Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15








76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

.....Jane Curtin
.....Laraine Newman
Mohammed Ali.....Garrett Morris
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And, now, "Weekend Update with Jane Cutin".

Jane Curtin: Before we begin, let me just say that many of you have written in, asking if that noise you hear is a real teletype machine or just a sound effect. Thank you for asking, we appreciate your concern.

Our top story tonight: Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt, out of jail, pending his obscenity charge, this week hired the New York Yankees for a centerfold spread in his magazine. Members of the ball club, shown rehearsing for the upcoming photo session, say it's the biggest thing to hit baseball since the suicide squeeze, demonstrated here.

In a sudden policy shift, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson will not be broadcast live, starting next week, as previously announced. The decision was based on California's new euthanasia law, which states that: "A program does not have to be kept alive by artificial means, and has the right to a dignified death."

In a surprise annoucement this week, Lillian Carter said that she will marry heavyweight wrestler Gorilla Kowalski. The 78-year old presidential mother said that she and Kowalski met when she visited his training camp in Georgia, where they wresled for photographers. Said Miss Lillian, "I beat him, 2 out of 3 falls, and he prposed on the spot. Kowalski, who was previously married to Elenour Roosevelt, Bess Truman, Mamie eisenhower, and Rose Kennedy, said, "I just can't stay away from very old ladies who are related to Presidents." "Weekend Update" wishes the couple all the best.

French officials, still concerned over recent airplane hijackings, stepped up their airplane surveillance procedures this week, and converted the Arce de Triomphe into a very large metal detector. Passengers are shown here being screened here for a Concord flight to Rio de Jenairo.
[ a line of passengers slide through the Arce as a buzzer goes off ]

The Food and Drug Administration released a reprot this week that says that 3 out of 4 dentists recommend sugar-coated gum for their patients who fear cancer.

And, in a related story, the Food and Drug Administration has announced that in addition to saccharine, it is also placing a ban on Florence Henderson and David Hartman, effective in July.

Jane Curtin: And now, with a special remote, we take you live to correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a swaggering Mohammed Ali ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I'm standing here with Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champ of the world. Recently, he saw the movie "Rocky", and the champ has some "words" about it.

Muhammed Ali: [ melodically ]
"Yeah! I am the champ of the world
To all, this is known!
Now, let's talk about this turkey --
Sylvester Stallone!
To go make a movie,
and call the champ "Rocky" --
Some call it genius,
but I calls it cocky!
So I decided to mount a counterattack
I'm gonna write, produce, direct, and act
in "On the Waterfront", but I'll remake it in black!
So even Marlon Brando better step back
As I portray the young Irish boy,
known to the world, as Terry Malloy!"

Laraine Newman: [ melodically ]
"Well, then, Mohammed, I guess you might say
That a Black, Irish Muslim is what you'll portray.
And, as you're the champ at all you do, I know you'll be Champ, at acting, too.

Mohammed Ali: [ melodically ]
Heey, I been training real hard, and when my training is through
I'll tell you EXACTLY what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna WHOMP Fred Williamson!
And then I'm gonna WHOMP O.J. Simpson!
Levoy Bordon [?], he just came out
I'm gonna watch him, see what he's about,
then I'm gonna WHOMP him, too
before I'm through!
Yeah!
But, right now, I'm casting this movie, uh, 'cause it's close to my heart,
And I need a woman to play a special part.
Uh, she is, uh, gonna play the girlfriend, so she's gotta be right,
'cause, as you remember, the girlfriend was white."

Laraine Newman: [ melodically ]
"Well, I've always wondered how it would be
to be stung by a butterfly who floats like a bee."

This is Laraine Newman... signing off. Back to you, Jane.

[ cut back to Jane at the newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: A correction to a story, recently reported on "Weekend Update". Last week, we inadvertently reported that the Muslim prophet Muhammed is a brand of chocolate pudding. Well, we stand corrected! What we meant to say, wad that the soundwaves from the Concorde SST cause childrens' sex glands to mature at the age of 3.

Margaret Trudeau, wife of the Candian Prime Minister, Pierre Eliot, Trudeau, this week, denied that she was having an affair with Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. Jagger also denied the rumor, reportedly saying he hasn't fooled around with a Canadian since he played with Guy Lombardo's horns some fifteen years ago.

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight's commentary, is "Update" correspondent Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ peeking into frame before the full pullback ] Why, thank you, Jane!

Jane Curtin: [ sharply ] I can't wait to hear this "gem".

Emily Litella: What's all this FUSS I keep hearing... about endangered feces? Now, that's outrageous!! Why -- why are FECES endangered?! How can you POSSIBLY run out of such a thing?! Why -- why, just look around you, you can see it ALL OVER the place!! Besides, who wants to SAVE THAT, anyway?! My goodness, where would we KEEP it?! It's DANGEROUS, especially in the Summer!! Then -- then, it could REALLY hit the fan!!

[ Emily begins to laugh, unable to stop, as Jane gives her a dirty look ]

Jane Curtin: What's so funny?

Emily Litella: Ohhh... oh, my joke! [ she continues to laugh for a moment ] Oh, come on, Miss Curtin, didn't you ever hear that one about "hitting the fan"? [ Jane remains silently annoyed ] Oh, come on, you old shiksa! Where have you been?

Jane Curtin: Species.

Emily Litella: What's that?

Jane Curtin: Species! The list of endangered species! Not feces -- species@

Emily Litella: Ohhhh! I-I-I must have gotten carried away. [ turns to the camera and smiles ] Never mind!

[ the audience applauds ]

Jane Curtin: It's wearing thin, Emily.

Emily Litella: What is?

Jane Curtin: The "Never mind" thing. You've been doing it for close to two years. At first it was cute, then it was tolerable; now it's annoying.

Emily Litella: Oh, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Jane Curtin: You're ruining "Update"'s responsibility as a credible journalist.

Emily Litella: Oh, my goodness, I -- Miss Curtin, I wouldn't want to do anything like that.

Jane Curtin: I'm sure you wouldn't. [ smiles maliciously ] So, why don't you just quit "Update" and try your hand at something else? We can get along fine without you!

Emily Litella: Perhaps you could -- bitch!

Jane Curtin: [ stung once more, faces the camera ] That's our news for tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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