Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12







76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

.....Jane Curtin
.....Laraine Newman
Lillian Carter.....Ruth Gordon
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ fidgeting with some perfume which she desperately seeks a scent from, until she notices camera on her ] Our top story tonight..

Sharing a touching moment for the cameras, a dejected Gerald Ford was consoled by Betty Ford as he revealed his emotions on his last day in office. A moment later, as the President turned away to hide his tears, Betty once again demonstrated her sense of humor by laughing behind his back.

While at the Inaugural Ball Thursday night, it was Jimmy Carter who stole the show when he did a ventriloquist act with a dummy that looked just like his daughter Amy.

Jane Curtin: And now with more news about the recent new administration, here is correspondent Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to Lillian Carter outdoors ]

Laraine Newman: Thanks, Jane. I'm talking with Lillian Carter, the mother of our new president. Miss Lilly, what's it like to be our new First Mother?

Lillian Carter: Oh, it's just wonderful! It truly is. Everyone is so nice to me, especially Jimmy. You know, when he was just a little boy, I told him, "Jimmy.." - I always called him Jimmy, ever since he was a little boy, and that is why I was so happy when he kept Jimmy.

Laraine Newman: Uh, you mean that when he took the oath of office as Jimmy Carter instead of James Earl Carter, you were glad about that?

Lillian Carter: That's right. And, like I was saying, when Jimmy was a little boy, I said to him, "Jimmy, don't you ever tell a lie?" And, you know what, he just looked up at me, and he said, "Mama, I won't ever tell a lie."

Laraine Newman: [ phony laugh ] Well.. when did you think your son might become President?

Lillian Carter: It was at that very moment. I said to myself, "Lilly" - uh, I never called myself "Miss Lilly", you know - I said to myself, "Lilly, if he can sell that crap to his own mother, he can even be President..

Laraine Newman: Back to you, Jane.

The entire population of Plains, Georgia spent the night after the inauguration in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House. It was reported that they all slept in the famous Lincoln bed, except Billy Carter who slept under it.

Reacting to the experience, Billy reportedly commented, "Burp!"

Tragedy this week, when two masked men wielding shotguns entered a New York luncheonette, made the proprieter and customers strip naked and lie facedown on the floor, killed an innocent bystander and made off with two cups of coffee that had a street value of $6,000. More on this story as it develops.

Prime Minister Indira Gandhi announced that India's long-awaited general elections will be held in March. The Prime Minister, who despotically opposed press and domestic censorship on her people, feels that this is important to a democracy, and elections in March will mark the dawn of a new Democratic era for India.

Oh, this just in. Prime Minister Indira Gandhi has just announced that she has won the genereal election to be held next March.

Still to come: Zero Mostel blows Jack Gilford's nose. After this message.

[ cut to Crazy Frank. ]

Jane Curtin: Well, it doesn't happen very often, but "Weekend Update" would like to correct a mistake made in one of our news items last week. In a profile of General William C. Westmoreland, we inadvertently reported that he is a member of the Manson Family. Well, we stand corrected.

And now, with this week's editorial reply is correspondent Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you very much, Jane.

Jane Curtin: What brilliant topic are you going to comment on tonight, Emily?

Emily Litella: Nothing.

Jane Curtin: Excuse me?

Emily Litella: Well, I.. I couldn't think of anything to say this week. I mean, nothing got my goat.

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella, let's get something straight. Being a newscaster goes beyond personal feelings. You have a journalistic responsibility to this station, and to the people who watch it.

Emily Litella: Well, uh.. Miss Curtin, in my opinion, there's very little happening.

Jane Curtin: Just pick up a newspaper! France just got rid of a terrorist, we just had elections..!

Emily Litella: I was just..

Jane Curtin: You're very irresponsible, Miss Litella, and, as a matter of fact, if it were up to me, you wouldn't have this job right now. you're not fit to be a newscaster.

Emily Litella: Oh, dear, well.. there's no reason to be so upset. I mean, you seem very cranky tonight. Is it that time, dear?

Jane Curtin: No, it is not! And, if it was, it would be done of your business, anyway! [ pause ] Miss Litella, I think we've spent enough airtime with this issue, and I just think that, from now on, you should try to do your best, okay?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, dear, I'm very, very sorry, and I promise from now on that I will do my best.

Jane Curtin: See that you do.

Emily Litella: Bitch.

Jane Curtin: Well, that's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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