Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Broderick Crawford's Monologue

... Broderick Crawford

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Broderick Crawford!

[The elderly, overweight, balding, avuncular, and beloved character actor walks to a comfortable chair at Home Base and sits.]

Broderick Crawford: Well, thank you, thank you very much. As a very old and dear and rather rotund friend like myself used to say, "How sweet it is!" ... You know, it's been a long time since I been back in this studio. Thirty-seven years, to be exact. That was back in the days of radio. Some great radio shows came out of here. And when television came in, great television, great music.

I worked for NBC thirty-seven years ago. I was working on a play over on Broadway, the Music Box Theater, Forty-Fifth Street. And, in those days, you didn't get very much bread - you kind o' had to work for the minimum. And so we supplemented our income by doin' a lot o' radio. And I had small part in a radio series here. And, one day, after the matinee, I came out of the Music Box Theater and I had to be here at NBC but I couldn't find a taxi. So I started to run. So I had my script in my hand and I ran like mad. I flew through Security down-- They didn't know what I was. I just went right by them. Then I came up to the third floor and I went into 3-B. I didn't notice the light was on, saying "On the Air." I had my script in my hand and I waved it to the producer in the control room and pointed to it. He came out and said to me, "Wrong studio. [points] You're two down the hall." ...

So, out I go again. I saw the light, "On the Air." Well, I walked in, script in my hand and pointed. And just as I was waving to the producer to come out, I heard somebody reading my lines. So there was nothing I could do but sit down and wait until the show was over. Well, I waited. The producer came out. I didn't like the look on his face but he came out. And I started to say, "I'm sorr--" And he said, "You're fired." Well, that's a pretty terrible feeling. But now I'm very happy that, after forty years, NBC is giving me another chance. ... [applause]

And, please, cross your fingers and hope I don't blow it this time. ... Well, all right, I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the show. And why don't you do that, too? All of us, just enjoy.

Submitted Anonymously

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