76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Goodbye Saccharine

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Cheryl Hardwick, Paul Shaffer

Rhonda Weiss ... Gilda Radner
Rhondette #1 ... Jane Curtin
Rhondette #2 ... Laraine Newman
Rhondette #3 ... Linda Ronstadt

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Saturday Night is proud to present Rhonda Weiss and the Rhondettes!

[Music begins. Applause for Rhonda Weiss and Rhondettes, a sixties-era girl group whose lead singer is Jewish-American Princess Rhonda Weiss who wears a pink gown and holds a hand mike. The Rhondettes are three backing vocalists who have identical black hairstyles, wear black gowns and carry purses while standing in front of microphones at Home Base before a glittering curtain. The Rhondettes apply make-up and sing their backing vocals behind Rhonda:]

Rhonda: [sings]
They say you gave rats cancer
And I say that can't be true
Because you're just so very sweet
That's something you'd never do
I love you, I needed you
We had a fine relation
Till last week when it was ruined by the Food and Drug Administration
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron ...

Rhondettes: ... but, sugar ...

Rhonda: ... there's no sugar substitute to substitute for saccharin!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Goodbye, sacc-ha-rine!

Rhondettes: Bye bye!

Rhonda: [spoken] Goodbye, saccharin! Uh!
[sings]
When I had my first taste of you
And you stopped my teenage sobbin's
By showing me there was a big, wide world
Outside of Baskin and Robbins

Rhondettes: [pull ice cream cones out of purses, lick them] Robbins!

[As the music continues, Rhonda and Rhondette #1 have a spoken interlude:]

Rhondette #1: So what did you weigh in college?

Rhonda: I went up and down.

Rhondette #1: Like, around what?

Rhonda: Between one-fifteen and one-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Closer to one-fifteen or one-twenty-five?

Rhonda: Between, like, one-twenty-three and one-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Like, around one-twenty-four?

Rhonda: [annoyed] Bitch!

[Cheers and applause distract Rhonda who forgets to sing the opening lines of the next verse but the omitted lyrics are shown here in brackets:]

Rhonda: [sings]
[We have been together ever since
You gave me my] first chance
To wear my clothes without imprintin' in my skin
The elastic from my underpants

Rhondettes: [pull panties out of purses, wave them] Underpants!

Rhonda:
But they don't care about the fact
That, since you've been around,
You're the only reason I can zip my jeans
Without lyin' down!

Rhondettes: [spoken] There's nothin' you can do!

Rhonda: [spoken] That's not true!
Imagine: I step into my car,
Drive a little too fast to the market,
I'm panicked, it's rainin' real hard
And I can't find a place to park it.
But, finally, exhausted, I race from the store. It feels really far.
And pile everything they have that contains artificial sweetener
In the front seat of my car.
Then I squeeze in and pull out,
Headin' for the next food place.
Too bad I didn't see the Good Humor truck
Comin' straight at me before the case of Tab slid across my face!

[Sound effects: tires squeal, automobile crashes]

Rhondette #2: [spoken] Have ya got insurance?! Have ya got insurance?! Have ya got insurance?!

Rhonda: [spoken] Watch me die!

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
And the truth is, that's what happened
Last Friday night at seven [church bells toll]

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
Now saccharin and I will be together forever
In low-calorie Heaven!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: You left a bad taste in my mouth!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: But you kept my seams from busting!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Without you in my life ...

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: ... my body would be absolutely disgusting!
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron ...

Rhondettes: ... but, sugar ...

Rhonda: ... there's no sugar substitute to substitute for saccharin!
[spoken]
But I'll be thin forever and maybe you should try it
Just do what I've done and go on the Car Crash diet!
Goodbye, Akron! Hello, saccharin!

[Song ends. Cheers and applause.]

Rhonda: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And, now - and now, everybody, everybody, I'd like to introduce the Rhondettes! Jane Curtin from Boston! [cheers and applause] Laraine Newman from L.A.! And, finally, Linda Ronstadt from the Plaza Hotel! [louder cheers and applause] Thank you. And, now, ladies and gentlemen ...

Rhonda and the Rhondettes: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!


Submitted Anonymously