Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Marine Wedding

Chaplain ... Jack Burns
Groom ... Dan Aykroyd
Bride ... Jane Curtin

[Below deck on a ship, a wedding ceremony is in progress. Most of the guests wear civilian clothes but the bride, groom, and chaplain are in Marine dress uniforms.]

Chaplain: We are gathered here today in this ship to unite this man, Sergeant Louis Boyd and, uh, this woman, Private Kathryn Lazetti, in holy matrimony. Let us be mindful, however, in one sense, that these two people are already united under the holiest of all matrimonies, a commitment to the United States Marines. [the bride and groom smile and glance at their guests] Am I right, Sergeant Boyd?

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I can't hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I still can't hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: I can't hear you!

Groom: YES, SIR!

Chaplain: [quietly] Living within the sacred, sacred bonds of wedlock requires love, patience and consideration on the part of both. The rewards, of course, are the warmth and growing beauty which grows from a lifelong companionship. [suddenly yells at the bride] Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: Slime?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: What are you?!

Bride: We are slime, sir!

Chaplain: LOUDER!


Chaplain: LOUDER!


Chaplain: [quietly] Do you... do you Sergeant Boyd take this woman, Kathryn Lazetti, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, for richer and poorer until the death do you part?

Groom: [quietly] I do.

Chaplain: I can't hear you.

Groom: I do.

Chaplain: I can't hear you!

Groom: I do!

Chaplain: I can't hear you!

Groom: I DO, SIR!!!

Chaplain: [quietly] And do you, do you, Private Lazetti... [suddenly yelling] ... know the categories of explosive mines?! Sound off! On the double!

Bride: Anti-tank! Anti-personnel! Anti-airborne! Anti- Anti-amphibious, sir!

Chaplain: And do you take this MAGGOT!, Sergeant Louis Boyd, do you take him to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to hold in hand-to-hand assault position as in combat drill number A-1750?! Move!

[The bride and groom instantly perform the drill: he attacks her, she grabs his arm and throws him to the ground. He quickly rises and they resume their places.]

Chaplain: Do you?!

Bride: [demurely] I do.

Chaplain: [quietly] All right. I now pronounce you man and wife. [to the groom] You may now describe the 75 mm recoilless rifle.

Groom: Air code, single shot, breach-loading weapon using fixed ammunition, portable, designed to be fired from a machine gun tripod mount!

Chaplain: Kiss the bride.

[Groom leans over mechanically, gives bride a quick noisy smooch, then resumes his place.]

Chaplain: Congratulations. I hope you'll both be very happy and uncomfortable. Reception is on deck. Bridal couple, wedding guests, file, single, two, move! [Bride takes groom's arm and they hustle off, the wedding guests run off after them, the chaplain screaming at them] Move! Move it! Move, you people! Move, you slime! I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!

[After all have exited, the chaplain quietly salutes God and mouths a thank you to Him before we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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