Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14





76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Dr. Breadloaf's Quick-Loss Diet Book

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf.....Gilda Radner

[ open on Dr. Ruth Breadloaf standing on a scale ]

Announcer: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf, America's Foremost Weight-Loss Expert.

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: [ steps off scale ] Yes! Even a woman doctor like me can have a weight problem! That's why, for many years, I've tried exhausting exercises, harmful pills, and, worst of all, complex and annoying diets. So, finally, I wrote my own book! [ holds up her book ] A step-by-step, easy-to-understand, easy-to-follow book that's absolutely 100% fullproof! I call it "Dr. Breadloaf's Quick Loss Diet Book". Let's turn to Page One and read the instruction:

[ she turns to the first page ]

"Breakfast: eat Page One!" That's right -- you simply tear the page out of the book -- [ she tears the page ] and EAT it! What could be easier or more slimming? [ she takes a bite out of the page ] Mmm-mmm!

[ she continues reading ]

"And for lunch, eat Page Two!"

[ she tears the page out and eats it ]

"Followed by a hearty dinner of Pages Three and Four!"

[ she tears the pages out and eats them ]

Mmm-mmm! That's good! And, of course, these books come with extra pages for holiday dinners, color illustrations for midnight snacks, and imported cardboard binding for gourmet dining at its best! And, for Jews, two books! Paperbacks, for poor people! I don't care who you are, I don't care how much you weigh, I don't even care if you can READ!! [ she spits out the excess paper in her mouth ] All I care is that you use my book for ONE week, and if you are not completely satisfied, return the uneaten portion to me, and I'll return your money! Order now and receive, free of charge, this combination bookmark/birthday cake. [ she pulls out the bookmark and chews on it ]

Announcer: You'll lose weight fast and feel wonderful -- yes, here's a book with a happy ending. For your copy, send $8.95 in cash or money order to:

[ address card appears on screen ]

"Dr. Breadloaf's
Quick-Loss Diet Book
P.O. Box 22-K
Garden City, Long Island
New York, 10009"

[ dissolve back to Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: And this is Dr. Ruth Breadloaf saying: Tonight, why not relax, curl up with a good book, and eat it?

[ fade ]


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