76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin
... Jane Curtin
... John Belushi
... Bill Murray
... Laraine Newman
Mr. Rigg ... Ralph Nader
Emily Litella ... Gilda Radner
[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on
anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with Jane
Jane Curtin: [before she can begin, the phone
beside her on the desk rings and she picks up]
John Belushi: [on the phone] Hi, Jane? This is,
uh, John. John Belushi!
Jane Curtin: Hi, John! How are you?
[Black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen.
SUPER: VOICE OF JOHN BELUSHI]
John Belushi: Well, uh, not too good, actually,
uh, ha! You probably noticed I haven't been in the
show yet. Well, uh, y'see, that's 'cause I'm in the
hospital. I have a hurt leg, you know. Uh...
Jane Curtin: Yeah.
John Belushi: I got a knee injury, you know,
kind o' like, uh, Joe Namath kind of thing, you
Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah, yeah.
John Belushi: And, yeah, I've been here, like,
a week, Jane, and, uh, see, nobody's come to visit me
or anything. And, uh, nobody's even called. And there
hasn't been any publicity about me not doing the show.
I mean, when Chase was in the hospital, there was, uh,
a lot of publicity in the--
[Back to Jane at the desk.]
Jane Curtin: Yeah, John. John, we didn't - we
didn't want to depress everyone during the first part
of the show so we thought we'd wait until the
goodnights to tell them about it.
[Another black and white photo of Belushi fills the
screen. SUPER: IN HAPPIER TIMES]
John Belushi: Oh. Oh, okay.
Jane Curtin: Yeah.
John Belushi: Well, I just want to tell
everyone that I am in the hospital. I hurt my leg.
It's a, uh, torn meniscus in the knee, it's a
cartilage. It needs to be ...
Jane Curtin: Uh huh.
John Belushi: ... uh, operated on. But I
will be back next week. With or without my
Jane Curtin: Uh huh.
[Back to Jane at the desk.]
John Belushi: They're thinking about cutting it
off with a chain saw but I'm hoping not to.
Jane Curtin: Okay.
John Belushi: By the way, hey, uh, who's that
new kid in the show? The one with the mustache? Er,
Murphy? What's his name?
Jane Curtin: No, no, no. Billy Murray. Isn't he
great? He can do anything.
John Belushi: [sarcastic] Heh. Yeah, sure. Uh,
I'm sure he can. How 'bout a samurai? Can he do a
Jane Curtin: Oh, John, Billy does the best
samurai I have ever seen. It's like watching Toshiro
John Belushi: Yeah, well, you know, imitations
are easy. They're cheap, you know, anybody can do
imitations. Can he act, Jane? Can he
Jane Curtin: John, I have been doing scenes
with him all week and he is a gem to work with.
John Belushi: [skeptical] Yeah.
Jane Curtin: And, you know, he doesn't
mind being a Bee? [laughs, Belushi joins in
ironically] Hey, John, I gotta go. Call us when, uh,
you get back from the hospital, okay? And come up and
visit us at the office any time.
John Belushi: Hey, listen, do I get paid for
this show this week, you know?
Jane Curtin: [laughs] Bye, John!
John Belushi: I'd like to buy myself
[Jane, laughing, hangs up, clears her throat and
starts the news.]
Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:
[Photo of President Ford putting a medal around
Ladybird Johnson's neck] In one of his final acts as
Commander-in-Chief, President Gerald Ford made a last
ditch effort this week to beautify America by
strangling Ladybird Johnson. ... [applause]
In Aspen, Colorado, a jury found Claudine Longet
guilty of, quote, "criminally negligent homicide," end
quote, and sentencing was set for January 31st. If the
maximum sentence is handed down, the former wife of
singer Andy Williams could be sent up Moon River for
two years. ...
Last month, Jimmy Carter caused an uproar among
traditionalists when he said he didn't intend to wear
the customary stovepipe hat to his inauguration.
However, this week, he bowed to the traditionalist
demands and here he is shown in his inauguration
attire, including the hat. [Doctored photo of Carter
in top hat and a jacket covered with smiley faces]
Jane Curtin: Well, the inauguration is only
five days away and, as a special feature, Bill Murray
has a look at our future First Lady. Bill, you've been
following Rosalyn Carter now for about two years, is
Bill Murray: [nods] Following indeed, Jane.
[Bill and Jane share a laugh] Rosalyn Carter is not
only going to be a dynamic First Lady but also a very
attractive one. Her lush brunette good looks are
sultry, Southern, and S-E-X-Y. ... Those big brown
eyes and those full, pouty, pouty lips bring a
smoldering sensuality to the White House. There is
something about the back of a woman's leg. And if I
were to look in my heart at our new First Lady's leg,
I would see her in the black-seamed stockings of the
forties that have never gone out of style in my book.
I see the First Lady's seam going up a nicely-defined
calf, underneath the lace of her slip and riding over
the meaty part of the upper leg ... up and over the
buttock to the hip. Truly, a journey of the damned.
... And one that this reporter might just book passage
on. [chuckles] Next week, Miss Amy Carter. Back to
you, Jane. [Applause.]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill.
