76q: Jack Burns / Santana
Mr. Ross ... Jack Burns
Sherry ... Laraine Newman
Barry Spats ... John Belushi
Policeman #1 ... Bill Murray
Policeman #2 ... Garrett Morris
Tom Sussman ... Dan Aykroyd
Lois ... Jane Curtin
Mistress ... Gilda Radner
[Wealthy executive Mr. Ross sits at his desk in a
fancy skyscraper office high above the city. He speaks
into his intercom.]
Mr. Ross: Uh, Sherry, can you - can you come
in, please, and, uh, bring your - bring your pad with
[Sherry, a daffy blonde receptionist, with a thick
California accent, enters.]
Sherry: Hi, Mr. Ross! Just look at this boss
pen I got from a deaf and dumb person who came to the
reception desk! It only cost me six dollars! You know,
that seemed like a lot of money for a pen but he
talked me into it.
Mr. Ross: [rises] Well, uh, Sherry, will you -
will you take a letter, please?
Sherry: [sits at desk] For sure.
[Mr. Ross opens the office window that looks out on
the city skyline, traffic noises drift in from the
Mr. Ross: [dictates, to Sherry] Uh, to, uh, to
whom - to whom it may--
Sherry: Oh, damn it! Wait a second. This pen
doesn't work! [shakes the pen] Guy, my friend told me
you can get it to work if you shake it like this. She
said it had something to do with Kahoutec. Oh, it's
Mr. Ross: Okay, dear.
Mr. Ross: Uh, to whom it may concern: My, uh,
business has gone bankrupt. Fran has left me. I have
nothing to live for. So, good-bye forever.
[Mr. Ross leaps up on the window sill and prepares to
jump but before he can:]
Sherry: Okay, you want me to read that back to
you, Mr. Ross?
Mr. Ross: [looks back at Sherry] Yeah, okay.
[climbs down from sill]
Sherry: Okay. [reads] "To whom it may concern:
My business is bankrupt. Fran has left me. So,
Mr. Ross: Oh. Uh, make that: "Good-bye forever,
Sherry: [writing] "Good-bye forever,
Mr. Ross: Yeah. Now, would you send out some
copies to my, uh, attorney, my accountant and to the
Morgan Trust Company, who is in charge of my estate,
and, by the way, would you please cancel my three
o'clock appointment with Barry Spats? All
Sherry: [looks at him, seriously] Mr. Ross. I
think I know what you need. A nice hot cup of fresh
Mr. Ross: Uh, no, dear, I'm gonna kill myself.
Sherry: Oh. Well, can I get one?
Mr. Ross: Er, sure, yeah, okay.
[Sherry rises and exits. Mr. Ross watches her go,
shakes his head, returns to the window, peers down at
the street below. He sees a large fish tank next to
the window, thinks it over, nods, holds his breath,
and then plunges his face into the tank, trying to
drown himself. Sherry re-enters with a coffee mug and
sees Mr. Ross at the fish tank. She crosses to him and
taps him on the shoulder.]
Sherry: Mr. Ross? Mr. Ross?! [pulls him out of
Mr. Ross: [dripping wet, impatient] What is it,
Sherry: Look. I know you're super-preoccupied
and everything but, like, I'd really like the rest of
the day off. You see, my boyfriend Brad is flying in
from L.A. and he's rully, rully pissed at me
'cause he found out that I went to the Eagles concert
with this guy Greg, who's rully gay but that
doesn't matter to Bra-ad -- and, like, I told him
that I rully need some space and that he doesn't own
me. Don't you agree, Mr. Ross?
Mr. Ross: I can't - I can't - I can't take it
any more, honey. I'm sorry, I'm going! [leaps on to
the window sill]
Sherry: Oh, Mr. Ross! Don't jump!
[Mr. Ross jumps out the window and screams as if
falling many stories but, in fact, he remains in view
just outside the window. He turns around and looks
down to see that he is still standing. Laraine Newman,
playing Sherry, breaks character.]
Laraine Newman: [dry sarcasm, to host Jack
Burns who has been playing Mr. Ross] Great leap, Jack.
[disgusted, she removes her blonde wig]
Jack Burns: [also breaking character] Um, wha-
wha- what happened?
Laraine Newman: Well, that was a real
convincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be a
skyscraper, you know, we're supposed to be high above
the ground and-- You were supposed to duck!
Jack Burns: Well, why didn't somebody tell me?
I read the script. It just said jump. It didn't say
anything about ducking. I mean, it's-- I - I didn't
know that, you know, uh, Laraine. I--
[John Belushi, playing hip businessman Barry Spats,
wearing blue suit and tinted sunglasses, bursts
Barry Spats: Hi! How do you do?! I'm Barry
Spats! I believe I have a three o'clock appointment
with Mr. Ross! Hey!
Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jack
forgot to jump, er, duck.
John Belushi: [instantly breaks character and
screams at an embarrassed Jack Burns] GREAT, JACK!
NICE GOIN'! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
Laraine Newman: [to Jack Burns] Hey! Hear those
sirens? That's supposed to be the ambulance that
arrives too late to save you!
Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn't we do it over?
I'm willing to do it over again--
[Two uniformed policemen, played by Bill Murray and
Garrett Morris, enter.]
Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that they
saw a man jump out of this window!
Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him for
us? What's the victim's name?
Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.
Policeman #1: [confused] Huh?
Jack Burns: [waves shyly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.
Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nice
work, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standing
[Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, playing Tom Sussman, a
journalist in a trench coat, and his photographer,
Lois, burst in.]
Tom Sussman: Okay! Hold it, everybody! Uh, Tom
Sussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois!
This is gonna be a great story! "Wealthy Exec Gets
Depressed - Wife Leaves Him - He Takes the
Laraine Newman: Dan! Jane.
[The rest of the cast points or nods in Jack Burns'
direction. Dan Aykroyd sees him and breaks
Dan Aykroyd: Oh.
Jack Burns: I - I sort of feel responsible for
this, Dan. You see, what--
[Gilda Radner as Mr. Ross' mistress enters
dramatically, screaming horribly, eyes shut tight,
clutching her hands to her head. Applause for her
Mistress: I just saw him lying on the sidewalk!
Oh, my God! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekend
in Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we were
gonna work it out! But I came to tell him it was over!
I feel terrible!
John Belushi: You feel terrible? How do you
think I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving my big
speech! [disappointed] Oh, God. [off Jack Burns]
Because Mr. Improv over here didn't know how to DUCK!
[to Jack Burns] ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!
Jack Burns: [quietly] That's right. I didn't
know it was in the script.
[Uniformed Boy Scout, carrying flag that reads TROOP
Boy Scout: He was - he was my troop leader.
Does this mean the hike is off?
[Disgusted, the cast members begin grumbling and
leaving the set.]
Laraine Newman: Oh, let's get out of
Gilda Radner: Come on.
John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr.
Realism over here?
Laraine Newman: You're on your own,
John Belushi: Take care.
Bill Murray: Sweet workin' with ya,
[The cast exits. Alone on the set, still standing
outside the window, Jack Burns smiles apologetically
to the camera.]
Jack Burns: I - I - I feel kind of humiliated,
you know, fouling the sketch up like this. I did try.
I mean, I - I - I've been trying all week, uh, I was
trying to get in shape for the show mentally as well
as physically and, uh--
[Burns goes on to introduce a film by Gary