76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters
The New Guy
Written by: Bill Murray & Lorne Michaels
... Bill Murray
[Fade in on recently-hired cast member Bill Murray who
sits at a desk, addressing the camera.]
Bill Murray: Hello, I'm Bill Murray. You can
call me "Billy" but, around here, everybody just calls
me "The New Guy." I want to thank the producer, Lorne
Michaels, for urging me to speak with you directly.
You see, I'm a little bit concerned. I don't think I'm
making it on the show. ... I'm a funny guy but I
haven't been so funny on the show. My friends say,
"How come they're givin' you all those parts that
aren't funny?" Well, it's not the material. It's me.
It's not that I'm not funny, it's that I'm not being
funny at the right time. Honest. Uh, before, you know,
I could be funny whenever I wanted but now, as a
professional, I have to learn to pick my spots, you
know? This morning, I picked up my laundry. The guy
says to me, "Bill, you know, every time you come in
here, you say something funny. But I saw you on the
show Saturday night and you stunk." ... Well, that
hurt, you know? Just totally destroyed my confidence.
Last Friday, I went to a party with Danny. There was a
pretty girl there I wanted to impress and, uh, I'm a
party animal. I was very funny. Danny said
nothing. He was saving it. She said to me, "You're so
funny! I wish I had a tape recorder." Well, I wish she
had, too, you know? Saturday night, after the show,
when she went home with Dan, I could've played the
tape back for her. ...
Now, what I'm asking for is your support. I've gotten
some nice letters from old friends and people I owe
money to. ... But, from you people, I hear nothing.
I'm not asking for letters but -- I know this sounds
corny -- support. [slight pause] I'm a Catholic. ...
[applause] I'm one of nine children. [rattles off the
names rapidly] Ed, Brian, Nancy, Peggy, Laura, Andy,
John and Joel. I can say that faster but I wanted them
all to hear their names. I was raised in Wilmette,
Illinois, a small mining town, north of Chicago-- That
reminds me of something funny. ... My father died when
I was seventeen. ... No, that's not what was funny.
... He was funny. People always said to me,
"Aw, you'll never grow up to be as funny as your dad."
And, now, he's not around to see me be not as funny as
him. ... My sister Nancy is a nun. My mom works to
support the family. But that's all beside the point.
It's no concern of yours whether or not they
need the money I make. ...
What I'm talking about is between you and me. If you
could see it in your heart to laugh whenever I say
something. I don't care what it is. Or, if you
can't laugh, think about my family ... and the father
that I never really got to know. ... If I know you're
on my side, I'll make you laugh so hard, you'll have
to hold your sides to keep from pulling a muscle - or
tearing a cartilage. It's up to you. Yeah, you. Now, I
don't want letters. I just want to make it as a Not
Ready For Prime Time Player. When that's done, I'll be
able to stand here on a Saturday night, in the middle
of Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, New York,
one-oh-oh-two-oh ... and say, [looking heavenward]
"Dad? I did it." [to the camera, with a smile] He'd
[Applause. Bill salutes us as we pull back a little
and fade out.]