Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Goodbye Saccharine

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Cheryl Hardwick, Paul Shaffer

Rhonda Weiss ... Gilda Radner
Rhondette #1 ... Jane Curtin
Rhondette #2 ... Laraine Newman
Rhondette #3 ... Linda Ronstadt

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Saturday Night is proud to present Rhonda Weiss and the Rhondettes!

[Music begins. Applause for Rhonda Weiss and Rhondettes, a sixties-era girl group whose lead singer is Jewish-American Princess Rhonda Weiss who wears a pink gown and holds a hand mike. The Rhondettes are three backing vocalists who have identical black hairstyles, wear black gowns and carry purses while standing in front of microphones at Home Base before a glittering curtain. The Rhondettes apply make-up and sing their backing vocals behind Rhonda:]

Rhonda: [sings]
They say you gave rats cancer
And I say that can't be true
Because you're just so very sweet
That's something you'd never do
I love you, I needed you
We had a fine relation
Till last week when it was ruined by the Food and Drug Administration
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron ...

Rhondettes: ... but, sugar ...

Rhonda: ... there's no sugar substitute to substitute for saccharin!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Goodbye, sacc-ha-rine!

Rhondettes: Bye bye!

Rhonda: [spoken] Goodbye, saccharin! Uh!
When I had my first taste of you
And you stopped my teenage sobbin's
By showing me there was a big, wide world
Outside of Baskin and Robbins

Rhondettes: [pull ice cream cones out of purses, lick them] Robbins!

[As the music continues, Rhonda and Rhondette #1 have a spoken interlude:]

Rhondette #1: So what did you weigh in college?

Rhonda: I went up and down.

Rhondette #1: Like, around what?

Rhonda: Between one-fifteen and one-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Closer to one-fifteen or one-twenty-five?

Rhonda: Between, like, one-twenty-three and one-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Like, around one-twenty-four?

Rhonda: [annoyed] Bitch!

[Cheers and applause distract Rhonda who forgets to sing the opening lines of the next verse but the omitted lyrics are shown here in brackets:]

Rhonda: [sings]
[We have been together ever since
You gave me my] first chance
To wear my clothes without imprintin' in my skin
The elastic from my underpants

Rhondettes: [pull panties out of purses, wave them] Underpants!

But they don't care about the fact
That, since you've been around,
You're the only reason I can zip my jeans
Without lyin' down!

Rhondettes: [spoken] There's nothin' you can do!

Rhonda: [spoken] That's not true!
Imagine: I step into my car,
Drive a little too fast to the market,
I'm panicked, it's rainin' real hard
And I can't find a place to park it.
But, finally, exhausted, I race from the store. It feels really far.
And pile everything they have that contains artificial sweetener
In the front seat of my car.
Then I squeeze in and pull out,
Headin' for the next food place.
Too bad I didn't see the Good Humor truck
Comin' straight at me before the case of Tab slid across my face!

[Sound effects: tires squeal, automobile crashes]

Rhondette #2: [spoken] Have ya got insurance?! Have ya got insurance?! Have ya got insurance?!

Rhonda: [spoken] Watch me die!

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
And the truth is, that's what happened
Last Friday night at seven
[church bells toll]

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
Now saccharin and I will be together forever
In low-calorie Heaven!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: You left a bad taste in my mouth!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: But you kept my seams from busting!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Without you in my life ...

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: ... my body would be absolutely disgusting!
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron ...

Rhondettes: ... but, sugar ...

Rhonda: ... there's no sugar substitute to substitute for saccharin!
But I'll be thin forever and maybe you should try it
Just do what I've done and go on the Car Crash diet!
Goodbye, Akron! Hello, saccharin!

[Song ends. Cheers and applause.]

Rhonda: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And, now - and now, everybody, everybody, I'd like to introduce the Rhondettes! Jane Curtin from Boston! [cheers and applause] Laraine Newman from L.A.! And, finally, Linda Ronstadt from the Plaza Hotel! [louder cheers and applause] Thank you. And, now, ladies and gentlemen ...

Rhonda and the Rhondettes: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

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