Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph's New Image

... Gilda Radner
... Dan Aykroyd
... Ralph Nader
... Jane Curtin
... Garrett Morris
... Laraine Newman

[At the Studio 8H elevator bank, an anxious Gilda Radner confers with cool, calm Dan Aykroyd.]

Gilda Radner: Danny! Danny, he's late!

Dan Aykroyd: Ralph Nader's never late. He said he'd be here at eleven thirty-two, he'll be here at eleven thirty-two.

Gilda Radner: Well, well, I hope he can do the show without any rehearsal. I mean, it's hard enough for a professional comedian to come here and do the show. What about a consumer advocate?

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he's the busiest man in the world. It doesn't matter. He's Ralph Nader and it's just such a coup getting him on the show. It's great.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, but don't you think he's too straight? I mean, he's kind of serious for our show.

Dan Aykroyd: Ah, no, no, no. Lorne was talkin' to him all week and, uh, you know, he said, told Lorne, he said, "Don't worry. I'm gonna relax and have fun with it." I wouldn't worry about it either.

Gilda Radner: [checks her watch] Okay, well, look, it's eleven thirty-two now.

[Behind them, an elevator door opens.]

Dan Aykroyd: Well, he'll be here.

Gilda Radner: [sees Ralph Nader emerge from elevator] Oh, Danny. Danny.

[A smiling Nader - wearing a flashy, fringed, rhinestone-encrusted cowboy outfit, red kerchief around his neck and a white ten gallon hat on his head - joins Danny and Gilda, shaking hands with them.]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, Mr. Nader. Hi, uh, I'm Dan Aykroyd. This is, uh, Gilda Radner.

Gilda Radner: Right, yeah. Mr. Nader, I'm Gilda Radner.

Ralph Nader: Danny! Gilda! Please! Call me "Ralph" - "Ralphie" - or anything you want!

Dan Aykroyd: Great.

[The three of them start walking away from the elevators, the camera tracking with them as they go.]

Gilda Radner: Oh. Well, Ralphie, come on, we gotta go to make-up. We gotta hurry a little bit.

Ralph Nader: Terrific!

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, you're really well turned out.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I - I like that suit. That's very interesting.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Really, that's great, looks great.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: You know, I just thought to myself, What the heck? This is my first experience in show business and I'm just gonna cut loose!

[Danny and Gilda lead Nader down a hall and around a corner.]

Gilda Radner: Oh, great. Well ...

Dan Aykroyd: Great!

Gilda Radner: .... make-up's in here and everyone's really excited. It's our first show after vacation.

Dan Aykroyd: [calls out to the group in the make-up room] He's here!

[They enter a mirrored room filled with make-up artists, writers, and actors. Among those present: Al Franken, Garrett Morris and Jane Curtin.]

Gilda Radner: Come on. Here's Ralph, everybody!

Ralph Nader: Hey! How are ya?! How are ya?!

[Nader and the SNL group greet one another warmly.]

Garrett Morris: Ralph! How ya doin'?

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] Oh, sit, sit. [Nader sits in a make-up chair] You know, Mr. Nader, we all admire your work so much and it's an honor to have you on the show. [Garrett - wearing a make-up bib - nods in agreement, smiles and takes a bite out of a hot dog]

Ralph Nader: Thank you, Jane, but, please, everybody -- like I was saying to Danny and Gilda -- please call me Ralph or Ralphie!

Jane Curtin: Okay, Ralphie! [the others murmur in agreement]

Ralph Nader: I'm here to have fun tonight!

Jane Curtin: Yeah? Well ...

Ralph Nader: Tonight, there'll be no more of this defects and - and abuses that I've managed to find twenty-four hours a day. Tonight, for ninety minutes, I'm Ralph Nader -- Mr. Good Time!

[Everybody laughs, cheers, says, "All right!" or murmurs in agreement. Gilda takes Nader's cowboy hat.]

Make-Up Artist: [puts make-up bib in Nader's collar] There you go, Mr. Good Time. [starts to apply Nader's make-up] Okay ...

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] You're gonna have fun.

Ralph Nader: [suddenly serious, to the make-up artist] Wait a minute! Is that Eye Chief Make-Up?

Make-Up Artist: Uh, yes, it is.

Ralph Nader: Eye Chief Make-Up contains Red Dye Number Two.

Make-Up Artist: It does? Well, I didn't know.

Ralph Nader: This make-up has a possibility of causing skin cancer.

Jane Curtin: Oh, well, we'll stop using it immediately.

Make-Up Artist: Absolutely.

Gilda Radner: Skin cancer?

[Everyone is stunned and unnerved. Jane peers apprehensively into the make-up mirror and touches a hand to her face.]

Garrett Morris: [takes Nader's hand] Ah, well, uh, well, Ralph -

Ralph Nader: That's the tragedy with carcinogens.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, well, hey, hey, hey -

Ralph Nader: It may be already too late.

Garrett Morris: [guides Nader out of chair and leads him out of the room, leaving the stunned group behind] Yeah, let me take you to your - your - the wardrobe room so you can, uh, put on your costume, man.

Ralph Nader: [excited again] Costumes?! You mean I wear costumes?!

Garrett Morris: [laughs]

Ralph Nader: Oh! This is gonna be fun!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, man. Right this way, man.

[Garrett, eating his hot dog, leads Nader around a corner.]

Ralph Nader: [serious again] What's this, a hot dog you're eating?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: A hot dog?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Do you enjoy eating rat excrement and rodent hairs?

[The two men stop walking. Garrett stares at his half-eaten hot dog.]

Garrett Morris: Uh, this has rat excrement and rodent hairs in it, huh?

Ralph Nader: That's right. [the two men continue slowly down the hall] Federal regulations permit a minimum amount of rat excrement and rodent hairs in hot dogs.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, I - I - I didn't know that, Ralph. Thank you...

Ralph Nader: No problem.

Garrett Morris: ... very much.

Ralph Nader: No problem.

[Garrett leads Nader over to Laraine Newman, then walks off down the hall and disappears into a dressing room.]

Laraine Newman: [thrilled to meet Nader] Ralph Nader!

Ralph Nader: [smiling, excited again] Hi! Laraine Newman!

Laraine Newman: Hey, you know, I'm a big admirer of yours, I really am. I just can't help myself, I've gotta hug you.

[Laraine gives Nader a big hug.]

Ralph Nader: Why, thank you. Not too tight now, you'll activate my air bag!

[Abruptly, we hear but do not see an air bag deploy - Laraine breaks the clinch and steps back.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, my God!

Ralph Nader: [looks down to see that the air bag - hidden somewhere on his person - has not deployed] Whoops! [grins at Laraine] Well ... [into the camera, smiling] Live, from New York, it's Saturday night!

[Cheers and applause. Nader smiles sheepishly and moves off as we dissolve to the opening montage.]

Submitted Anonymously

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