76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

How Your Children Grow

... Jane Curtin
Dr. Ross ... Bill Murray

[Soothing music of strings and woodwinds accompanies a graphic that reads: HOW YOUR CHILDREN GROW. Dissolve to the set of a talk show where Jane Curtin addresses the camera.]

Jane Curtin: Good evening and welcome to "How Your Children Grow." I'm Jane Curtin and my guest tonight is one of America's foremost authorities on learning disabilities, Dr. Alan Ross. [Pull back to reveal Dr. Ross seated beside Jane] For those of you who are not familiar with Dr. Ross' work, he has just been awarded a seven million dollar grant with which he will open the Ross Foundation in Rochester, Minnesota. Isn't that true, Doctor?

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: In doing my own research on what you do, sir, I learned that many people who work with children possessing learning difficulties at one time had such a condition.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess that would make one more empathetic to the plights of such a child.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I imagine that it doesn't matter how big you are in your field, no one's immune, as I discovered that you yourself, Dr. Ross, had, as a child, a severe learning disability.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I guess we can speak about it. It certainly is nothing to be ashamed of. Your problem was called quintlexia.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: For those of you who are not familiar with the term "quintlexia," it comes from the prefix "quint" meaning "five" -- and "lexia" from the Greek root "lexus" which means "words." Therefore, anyone who is afflicted with quintlexia has the ability to speak only five words. Did I describe it correctly?

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, as I understand it then, as a child, you only knew five words.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Which words were they?

Dr. Ross: That's, True, You're, Absolutely, Right.

Jane Curtin: I get the impression that you still have this condition.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, let me get this straight. You went to Harvard undergraduate, got your Ph.D from Dartmouth, you've been given a seven million dollar grant to build a foundation, and have been teaching children for close to eleven years. And your entire vocabulary consists of five words.

Dr. Ross: That's true. [chuckles] You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: It is truly amazing that you have overcome such a handicap and have accomplished so much.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess it just goes to show what a land of opportunity America really is.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: You sleep in a wedding gown, don't you?

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Is it true that you're wearing underwear marked "January"?

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh ho ho, we could go on like this all night!

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh, shut the hell up! Thank you for joining us and I urge all of you concerned parents to read Dr. Ross' new book [holds up the book to the camera] -- "That's True - You're Absolutely Right." It's fascinating reading.

Dr. Ross: That's true. You're absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Good night.

[Dissolve back to the opening graphic and the soothing music.]

[TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: On his second line, Bill Murray actually flubs and says, "That's true. You're absolutely right about th--" but since that pretty much ruins the sketch, we've decided to pretend that the error never occurred. Also, Sinead O'Connor never ripped up that photo of the Pope. You just imagined it. Thank you.]


Submitted Anonymously