Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

The New Guy

Written by: Bill Murray & Lorne Michaels

... Bill Murray

[Fade in on recently-hired cast member Bill Murray who sits at a desk, addressing the camera.]

Bill Murray: Hello, I'm Bill Murray. You can call me "Billy" but, around here, everybody just calls me "The New Guy." I want to thank the producer, Lorne Michaels, for urging me to speak with you directly. You see, I'm a little bit concerned. I don't think I'm making it on the show. ... I'm a funny guy but I haven't been so funny on the show. My friends say, "How come they're givin' you all those parts that aren't funny?" Well, it's not the material. It's me. ...

It's not that I'm not funny, it's that I'm not being funny at the right time. Honest. Uh, before, you know, I could be funny whenever I wanted but now, as a professional, I have to learn to pick my spots, you know? This morning, I picked up my laundry. The guy says to me, "Bill, you know, every time you come in here, you say something funny. But I saw you on the show Saturday night and you stunk." ... Well, that hurt, you know? Just totally destroyed my confidence.

Last Friday, I went to a party with Danny. There was a pretty girl there I wanted to impress and, uh, I'm a party animal. I was very funny. Danny said nothing. He was saving it. She said to me, "You're so funny! I wish I had a tape recorder." Well, I wish she had, too, you know? Saturday night, after the show, when she went home with Dan, I could've played the tape back for her. ...

Now, what I'm asking for is your support. I've gotten some nice letters from old friends and people I owe money to. ... But, from you people, I hear nothing. I'm not asking for letters but -- I know this sounds corny -- support. [slight pause] I'm a Catholic. ... [applause] I'm one of nine children. [rattles off the names rapidly] Ed, Brian, Nancy, Peggy, Laura, Andy, John and Joel. I can say that faster but I wanted them all to hear their names. I was raised in Wilmette, Illinois, a small mining town, north of Chicago-- That reminds me of something funny. ... My father died when I was seventeen. ... No, that's not what was funny. ... He was funny. People always said to me, "Aw, you'll never grow up to be as funny as your dad." And, now, he's not around to see me be not as funny as him. ... My sister Nancy is a nun. My mom works to support the family. But that's all beside the point. It's no concern of yours whether or not they need the money I make. ...

What I'm talking about is between you and me. If you could see it in your heart to laugh whenever I say something. I don't care what it is. Or, if you can't laugh, think about my family ... and the father that I never really got to know. ... If I know you're on my side, I'll make you laugh so hard, you'll have to hold your sides to keep from pulling a muscle - or tearing a cartilage. It's up to you. Yeah, you. Now, I don't want letters. I just want to make it as a Not Ready For Prime Time Player. When that's done, I'll be able to stand here on a Saturday night, in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, New York, one-oh-oh-two-oh ... and say, [looking heavenward] "Dad? I did it." [to the camera, with a smile] He'd like that.

[Applause. Bill salutes us as we pull back a little and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts