Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

The Farbers Meet The Coneheads

Bobbi Farber ... Gilda Radner
Larry Farber ... John Belushi
Beldar Conehead ... Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead ... Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead ... Laraine Newman

[The spacious living room of the Farbers, a middle class Jewish-American couple with high-pitched, nasal voices. Bobbi walks down the stairs to confront her husband Larry.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry Farber!

Larry Farber: What?

Bobbi Farber: Did you use the guest towels? I mean, I just finished cleaning that bathroom. Our new neighbors will be over any minute.

Larry Farber: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'll put out fresh ones.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, no, no, no, no. What time did they say they were coming over?

Larry Farber: Gee, I talked to 'em on the phone. I told 'em to come over for drinks about eight o'clock.

Bobbi Farber: Eight o'clock?

Larry Farber: Yeah.

Bobbi Farber: You better start the broiler or we won't have dinner till ten. Now, how many are coming?

Larry Farber: Well, I told the whole family. Mr. and Mrs. Cohen, uh, I believe, and, uh, their - their teenage daughter.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, well, what are their first names?

Larry Farber: Gee, I forgot to ask.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, Larry, you shouldn't-- [doorbell rings] Oh, wait a minute. There they are.

Larry Farber: Okay.

[Bobbi goes to the front door and opens it to reveal the Coneheads, an extraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak trying to fit unobtrusively into the American suburbs. There are three of them: Beldar, the father, Prymaat, the mother, and their teenaged daughter Connie. They wear ordinary American clothes but with small silver capes tied around their necks and shoulders, speak with nasal robotic voices, and have unnaturally large hairless heads shaped like cones.]

Beldar Conehead: Greetings!

[Cheers and applause. Weird alien music. SUPER: THE FARBERS MEET THE CONEHEADS]

Bobbi Farber: Oh, hi! Larry! It's our new neighbors! Uh, I'm Bobbi Farber and this is my husband Larry.

Larry Farber: Hi! How are ya? You can just call me the Farb.

[The Farbers chuckle nasally as the Coneheads enter as a group and approach Larry.]

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar. This is Prymaat and Connie. I trust we have arrived at the predesignated time coordinates.

Larry Farber: Well, actually, you're a bit early but that's okay. Uh, look, come on in and sit down. Just don't put your feet on the furniture. That's the only rule we have around here. Ha! Other than that, you can go crazy. [The Coneheads sit together on one sofa opposite the Farbers on another, a coffee table between them] Uh, Cohen, Cohen. Is that spelled with an 'H'?

Prymaat Conehead: Conehead. The name is Conehead.

Larry Farber: Conehead?

Connie Conehead: We come from France.

Bobbi Farber: Ohhhhh! Oh, France! Well, that explains everything.

Larry Farber: So, uh, you think you're gonna like your new house?

Beldar Conehead: It will be more than adequate shelter.

Prymaat Conehead: It is also visually pleasing.

Bobbi Farber: Why was it glowing last night?

Larry Farber: Yeah, uh, well, say, how 'bout a drink? What do you say? Huh? How 'bout a drink?

Prymaat Conehead: Most certainly. We would enjoy consuming mass quantities of any substance you have to offer.

Connie Conehead: Yes. I dig liquids.

Bobbi Farber: [rising] Ah, well, come on... Come on, Prymaat. Come with me in the kitchen. I just remodeled.

[Prymaat rises and presses up against Bobbi - the Coneheads have little understanding of "personal space" - and the two women exit to the kitchen.]

Larry Farber: [watching them go] Very - very attractive wife you have there. She's quite a - quite a -

[Beldar puts an entire pack of cigarettes in his mouth and lights up with a flaming cigarette lighter.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, that's another rule we've got here...

[Beldar exhales smoke and lights up again.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, Beldar, that's a - heh heh - that's another rule we have around the Farber household. No smoking. You know, it's just something that bothers me.

Beldar Conehead: I will comply. [puts out cigarettes]

Larry Farber: Thank you. I mean, uh, there's no smoking, no putting your feet on the table or -- I mean, other than that, you can go nuts here.

Connie Conehead: [picks up a cube from the coffee table] What is this cubicle object?

Larry Farber: Oh, oh, those are some pictures that, uh, we took on our trip to Disney World.

Beldar Conehead: Disney World?

Connie Conehead: Yes. A vast man-made construction which duplicates human psycho-sexual experiences through tension-releasing fantasy mechanisms.

Larry Farber: Yeah, that's me on the pirate ride, here. [points]

Beldar Conehead: [to Connie] Similar to the Vactroth pods of Remulak.

Larry Farber: Yeah, Remulak, what is that? A cough medicine?

Connie Conehead: No! It's a small town in France.

Larry Farber: Oh. Right.

[Bobbi and Prymaat return carrying a tray of liquor and some snacks which they place on the coffee table.]

