76q: Jack Burns / Santana
The Farbers Meet The Coneheads
Bobbi Farber ... Gilda Radner
Larry Farber ... John Belushi
Beldar Conehead ... Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead ... Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead ... Laraine Newman
[The spacious living room of the Farbers, a middle
class Jewish-American couple with high-pitched, nasal
voices. Bobbi walks down the stairs to confront her
Bobbi Farber: Larry Farber!
Larry Farber: What?
Bobbi Farber: Did you use the guest towels? I mean, I
just finished cleaning that bathroom. Our new
neighbors will be over any minute.
Larry Farber: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'll put out fresh
Bobbi Farber: Oh, no, no, no, no. What time did they
say they were coming over?
Larry Farber: Gee, I talked to 'em on the phone. I
told 'em to come over for drinks about eight o'clock.
Bobbi Farber: Eight o'clock?
Larry Farber: Yeah.
Bobbi Farber: You better start the broiler or we won't
have dinner till ten. Now, how many are coming?
Larry Farber: Well, I told the whole family. Mr. and
Mrs. Cohen, uh, I believe, and, uh, their - their
Bobbi Farber: Oh, well, what are their first names?
Larry Farber: Gee, I forgot to ask.
Bobbi Farber: Oh, Larry, you shouldn't-- [doorbell
rings] Oh, wait a minute. There they are.
Larry Farber: Okay.
[Bobbi goes to the front door and opens it to reveal
the Coneheads, an extraterrestrial family from the
planet Remulak trying to fit unobtrusively into the
American suburbs. There are three of them: Beldar, the
father, Prymaat, the mother, and their teenaged
daughter Connie. They wear ordinary American clothes
but with small silver capes tied around their necks
and shoulders, speak with nasal robotic voices, and
have unnaturally large hairless heads shaped like
Beldar Conehead: Greetings!
[Cheers and applause. Weird alien music. SUPER: THE
FARBERS MEET THE CONEHEADS]
Bobbi Farber: Oh, hi! Larry! It's our new neighbors!
Uh, I'm Bobbi Farber and this is my husband Larry.
Larry Farber: Hi! How are ya? You can just call me the
[The Farbers chuckle nasally as the Coneheads enter as
a group and approach Larry.]
Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar. This is Prymaat and
Connie. I trust we have arrived at the predesignated
Larry Farber: Well, actually, you're a bit early but
that's okay. Uh, look, come on in and sit down. Just
don't put your feet on the furniture. That's the only
rule we have around here. Ha! Other than that, you can
go crazy. [The Coneheads sit together on one sofa
opposite the Farbers on another, a coffee table
between them] Uh, Cohen, Cohen. Is that spelled with
Prymaat Conehead: Conehead. The name is Conehead.
Larry Farber: Conehead?
Connie Conehead: We come from France.
Bobbi Farber: Ohhhhh! Oh, France! Well, that explains
Larry Farber: So, uh, you think you're gonna like your
Beldar Conehead: It will be more than adequate
Prymaat Conehead: It is also visually pleasing.
Bobbi Farber: Why was it glowing last night?
Larry Farber: Yeah, uh, well, say, how 'bout a drink?
What do you say? Huh? How 'bout a drink?
Prymaat Conehead: Most certainly. We would enjoy
consuming mass quantities of any substance you have to
Connie Conehead: Yes. I dig liquids.
Bobbi Farber: [rising] Ah, well, come on... Come on,
Prymaat. Come with me in the kitchen. I just
[Prymaat rises and presses up against Bobbi - the
Coneheads have little understanding of "personal
space" - and the two women exit to the kitchen.]
Larry Farber: [watching them go] Very - very
attractive wife you have there. She's quite a - quite
[Beldar puts an entire pack of cigarettes in his mouth
and lights up with a flaming cigarette lighter.]
Larry Farber: Hey, uh, that's another rule we've got
[Beldar exhales smoke and lights up again.]
Larry Farber: Hey, uh, Beldar, that's a - heh heh -
that's another rule we have around the Farber
household. No smoking. You know, it's just something
that bothers me.
Beldar Conehead: I will comply. [puts out cigarettes]
Larry Farber: Thank you. I mean, uh, there's no
smoking, no putting your feet on the table or -- I
mean, other than that, you can go nuts here.
Connie Conehead: [picks up a cube from the coffee
table] What is this cubicle object?
Larry Farber: Oh, oh, those are some pictures that,
uh, we took on our trip to Disney World.
Beldar Conehead: Disney World?
Connie Conehead: Yes. A vast man-made construction
which duplicates human psycho-sexual experiences
through tension-releasing fantasy mechanisms.
Larry Farber: Yeah, that's me on the pirate ride,
Beldar Conehead: [to Connie] Similar to the Vactroth
pods of Remulak.
Larry Farber: Yeah, Remulak, what is that? A cough
Connie Conehead: No! It's a small town in France.
Larry Farber: Oh. Right.
[Bobbi and Prymaat return carrying a tray of liquor
and some snacks which they place on the coffee table.]
Bobbi Farber: Okay, everybody, here's the drinks. Have
one or two. Right, you know, Larry used to be a
Larry Farber: Aw, come on. I do it - I do it, uh,
twice a year for the VFW.
