Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Hollywood Bingo

Gern Blanston......Steve Martin
Charo.....Gilda Radner
Sammy Davis, Jr.....Garrett Morris
Sandy Duncan.....Laraine Newman
Vincent Price.....Dan Aykroyd
Rose Marie.....Jane Curtin
George Jessel.....Al Franken
Hal Linden.....Bill Murray
Robert Blake.....John Belushi
Farrah Fawcett-Majors.....Lily Tomlin
Steffy Hellers.....Mitchell Laurance
Trink Mexico.....Tom Schiller
Sonja Bordva.....Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Sister Mary Margaret Mary.....Rosie Schuster
Cy Blickman.....Tom Davis
Star #2.....Cheryl Hardwick
Star #3.....Jim Downey
Star #4.....Howard Shore
Woody Allen's sister.....Anne Beatts
Garth Lunthro.....Michael O'Donoghue
Harold Giblan.....Alan Zweibel

[Open on a red "Hollywood Bingo" sign, bordered with flashing lights, two of them burnt out. Very fast-paced, jolly theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: And now it's time to play Hollywood Bingo! So let's bring out your host, Gern Blanston!

[applause; Gern walks out and stands in front of a small bingo machine, an empty blue backdrop behind him. He bows and points to the camera]

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and good evening. I'm Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo, where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money. You know how the game is played: [channeling Peter Marshall] Sixacrossupordownandtheresafreespaceandgoforthebigmoney -- [pauses] OK now, let's meet the stars. Hello, stars!

[Cut to a very oversized bingo card. In place of the numbers are twenty-four stars and a Free Space. The stars wave]

Stars: Hello, Gern!

Gern Blanston: OK! Right away, under the B, why it's that Latina hot tamale Charo!

Charo: Oh holy tamale I can't tell you, I'm so hootchie-hootchie-hootchie -- [shakes her chest at Gern]

Gern Blanston: Charo will be appearing at the Imperial Boom Boom Room in Lake Tahoe throughout March. Say, if anyone can, the Candyman can, 'cause the Candyman is none other than I-19, Sammy Davis, Jr!

[Sammy's head barely pops out from the bottom of his square. No glasses, his eyes are shut]

Sammy Davis, Jr: Oh you're embarrassing me, man, like you're much too kind, man—

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Sammy! Sammy will be opening with Dean in Vegas. Say, here's a crazy kooky nut who sees things Sammy's way, Sandy Duncan!

Sandy Duncan: Hi, everybody. I'll be starring in Stratford, Connecticut, where I'll be playing Kate in "Taming of the Shrew." [laughs as her glass eye wanders]

Gern Blanston: Next star, author, actor gourmet chef, all-around great guy G-50, Vincent Price!

Vincent Price: You know I adore doing the show, Gern, and I just want to say I have a cookbook coming out from Viking Press. It's called Through His Stomach. [leers at the camera]

Gern Blanston: Hey, our next gal is a great old gal, the lovely, or talented , Rose Marie!

Rose Marie: [laughs in her gravelly voice] Ha ha ha! What're ya doin' after the show?

Gern Blanston: Ro will be appearing on old reruns of "The Dick Van Dyke Show." Hey, I love to kid our next star, Mr. Show Biz himself, B-8, Georgie Jessel!

George Jessel: It's- it's a real pleasure to be here, Gern. And believe me, at my age, it's a pleasure to be anywhere .

Gern Blanston: Ha ha ha! Georgie just cut an album on the MCA label, "Jessel Does It to Jolson." Hey, I'm real proud to be able to call our next star my close personal friend, Mr. Television himself, Hal Linden!

Hal Linden: You know, uh, I love "Barney Miller," but my real roots are in the legitimate theatre. And I'd love to sing a song for—

Gern Blanston: [interrupting Hal] Great, great, Hal. Now listen, Hal's hoping to do a guest shot on "The McLean Stevenson Show" next year. Good luck on that one , Hal! Hey, here's a star who made the successful transition from movies to television, the actor and star of "Baretta," Robert Blake!

Robert Blake: [with a cigarette hanging from his mouth] Five years ago, I woulda done this show on a dare! I'm doing it now because I got a big hit. You can bank on that—dese, dem, dose, dem—

Gern Blanston: Ladies and gentlemen I have to say, you know, if God had angels as pretty as this next guest, he wouldn't have died. Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett-Majors!

[Farrah says nothing, but giggles and shakes her head back and forth]

You know, Farrah and her hair will be appearing in separate cities. And now, a Fonzie lookalike, Steffy Hellers, O-67.

[Steffy gives a thumbs-up to the camera]

OK, I don't know who he is. OK, let's see, under the B, let's welcome Trink Mexico.

[Trink smiles and waves his wire bow tie]

Trink is in the national touring company of "Love on a Pin." OK, now, the sensational Sonja Bordva.

[camera pans to Sonja; Gern is moving through the stars more quickly now]

Sonja is currently appearing on "Hollywood Bingo." OK, that brings us up to the Charley Weaver Memorial Free Square. [Gern suddenly takes on a solemn tone of voice. The face of Charley Weaver appears in the center square] And Charley will be appearing… nowhere. You know, Charley would've loved that joke.

Next, G-56, a real nun and a real cad to boot. It's Sister Mary Margaret Mary, the Nutty Nun!

[Sister Mary waves, wearing a Groucho disguise]

Hey, isn't she funny? How about O-72, Cy Blickman!

[Cy shows off his wine glass]

Cy will understudy Rip Taylor in the L.A. production of "Dial N for Nurder."

[The camera pans past the next four stars quickly as Gern tries to recognize them]

And under the B…never saw him before, don't know who he is…never seen him before…not sure about him…and we're not sure about this person either, ladies and gentlemen--

[The camera reaches the last person in the row]

But we do believe this next person right along here is Woody Allen's sister!

[She wears Woody Allen's glasses, and gives a nervous wave to the camera]

Alright now, under the B, it's Garth Lunthro, road manager for Micky Dolenz!

[Garth smiles and points to his right]

Now I-28, Fern Ligman.

[Fern appears frightened]

Fern just finished King Kong, in which she played "A Frightened Person." OK, say hi to Harold Giblan, butcher.

[Harold nods]

Harold will be appearing behind the meat counter weekdays 'til 6. Now G-49, that's my old cousin Peter Libra.

[Peter is picking his nose until he notices the camera's on him]

And finally, O-73, Joanie from next door. Joanie eats food.

[Jodie crams a slice of cake in her mouth]

And those are our stars tonight on Hollywood Bingo! [buzzer rings; the theme music starts up again] Hey, we're all out of time. Don't have time to play the game, but tune in next week when 25 different stars will plug 25 different things. Goodbye, stars!

[Gern waves at the stars, and they all wave back. Applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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