Bobbi Farber: Okay, everybody, here's the drinks. Have one or two. Right, you know, Larry used to be a semi-professional bartender.

Larry Farber: Aw, come on. I do it - I do it, uh, twice a year for the VFW.

[The Coneheads each grab a bottle from the tray and sit on the sofa chugging from them, to the astonishment of the Farbers.]

Bobbi Farber: [dismayed] Ohhhhh.

Larry Farber: Boy! You people sure know how to suck it back, don't you? Where do you put it all, huh?

[Larry decides to imitate them and knocks back a bottle of his own, much to Bobbi's alarm.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry, Larry, Larry. Why - why - why don't you have some chips and dip? Enjoy yourselves.

[The Coneheads grab fistfuls of chips, plunge them into the dip and start snarfing them down, filling their faces, spilling crumbs everywhere.]

Bobbi Farber: Here. Watch the table. [Larry imitates the Coneheads to Bobbi's dismay] Larry, Larry, stop it. [wipes crumbs off his mouth] Larry, oh, now I don't want you to drink too - Larry, don't drink too much. You remember what happened to me last year when I drank all that kalua and ate all those scallops.

Larry Farber: Wow, boy, did she get sick. And guess who had to clean it up? You had to see it! Scallops and kalua all over the bathroom floor.

[The Farbers laugh nasally, then the Coneheads jump in with an even more nasal laugh. The Farbers just stare at them.]

Larry Farber: That was funny.

Bobbi Farber: [rises] Wow, gee, we're still around an hour away from dinner. Why don't we play a little Scrabble?

The Coneheads: Scrabble?

Beldar Conehead: Scrabble?

Prymaat Conehead: Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Small rocks for paving roads?

Larry Farber: No, no. That's gravel. [the Farbers clean off the coffee table] Um, you know, Scrabble, it's a game. Haven't you ever heard of Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Do you have an instruction manual?

Bobbi Farber: Oh, yes. One second. [Bobbi gets the Scrabble box]

Larry Farber: Yeah, we do. It's written right in here.

Bobbi Farber: Here ya go. [hands Scrabble box top to Connie]

Larry Farber: Right there on the back.

[Connie speed reads the instructions to the accompaniment of an alien sound effect, then hands them to Beldar who does the same thing and passes the instructions to Prymaat. When she finishes, she puts the instructions aside and all three begin rapidly chanting "Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble" and join the Farbers in setting up for the game.]

Bobbi Farber: You keep score, Larry.

Larry Farber: I'll keep score. You catch on pretty fast, you know.

Beldar Conehead: Let us commence!

Larry Farber: Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, wait a minute. I have a word here. I'll go first.

Larry Farber: Yeah?

Bobbi Farber: F-R-E-S-C-A. Fresca.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hooooold it. You can't use that.

Bobbi Farber: Why not?

Larry Farber: 'Cause it's a soft drink.

Bobbi Farber: So what?

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Prymaat Conehead: S-E-B-F-A-R-G. Sebfarg.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hoooold it. Now, what's a sebfarg?

Beldar Conehead: Sebfarg. One of the ten protoids. Self-reproducing fuel source used in our early star cruisers.

Prymaat Conehead: In France.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, I see.

Larry Farber: [keeping score] How many ya got there? One, two ....

Connie Conehead: K-L-A-T-U. Klatu.

Larry Farber: Hey, maybe we shouldn't play this game if we keep using French words. I don't know.

Bobbi Farber: Right. Larry doesn't know French because he's a salesman.

Larry Farber: Hey, I'm not a salesman any more, y'know, I got a little piece of the action now, y'know. I don't know what your bag is, Beldar, but, uh, I'm doing pretty well right now in, uh, women's commercial hair dryers.

The Coneheads: Hair dryers?

Larry Farber: Oh, yeah. I distribute 'em on the wholesale level.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, oh, show them, Larry.

Larry Farber: [rises] Oh, yeah, let me show ya my newest model. [briefly exits]

Bobbi Farber: Show them. [to the Coneheads] Larry is the best salesman in his district, really. This year, he's done incredibly well. I'm very proud of him.

Larry Farber: [enters with a large hair dryer, the kind you find women sitting beneath in a beauty salon] Yeah, we call this one the Farm.

Bobbi Farber: Right.

[The Coneheads squeal in fear at the sight of the hair dryer which apparently resembles some sort of torture device for cones. They rise, move in a panic around the sofa and leap through the large window in the rear of the living room. Beldar goes first, shattering the glass and disappearing from view. Then Connie. Then Prymaat who stumbles horribly at the sill before finally exiting through the frame. Bobbi rises and joins a confused Larry by the hair dryer.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you--?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you think "hair dryer" means something bad in French?

Larry Farber: [shrugs] I don't know. I guess.

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set and pan over the cameras and microphones to the applauding audience in the Studio 8H balcony. SUPER: COMING UP NEXT ... ZIPCODES OF THE GODS]

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