76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry
Little Old Ladies of the Night
Capt. Joe Palentine.....Dan Aykroyd
Hooker 1.....Gilda Radner
Hooker 2.....Laraine Newman
Little Old Lady.....Ruth Gordon
[ open on Capt. Joe Palentine seated at his desk. He looks up at the camera ]
Capt. Joe Palentine: Hi, I'm Capt. Joe Palantine of the Geriatric division of a big police department in the big city. [ he shrugs his shoulders ] Let's just call it Anytown, U.S.A. Every day in the Anytown Bus Station, hundreds of female runaways arrive looking for adventure, excitement, and glamour in the big city. Instead, they fall into the murky web of street hustling -- turning tricks -- with johnstrickjohn, for their pimp, they seldom return to the nursing homes and senior citizen retirement villages from where they came. We arrest them, they bail their way out with Social Security and old-age pension checks. And there they are -- back in the street -- hustling. Turning TRICKS! With JOHNS! For their PIMPS!! [ shakes his head ] This is the story of one of... the Little Old Ladies of the Night.
[ he folds his arms and leans back in his chair ]
[ SUPER: "Little Old Ladies of the Night" ]
[ dissolve to Anytown Bus Station, night ]
[ Hooker #1 shines her pimp's shoes as Hooker #2 stands to the side ]
Snow: Now, y'all better shape up, now. You gotta stabilize my income. You know, my wardrobe is fluctuating.
[ A little old lady enters the bus station carrying two suitcases. She ambles over toward the pimp and his hookers. ]
Little Old Lady: Excuse me, sir -- but are you the manager of this bus station?
Snow: [ he smiles ] Ohhh, I smell chicken. [ he stands to admire the little old lady ] Hello, fox! You're lookin' good, baby, lookin' good! Ooh!
Little Old Lady: Do you know where I can find something to eat, and a place to stay for twenty-one cents?
Snow: [ seizing the opportunity ] Oh. Uh, why you are welcome in my home, baby. I'm Snow. Yeah.
Hooker 1: Yeaaahhh, all you have to do is whatever Snow tells you to do -- thirty of forty times a night. And then give whatever money you make for doing it to Snow.
Hooker 2: Yeah, and clean out the glove compartment of Snow's caddie three times a week.
Hooker 1: With your tongue!
Little Old Lady: Well... I'm always happy to pitch in and do a few chores.
Snow: Well, baby, I am sure that you are gonna be onwe of my ma-a-a-ain breadwinners for many, many, many... months. Uhh -- I'm gonna, uh -- [ waves his hands nervously, having forgotten his line ] uh -- gone. You know, you're welcome, you hear, to Snow's stable!
Little Old Lady: Yeah.
Little Old Lady: Right.
Snow: I'll see y'all at our table!
Hooker 1: See you later, Snow! Bye, bye!
Hooker 2: So long!
Hooker 1: Hey, honey, you want some coffee?
Little Old Lady: Uh -- tea, please.
Hooker 2: Okay, listen up: rocket to the moon, $25; walking the dog, $15; and just to pop the weasel, a dime.
Hooker 1: [ as a Man grabs a seat at the counter ] Hey! Honey! Check out my approach! [ she reaches over to touch his hands ] Hey, hey -- want to go a party?
Man: [ considers the offer briefly ] Sure. Where?
Hooker 1: Outside, beyond that row of lockers. [ he stares at her, confused ] Come on! Shake it, honey!
[ she coddles him out of his stool and leads him outside ]
Hooker 2: [ to the little old lady ] Okay, we'll be back in four minutes. Get to work. Snow needs a new wardrobe.
[ Hooker 2 follows Hooker 1 and the Man outside, passing Capt. Joe Palentine's booth along the way. He holds his badge up to the camera and gives the audience a knowing glance. ]
Capt. Joe Palentine: This type of come-on -- or touch -- or procurement -- takes place thousands of times a day. And it's a 24-hour trade. Street hustlers! Turning TRICKS! With JOHNS!! For their PIMPS!!!
[ the little old lady hesitantly approaches Palentine and his fellow officer at their table ]
Little Old Lady: Uh -- hi, Sonny. Want to go to a party...?
[ Palentine and his officer jupm to their feet and display their badges ]
Capt. Joe Palentine: You're under arrest for soliciting!!
[ they surround the little old lady ]
Officer: [ frowning ] Hey, wait a minute, Joe -- take a good look at her.
Capt. Joe Palentine: I know, she's overage. But we gotta book her, anyway!
Little Old Lady: Oh, please don't arrest me. The other girls will be back soon, and we can all go have a party behind the lockers.
Little Old Lady: You don't understand, do you? I'm a good cop. I don't do that kind of stuff. Sure, there are guys who would do it... but they wouldn't respect you the next day. Come on.
Capt. Joe Palentine: We're doing you a FAVOR by runnin' you in!
Little Old Lady: [ reassuringly ] It sounds stupid, but he's right.
Capt. Joe Palentine: We're trying to save you from a life as a... STREET HUSTLER!!!! Turning TRIIIIIIICCKKKKSSS!!!! [ a beat ] With JOHNS!!! For their pimps!!!
Little Old Lady: Believe me. Trust me. yuo've got to listen to me -- not just for me, or for you -- but for all the others like you. The ones I couldn't help, even though I wanted to. Not just for them. But for you... and for me... and for all the others like you and like me... and the others who are like you AND like me --
Capt. Joe Palentine: Run her uptown, Bill!! I'll talk to you later.
Little Old Lady: Come on, let's go, baby.
Little Old Lady: Yeah. [ to Palentine as she's dragged away ] Honkey pig! Remember Attica! ATT-I-CA!!! ATTTTTT-I-CA!!!
[ alone, Palentine points his badge at the camera ]
Capt. Joe Palentine: Well, there it is! A sweet little lady! And if we hadn't stopped her, she could have become a street hustler! And you know what street hustlers do. They turn TRIIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKSSSSS!!!! With JOHNS, for their PIIIMPS!!! [ he hyperventilates at the thought, as the two hookers return and surround him ]
Hooker 1: Heyyyyy, honey? Want to go a party?
Capt. Joe Palentine: [ muffles up ] Yeah, I guess so...
[ they exit the scene ]
[ applause, as camera rises to the balcony and zooms in a woman in the audience, with SUPER: "Made America's Least-Dressed List" ]