[The Coneheads each grab a bottle from the tray and
sit on the sofa chugging from them, to the
astonishment of the Farbers.]
Bobbi Farber: [dismayed] Ohhhhh.
Larry Farber: Boy! You people sure know how to suck it
back, don't you? Where do you put it all, huh?
[Larry decides to imitate them and knocks back a
bottle of his own, much to Bobbi's alarm.]
Bobbi Farber: Larry, Larry, Larry. Why - why - why
don't you have some chips and dip? Enjoy yourselves.
[The Coneheads grab fistfuls of chips, plunge them
into the dip and start snarfing them down, filling
their faces, spilling crumbs everywhere.]
Bobbi Farber: Here. Watch the table. [Larry imitates
the Coneheads to Bobbi's dismay] Larry, Larry, stop
it. [wipes crumbs off his mouth] Larry, oh, now I
don't want you to drink too - Larry, don't drink too
much. You remember what happened to me last year when
I drank all that kalua and ate all those scallops.
Larry Farber: Wow, boy, did she get sick. And guess
who had to clean it up? You had to see it! Scallops
and kalua all over the bathroom floor.
[The Farbers laugh nasally, then the Coneheads jump in
with an even more nasal laugh. The Farbers just stare
Larry Farber: That was funny.
Bobbi Farber: [rises] Wow, gee, we're still around an
hour away from dinner. Why don't we play a little
The Coneheads: Scrabble?
Beldar Conehead: Scrabble?
Prymaat Conehead: Scrabble?
Connie Conehead: Small rocks for paving roads?
Larry Farber: No, no. That's gravel. [the Farbers
clean off the coffee table] Um, you know, Scrabble,
it's a game. Haven't you ever heard of Scrabble?
Connie Conehead: Do you have an instruction manual?
Bobbi Farber: Oh, yes. One second. [Bobbi gets the
Larry Farber: Yeah, we do. It's written right in here.
Bobbi Farber: Here ya go. [hands Scrabble box top to
Larry Farber: Right there on the back.
[Connie speed reads the instructions to the
accompaniment of an alien sound effect, then hands
them to Beldar who does the same thing and passes the
instructions to Prymaat. When she finishes, she puts
the instructions aside and all three begin rapidly
chanting "Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble" and
join the Farbers in setting up for the game.]
Bobbi Farber: You keep score, Larry.
Larry Farber: I'll keep score. You catch on pretty
fast, you know.
Beldar Conehead: Let us commence!
Larry Farber: Okay.
Bobbi Farber: Oh, wait a minute. I have a word here.
I'll go first.
Larry Farber: Yeah?
Bobbi Farber: F-R-E-S-C-A. Fresca.
Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hooooold it. You can't use
Bobbi Farber: Why not?
Larry Farber: 'Cause it's a soft drink.
Bobbi Farber: So what?
Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.
Prymaat Conehead: S-E-B-F-A-R-G. Sebfarg.
Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hoooold it. Now, what's a
Beldar Conehead: Sebfarg. One of the ten protoids.
Self-reproducing fuel source used in our early star
Prymaat Conehead: In France.
Beldar Conehead: Yes.
Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.
Bobbi Farber: Oh, I see.
Larry Farber: [keeping score] How many ya got there?
One, two ....
Connie Conehead: K-L-A-T-U. Klatu.
Larry Farber: Hey, maybe we shouldn't play this game
if we keep using French words. I don't know.
Bobbi Farber: Right. Larry doesn't know French because
he's a salesman.
Larry Farber: Hey, I'm not a salesman any more,
y'know, I got a little piece of the action now,
y'know. I don't know what your bag is, Beldar, but,
uh, I'm doing pretty well right now in, uh, women's
commercial hair dryers.
The Coneheads: Hair dryers?
Larry Farber: Oh, yeah. I distribute 'em on the
Bobbi Farber: Oh, oh, show them, Larry.
Larry Farber: [rises] Oh, yeah, let me show ya my
newest model. [briefly exits]
Bobbi Farber: Show them. [to the Coneheads] Larry is
the best salesman in his district, really. This year,
he's done incredibly well. I'm very proud of him.
Larry Farber: [enters with a large hair dryer, the
kind you find women sitting beneath in a beauty salon]
Yeah, we call this one the Farm.
Bobbi Farber: Right.
[The Coneheads squeal in fear at the sight of the hair
dryer which apparently resembles some sort of torture
device for cones. They rise, move in a panic around
the sofa and leap through the large window in the rear
of the living room. Beldar goes first, shattering the
glass and disappearing from view. Then Connie. Then
Prymaat who stumbles horribly at the sill before
finally exiting through the frame. Bobbi rises and
joins a confused Larry by the hair dryer.]
Bobbi Farber: Larry?
Larry Farber: Yes, honey?
Bobbi Farber: Do you--?
Larry Farber: Yes, honey?
Bobbi Farber: Do you think "hair dryer" means
something bad in French?
Larry Farber: [shrugs] I don't know. I guess.
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set and pan over the
cameras and microphones to the applauding audience in
the Studio 8H balcony. SUPER: COMING UP NEXT ...
ZIPCODES OF THE GODS]