76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Executive Suicide

Mr. Ross ... Jack Burns
Sherry ... Laraine Newman
Barry Spats ... John Belushi
Policeman #1 ... Bill Murray
Policeman #2 ... Garrett Morris
Tom Sussman ... Dan Aykroyd
Lois ... Jane Curtin
Mistress ... Gilda Radner

[Wealthy executive Mr. Ross sits at his desk in a fancy skyscraper office high above the city. He speaks into his intercom.]

Mr. Ross: Uh, Sherry, can you - can you come in, please, and, uh, bring your - bring your pad with you?

[Sherry, a daffy blonde receptionist, with a thick California accent, enters.]

Sherry: Hi, Mr. Ross! Just look at this boss pen I got from a deaf and dumb person who came to the reception desk! It only cost me six dollars! You know, that seemed like a lot of money for a pen but he talked me into it.

Mr. Ross: [rises] Well, uh, Sherry, will you - will you take a letter, please?

Sherry: [sits at desk] For sure.

[Mr. Ross opens the office window that looks out on the city skyline, traffic noises drift in from the street below.]

Mr. Ross: [dictates, to Sherry] Uh, to, uh, to whom - to whom it may--

Sherry: Oh, damn it! Wait a second. This pen doesn't work! [shakes the pen] Guy, my friend told me you can get it to work if you shake it like this. She said it had something to do with Kahoutec. Oh, it's working now.

Mr. Ross: Okay, dear.

Sherry: Okay.

Mr. Ross: Uh, to whom it may concern: My, uh, business has gone bankrupt. Fran has left me. I have nothing to live for. So, good-bye forever.

[Mr. Ross leaps up on the window sill and prepares to jump but before he can:]

Sherry: Okay, you want me to read that back to you, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: [looks back at Sherry] Yeah, okay. [climbs down from sill]

Sherry: Okay. [reads] "To whom it may concern: My business is bankrupt. Fran has left me. So, good-bye forever."

Mr. Ross: Oh. Uh, make that: "Good-bye forever, good-bye."

Sherry: [writing] "Good-bye forever, good-bye."

Mr. Ross: Yeah. Now, would you send out some copies to my, uh, attorney, my accountant and to the Morgan Trust Company, who is in charge of my estate, and, by the way, would you please cancel my three o'clock appointment with Barry Spats? All right?

Sherry: [looks at him, seriously] Mr. Ross. I think I know what you need. A nice hot cup of fresh coffee.

Mr. Ross: Uh, no, dear, I'm gonna kill myself. Heh, see?

Sherry: Oh. Well, can I get one?

Mr. Ross: Er, sure, yeah, okay.

Sherry: Thanks.

[Sherry rises and exits. Mr. Ross watches her go, shakes his head, returns to the window, peers down at the street below. He sees a large fish tank next to the window, thinks it over, nods, holds his breath, and then plunges his face into the tank, trying to drown himself. Sherry re-enters with a coffee mug and sees Mr. Ross at the fish tank. She crosses to him and taps him on the shoulder.]

Sherry: Mr. Ross? Mr. Ross?! [pulls him out of the tank]

Mr. Ross: [dripping wet, impatient] What is it, Sherry?

Sherry: Look. I know you're super-preoccupied and everything but, like, I'd really like the rest of the day off. You see, my boyfriend Brad is flying in from L.A. and he's rully, rully pissed at me 'cause he found out that I went to the Eagles concert with this guy Greg, who's rully gay but that doesn't matter to Bra-ad -- and, like, I told him that I rully need some space and that he doesn't own me. Don't you agree, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: I can't - I can't - I can't take it any more, honey. I'm sorry, I'm going! [leaps on to the window sill]

Sherry: Oh, Mr. Ross! Don't jump!

[Mr. Ross jumps out the window and screams as if falling many stories but, in fact, he remains in view just outside the window. He turns around and looks down to see that he is still standing. Laraine Newman, playing Sherry, breaks character.]

Laraine Newman: [dry sarcasm, to host Jack Burns who has been playing Mr. Ross] Great leap, Jack. [disgusted, she removes her blonde wig]

Jack Burns: [also breaking character] Um, wha- wha- what happened?

Laraine Newman: Well, that was a real convincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be a skyscraper, you know, we're supposed to be high above the ground and-- You were supposed to duck!

Jack Burns: Well, why didn't somebody tell me? I read the script. It just said jump. It didn't say anything about ducking. I mean, it's-- I - I didn't know that, you know, uh, Laraine. I--

[John Belushi, playing hip businessman Barry Spats, wearing blue suit and tinted sunglasses, bursts in.]

Barry Spats: Hi! How do you do?! I'm Barry Spats! I believe I have a three o'clock appointment with Mr. Ross! Hey!

Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jack forgot to jump, er, duck.

John Belushi: [instantly breaks character and screams at an embarrassed Jack Burns] GREAT, JACK! NICE GOIN'! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO HERE, JACK!

[Sirens wail.]

Laraine Newman: [to Jack Burns] Hey! Hear those sirens? That's supposed to be the ambulance that arrives too late to save you!

Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn't we do it over? I'm willing to do it over again--

[Two uniformed policemen, played by Bill Murray and Garrett Morris, enter.]

Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that they saw a man jump out of this window!

Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him for us? What's the victim's name?

Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.

Policeman #1: [confused] Huh?

Jack Burns: [waves shyly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.

Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nice work, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standing up?

[Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, playing Tom Sussman, a journalist in a trench coat, and his photographer, Lois, burst in.]

Tom Sussman: Okay! Hold it, everybody! Uh, Tom Sussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois! This is gonna be a great story! "Wealthy Exec Gets Depressed - Wife Leaves Him - He Takes the Plunge!"

Laraine Newman: Dan! Jane.

[The rest of the cast points or nods in Jack Burns' direction. Dan Aykroyd sees him and breaks character.]

Dan Aykroyd: Oh.

Jack Burns: I - I sort of feel responsible for this, Dan. You see, what--

[Gilda Radner as Mr. Ross' mistress enters dramatically, screaming horribly, eyes shut tight, clutching her hands to her head. Applause for her entrance.]

Mistress: I just saw him lying on the sidewalk! Oh, my God! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekend in Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we were gonna work it out! But I came to tell him it was over! I feel terrible!

John Belushi: You feel terrible? How do you think I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving my big speech! [disappointed] Oh, God. [off Jack Burns] Because Mr. Improv over here didn't know how to DUCK! [to Jack Burns] ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!

Jack Burns: [quietly] That's right. I didn't know it was in the script.

[Uniformed Boy Scout, carrying flag that reads TROOP 35, enters.]

Boy Scout: He was - he was my troop leader. Does this mean the hike is off?

[Disgusted, the cast members begin grumbling and leaving the set.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, let's get out of here.

Gilda Radner: Come on.

John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr. Realism over here?

Laraine Newman: You're on your own, Jack.

John Belushi: Take care.

Bill Murray: Sweet workin' with ya, Jack!

[The cast exits. Alone on the set, still standing outside the window, Jack Burns smiles apologetically to the camera.]

Jack Burns: I - I - I feel kind of humiliated, you know, fouling the sketch up like this. I did try. I mean, I - I - I've been trying all week, uh, I was trying to get in shape for the show mentally as well as physically and, uh--

[Burns goes on to introduce a film by Gary Weis.]


Submitted Anonymously