[Doctored photo of President Ford and his family
wearing outfits with an "F" insignia on their chests]
Concerned with their futures, President Ford and his
entire family has signed a contract with the William
Morris Agency. The talent agency feels that the Fords
have a great future in the entertainment field,
claiming that this is the first time to their
knowledge that a president's family has developed a
trapeze act. The Flying Fords plan to entertain at
state fairs and circuses and hope to get it together
in time to be the opening act for Jerry Vale at the
Concord Hotel on Labor Day weekend. ...
[Photo of an elderly nun sitting on a motorized
scooter] Well, a lot older and much wiser since her TV
series was canceled, the Flying Nun now resorts to a
more conservative means of transportation. Says the
grounded sister, "The scooter is not quite as exciting
as flying but it gets me where I want to go and I'm
not shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be."
Jane Curtin: Solar energy has become a
controversial issue today because the oil industry
sees it as a threat to their profits. This week, a
Senate Select Committee on solar energy has been
meeting in secret and, for more on this, here is
Laraine Newman in the Capitol.
[Cut to Laraine with microphone in hand, standing in
front of a closed door.]
Laraine Newman: Jane, I'm standing outside the
committee room waiting for the session to break up. I
think it's about to break up now. [The door opens and
the pompous Mr. Rigg, an oil company executive,
emerges to join Laraine] Oh, we're in luck, Jane. The
chairman of the board of Texxon which dominates most
of the oil industry, as you know, has just come out of
the room. Mr. Rigg, did you attend the committee
Mr. Rigg: Well, yes, the senators always allow
me to sit in with them at their sessions.
Laraine Newman: Well, what happened in
Mr. Rigg: We -- that is, the Texxon Corporation
-- said that we would be glad to go along with the
solar energy program -- if the committee would only
make three minor concessions to protect our
Laraine Newman: I see. And what were those
Mr. Rigg: Texxon thinks it, first, should own
Laraine Newman: I see.
Mr. Rigg: We also need a Solar Depletion Tax
Allowance -- since the sun depreciates over
Laraine Newman: Ah, that's two. And the
Mr. Rigg: And Texxon must have the right to
order its prices raised whenever there is an
Laraine Newman: Thank you. Uh, what next, Mr.
Mr. Rigg: Texxon is about to consume all
American solar, coal, oil, gas, geothermal firms.
[standing stiffly at attention] Monopoly is
Laraine Newman: [disenchanted] Ah. Thank you.
This is Laraine Newman in the Capitol Building in
[Back to Jane at the desk. Applause.]
Jane Curtin: President-elect Carter put his
financial holdings in a blind trust and outlined a
code of ethics for his cabinet members to follow to
avoid conflicts of interest. [Doctored photo of Brock
Adams with SPACE AVAILABLE / CALL 555-8782 printed on
his forehead] Here, his Secretary of
Transportation-designate Brock Adams tells the Senate
Commerce Committee he will stop renting out his huge
forehead as a billboard. ...
[Photo of young children in zebra-striped outfits] In
response to complaints about the officiating in this
year's National Football League season, Commissioner
Pete Rozelle announced the formation of an
NFL-sponsored twenty-year officiating program that
starts aspiring officials at an early age. ...
Doomed slayer Gary Gilmore has taken a cue from
President-elect Carter and is inviting all of America
to the Utah State Prison on Monday for what he is
calling "a people's execution." There will be a
pre-execution gala concert and, following Gilmore's
death by firing squad, there will be a series of
post-execution balls and receptions. Gilmore will not
attend the latter. ...
Jane Curtin: And now a new addition to our
Update team is correspondent Emily Litella with
tonight's commentary. [applause] Well, Miss Litella -
you've badgered us all for a long time and now you
have a job. Welcome.
Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old lady
with squeaky voice] Oh, well, thank you, Jane. It's
very lovely to be part of a news team. Ah, tonight's
commentary is very important because I hear
that President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a
steak! ... Now, why does he have to make them a
steak? I didn't think those people even liked
meat. ... Now, let me warn all of you. If you make
Puerto Rico a steak, the next thing they'll want is a
baked potato! With sour cream and chives and
little tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And then
they'll probably want a salad bar! Why, they'll be
lined up for miles! If President Ford wants to be
remembered as a great president in his final days, he
should do something about the price of coffee! Not
steak! It's outrageous! I can't believe what that man
Jane Curtin: Miss Litella.
Emily Litella: What? What?
Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Miss
Litella, you've done it again. That's not "steak."
President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico a
state. Not a steak -- a state.
Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I'm sorry.
[squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. ...
Jane Curtin: Miss - Miss Litella. Let - let's
get something straight. We've put up with your slight
hearing impairment for a long time now and in the
beginning it was cute. But now you're part of a news
team and we like to report the news accurately. Now,
if you don't report the news accurately, we'll have to
let you go. No job is permanent. Do you understand me?
Emily Litella: Oh, yes, yes, I do. I'll - I
will certainly do my best. I'll try to do better,
Jane Curtin: Please do.
Emily Litella: Bitch! ... [applause - after a
moment, Miss Litella briefly holds up two fingers
behind Jane's head to the crowd's delight]
Jane Curtin: That's our news for tonight. Good
night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Jane turns and glares at Miss Litella as we push in
and fade out.]