... You see, I hope to explore areas of consumer protection which have hitherto been ignored for reasons of taste or public indifference.

Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatable party dolls.

Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be more natural than to extend my investigation of air bags to inflatable party dolls?

Burt Ingersoll: [swallows drink, sets down empty glass] Uh huh. Yeah, yeah.

Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to the brunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Rita had better sit up straighter. [rises and puts a threatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks to it] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne got nailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test, didn't she?

Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh - you - you - you say - you say - failed the nail test?

Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I'm sure you realize "the nail test" is a code name for certain analytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities of rupture in vinyl-related substances.

Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.

Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results of these tests next year in a book called "Party Dolls: Turn-On or Rip-Off?" ... Can I get you another drink?

Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.

Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to the blonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don't you show Burt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam a music box for her birthday.

Burt Ingersoll: You don't say? ...

Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea how exhausting these tests are. I have to dress and undress them every day, brush their little teeth, paint their little nails. Of course, it used to be worse -- [pointedly, to the brunette] -- before Vicki failed the lawn mower test.

Burt Ingersoll: Wa - wa - wa - wa- wait. [rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the - the lawn mower test? That's what she--?

Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybe now Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat her spaghetti!

Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on second thought, man, I'll have that drink and I'll go get it myself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, then returns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises and inspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!

Ralph Nader: Listen, I'm sorry to cut this interview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning to leak.

Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump her up, huh?

Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeast infection.

Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.

[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a wider view of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd, etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. As we pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit "Party Doll" and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stage to introduce tonight's film. After a brief glimpse of the balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot of Gilda.]

Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, then smiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here's this week's film by Gary Weis!

[More applause as we fade out. The film is "Garbage" which first appeared on SNL the previous season. After the film, we zoom in on a guy in the applauding audience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO'S TOOTHBRUSH]


Submitted Anonymously