Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

... Jane Curtin
... John Belushi
... Bill Murray
... Laraine Newman
Mr. Rigg ... Ralph Nader
Emily Litella ... Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with Jane Curtin!

Jane Curtin: [before she can begin, the phone beside her on the desk rings and she picks up] Hello?

John Belushi: [on the phone] Hi, Jane? This is, uh, John. John Belushi!

Jane Curtin: Hi, John! How are you?

[Black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen. SUPER: VOICE OF JOHN BELUSHI]

John Belushi: Well, uh, not too good, actually, uh, ha! You probably noticed I haven't been in the show yet. Well, uh, y'see, that's 'cause I'm in the hospital. I have a hurt leg, you know. Uh...

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: I got a knee injury, you know, kind o' like, uh, Joe Namath kind of thing, you know?

Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah, yeah.

John Belushi: And, yeah, I've been here, like, a week, Jane, and, uh, see, nobody's come to visit me or anything. And, uh, nobody's even called. And there hasn't been any publicity about me not doing the show. I mean, when Chase was in the hospital, there was, uh, a lot of publicity in the--

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: Yeah, John. John, we didn't - we didn't want to depress everyone during the first part of the show so we thought we'd wait until the goodnights to tell them about it.

[Another black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen. SUPER: IN HAPPIER TIMES]

John Belushi: Oh. Oh, okay.

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: Well, I just want to tell everyone that I am in the hospital. I hurt my leg. It's a, uh, torn meniscus in the knee, it's a cartilage. It needs to be ...

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

John Belushi: ... uh, operated on. But I will be back next week. With or without my leg.

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

John Belushi: They're thinking about cutting it off with a chain saw but I'm hoping not to.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

John Belushi: By the way, hey, uh, who's that new kid in the show? The one with the mustache? Er, Murphy? What's his name?

Jane Curtin: No, no, no. Billy Murray. Isn't he great? He can do anything.

John Belushi: [sarcastic] Heh. Yeah, sure. Uh, I'm sure he can. How 'bout a samurai? Can he do a samurai?

Jane Curtin: Oh, John, Billy does the best samurai I have ever seen. It's like watching Toshiro Mifune.

John Belushi: Yeah, well, you know, imitations are easy. They're cheap, you know, anybody can do imitations. Can he act, Jane? Can he act?

Jane Curtin: John, I have been doing scenes with him all week and he is a gem to work with.

John Belushi: [skeptical] Yeah.

Jane Curtin: And, you know, he doesn't mind being a Bee? [laughs, Belushi joins in ironically] Hey, John, I gotta go. Call us when, uh, you get back from the hospital, okay? And come up and visit us at the office any time.

John Belushi: Hey, listen, do I get paid for this show this week, you know?

Jane Curtin: [laughs] Bye, John!

John Belushi: I'd like to buy myself flowers--

[Jane, laughing, hangs up, clears her throat and starts the news.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of President Ford putting a medal around Ladybird Johnson's neck] In one of his final acts as Commander-in-Chief, President Gerald Ford made a last ditch effort this week to beautify America by strangling Ladybird Johnson. ... [applause]

In Aspen, Colorado, a jury found Claudine Longet guilty of, quote, "criminally negligent homicide," end quote, and sentencing was set for January 31st. If the maximum sentence is handed down, the former wife of singer Andy Williams could be sent up Moon River for two years. ...

Last month, Jimmy Carter caused an uproar among traditionalists when he said he didn't intend to wear the customary stovepipe hat to his inauguration. However, this week, he bowed to the traditionalist demands and here he is shown in his inauguration attire, including the hat. [Doctored photo of Carter in top hat and a jacket covered with smiley faces] ...

Jane Curtin: Well, the inauguration is only five days away and, as a special feature, Bill Murray has a look at our future First Lady. Bill, you've been following Rosalyn Carter now for about two years, is this right?

Bill Murray: [nods] Following indeed, Jane. [Bill and Jane share a laugh] Rosalyn Carter is not only going to be a dynamic First Lady but also a very attractive one. Her lush brunette good looks are sultry, Southern, and S-E-X-Y. ... Those big brown eyes and those full, pouty, pouty lips bring a smoldering sensuality to the White House. There is something about the back of a woman's leg. And if I were to look in my heart at our new First Lady's leg, I would see her in the black-seamed stockings of the forties that have never gone out of style in my book. I see the First Lady's seam going up a nicely-defined calf, underneath the lace of her slip and riding over the meaty part of the upper leg ... up and over the buttock to the hip. Truly, a journey of the damned. ... And one that this reporter might just book passage on. [chuckles] Next week, Miss Amy Carter. Back to you, Jane. [Applause.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill.

