Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12





76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Litella Sisters At Home

Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
Essie Litella.....Ruth Gordon

[ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ]

Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch?

Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake?

Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods.

Essie Litella: I know! Let's have raisin toast, and let's cut it in points.

Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it's my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast.

Essie Litella: That was five points!

Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go.

Essie Litella: Emily?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Essie Litella: I'm so happy that you've become the correspondent on "News Update".

Emily Litella: Oh, yes.

Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week's editorial is gonna be?

Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven't, Essie. I'm going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don't come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day?

Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that's ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that's burning?

Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues!

Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There's this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there's all this hoopla they're making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle.

Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That's much too personal.

Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader's been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag?

Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that's terrible! I didn't know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let's keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong!

Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck!

Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It's your filthy mouth that's kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on "Update" this week? I mean, should I talk about toast?

Essie Litella: Emily, let's pretend I'm the one who goes on "Update". Introduce me, come on.

Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on "Weekend Update", here, with an editorial reply - watch it, Essie - is Miss Essie Litella.

Essie Litella: What's all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elrctions in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business!

Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella!

Essie Litella: What?

Emily Litella: That's flea erections. Flea erections!

Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that's very different. Never mind.

Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: "Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch - Norm." Well, that's pretty stupid. Let's toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ]

[ camera pans out ]

[ SUPER: "Coming Up Next: Mass Auto Eroticism" ]


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