76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Burger Master

1st Employee ... Gilda Radner
2nd Employee ... Garrett Morris
3rd Employee ... Laraine Newman
1st Customer ... Bill Murray
2nd Customer ... Jane Curtin
3rd Customer ... John Belushi
4th Customer ... Jim Downey

[Behind the counter at the Burger Master fast food restaurant, three employees stand with their backs to the camera, wearing garish orange and yellow caps and uniforms. They turn to face the camera, holding hamburgers.]

Three Employees: [hum a note and then sing] Hold the lettuce, hold the cheeses Special orders don't displease us

1st Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I'd like a burger, medium rare. Could you put grilled onions on it but no pickles. And if it's not too much trouble, would you mind pouring some Kukoa Colombian frog blood all over it, please?

1st Employee: [obnoxious grin] No trouble at allllll! [turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exits as the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Burgers any way you want 'em
You tell us what's off or on 'em

2nd Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I'd like a burger, well done. Put a little relish on it, some cold water detergent and, if it's not too much of a problem, would you mind blowing your nose on the bun?

2nd Employee: Comin' up! [turns, fixes burger, blows nose in it, hands it to customer who exits as the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Drive thru Burger Master and see
Burgers plain and burgers fancy

3rd Customer: Hey, I'd like a burger.

3rd Employee: Hey! Anything on that?

3rd Customer: Why, yes. A used hair-net, moth crystals, old radio parts, confetti, cole slaw, a cat-nipped mouse and the entire contents of a lava lamp.

3rd Employee: You're the boss! [turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exits as a 4th customer enters and shows a piece of paper to the employees]

Don Pardo: [voice-over] Yes, at Burger Master, you're the boss! Burgers the way you like 'em at prices that'll make you wonder where we get our meat. So why not drop down to Burger Master today?

1st Employee: [to the 4th customer] Ah, right! Here they are, sir! [employees bring out three trays of burgers and place them on the counter] Fifty burgers, each prepared in their own special way!

4th Customer: Oh, one more thing. Would you mind jumping up and down on them until they're mashed into a disgusting pulp?

1st Employee: No trouble at all!

[The employees sing as they climb up on the counter and stomp on the burgers in time with the song:]

Three Employees:
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss! etc.

[After a closer view of the smashed burgers being trod underfoot, we pan up and away from the set -- where the employees continue to stomp and sing -- to reveal the applauding audience above. As the SNL band kicks in, we slowly zoom in one one young woman over whom a superimposed text reads: LAUGHED WHEN BAMBI'S MOTHER DIED. The woman reads this and cracks up.]


Submitted Anonymously