Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Singles Bar

Man.....Steve Martin
Woman.....Gilda Radner

[ open on Man and Woman sitting at table in singles bar ]

Man: [ laughing ] So, anyway, the first time I ever came to one of these singles bars, I.. fell down the stairs and crashed into the cigarette machine!

Woman: [ charmed ] That's what happened to me, too!

Man: You're kidding me!

Woman: No!

Man: Well.. I'll be honest with you: when I first saw you, I kinda figured that that happened to you, too.

Woman: [ excited ] Really?!

Man: Yeah. Just by looking at you. I'll-I'll-I'll bet you play on "Old MacDonald" on push-button phones, too, right?

Woman: [ laughs ] Right! [ laughs ]

Man: You know, it's funny.. we've only been together here, like, ten minutes, and already we have a lot in common!

Woman: I know.

Man: It's really amazing. I mean, like, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Oh, I-I.. calibrate the pressure ratios for hydraulic valve systems.

Man: [ guffaws ] So do I! Oh! What did you do before that?

Woman: Well, I folded the little plastic index tabs that separate the sections in notebooks.

Man: [ amazed ] I did, TOO!!!

Woman: [ laughing ] Oh, no!

Man: I can't believe this!

Woman: This is incredible!

Man: Hey, look - what does your tongue taste like to you?

Woman: [ thinking ] Um.. nothing. It has no flavor.

Man: Really?! Neither does mine! Oh! Wha-what's your favorite loud noise?

Woman: Oh.. I-I don't know.. I like all of them..

Man: Ah, you must have a special favorite..

Woman: No, I don't have a favorite, I like them all equally well.

Man: What about when you turn on the bathroom water, and it doesn't come out right away, and then suddenly it just all comes out!

Woman: I love that! Oh.. what about when it's summer, and you're sitting on a leather sofa, and you're wearing shorts and you're sweating, and you have to stand up real quickly?

Man: [ excited ] That's my favorite pain! You said my exact favorite! That's my favorite!

Woman: Listen.. don't you just hate it when you're sitting in your room, and you hear screams and shouts outside, becuase someone got hit by a truck?

Man: Yeah! Yeah! What's your favorite land mass?

Woman: [ thinking ] Dalmation Islands, just off the coast of Yugoslavia.

Man: The southern one? A little further inland.

Together: Just above the 30th Parallel!!

Woman: I like your nose.

Man: Ah. And you're so healthy looking, real natural.

Woman: Well, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh.. open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Man: That's good.

Woman: Look, uh.. don't you just hate it when somebody dies in the apartment next door to yours, and they don't find them for a couple of weeks.. and. when they do, their pet parrot ate half of them.

Man: Yeah. [ they kiss ] Hey.. you know what I'd like to do right now?

Woman: What?

Man: Have you seen "A Star Is Born"?

Woman: Yes!

Man: Well, let's go stand in line.. and when it gets to be our turn, we'll go back and get into the end of the line again!

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, I'd love that!

Man: Let's go!

[ they both stand, hold one leg behind their back and begin to hop ]

Man: You like to hop!

Woman: Oh, everywhere!

[ they hop into the darkened set, to fade ]

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