[Doctored photo of President Ford and his family wearing outfits with an "F" insignia on their chests] Concerned with their futures, President Ford and his entire family has signed a contract with the William Morris Agency. The talent agency feels that the Fords have a great future in the entertainment field, claiming that this is the first time to their knowledge that a president's family has developed a trapeze act. The Flying Fords plan to entertain at state fairs and circuses and hope to get it together in time to be the opening act for Jerry Vale at the Concord Hotel on Labor Day weekend. ... [applause]

[Photo of an elderly nun sitting on a motorized scooter] Well, a lot older and much wiser since her TV series was canceled, the Flying Nun now resorts to a more conservative means of transportation. Says the grounded sister, "The scooter is not quite as exciting as flying but it gets me where I want to go and I'm not shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be." ...

Jane Curtin: Solar energy has become a controversial issue today because the oil industry sees it as a threat to their profits. This week, a Senate Select Committee on solar energy has been meeting in secret and, for more on this, here is Laraine Newman in the Capitol.

[Cut to Laraine with microphone in hand, standing in front of a closed door.]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I'm standing outside the committee room waiting for the session to break up. I think it's about to break up now. [The door opens and the pompous Mr. Rigg, an oil company executive, emerges to join Laraine] Oh, we're in luck, Jane. The chairman of the board of Texxon which dominates most of the oil industry, as you know, has just come out of the room. Mr. Rigg, did you attend the committee session?

Mr. Rigg: Well, yes, the senators always allow me to sit in with them at their sessions.

Laraine Newman: Well, what happened in there?

Mr. Rigg: We -- that is, the Texxon Corporation -- said that we would be glad to go along with the solar energy program -- if the committee would only make three minor concessions to protect our investment.

Laraine Newman: I see. And what were those concessions?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon thinks it, first, should own the sun.

Laraine Newman: I see.

Mr. Rigg: We also need a Solar Depletion Tax Allowance -- since the sun depreciates over time.

Laraine Newman: Ah, that's two. And the third?

Mr. Rigg: And Texxon must have the right to order its prices raised whenever there is an eclipse.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. Uh, what next, Mr. Riggs?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon is about to consume all American solar, coal, oil, gas, geothermal firms. [standing stiffly at attention] Monopoly is patriotic!

Laraine Newman: [disenchanted] Ah. Thank you. This is Laraine Newman in the Capitol Building in Washington.

[Back to Jane at the desk. Applause.]

Jane Curtin: President-elect Carter put his financial holdings in a blind trust and outlined a code of ethics for his cabinet members to follow to avoid conflicts of interest. [Doctored photo of Brock Adams with SPACE AVAILABLE / CALL 555-8782 printed on his forehead] Here, his Secretary of Transportation-designate Brock Adams tells the Senate Commerce Committee he will stop renting out his huge forehead as a billboard. ...

[Photo of young children in zebra-striped outfits] In response to complaints about the officiating in this year's National Football League season, Commissioner Pete Rozelle announced the formation of an NFL-sponsored twenty-year officiating program that starts aspiring officials at an early age. ...

Doomed slayer Gary Gilmore has taken a cue from President-elect Carter and is inviting all of America to the Utah State Prison on Monday for what he is calling "a people's execution." There will be a pre-execution gala concert and, following Gilmore's death by firing squad, there will be a series of post-execution balls and receptions. Gilmore will not attend the latter. ...

Jane Curtin: And now a new addition to our Update team is correspondent Emily Litella with tonight's commentary. [applause] Well, Miss Litella - you've badgered us all for a long time and now you have a job. Welcome.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old lady with squeaky voice] Oh, well, thank you, Jane. It's very lovely to be part of a news team. Ah, tonight's commentary is very important because I hear that President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a steak! ... Now, why does he have to make them a steak? I didn't think those people even liked meat. ... Now, let me warn all of you. If you make Puerto Rico a steak, the next thing they'll want is a baked potato! With sour cream and chives and little tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And then they'll probably want a salad bar! Why, they'll be lined up for miles! If President Ford wants to be remembered as a great president in his final days, he should do something about the price of coffee! Not steak! It's outrageous! I can't believe what that man is doing--

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Miss Litella, you've done it again. That's not "steak." President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a state. Not a steak -- a state.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I'm sorry. [squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. ... [applause]

Jane Curtin: Miss - Miss Litella. Let - let's get something straight. We've put up with your slight hearing impairment for a long time now and in the beginning it was cute. But now you're part of a news team and we like to report the news accurately. Now, if you don't report the news accurately, we'll have to let you go. No job is permanent. Do you understand me?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, yes, I do. I'll - I will certainly do my best. I'll try to do better, hm.

Jane Curtin: Please do.

Emily Litella: Bitch! ... [applause - after a moment, Miss Litella briefly holds up two fingers behind Jane's head to the crowd's delight]

Jane Curtin: That's our news for tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jane turns and glares at Miss Litella as we push in and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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