76r: Julian Bond / Tom Waits, Brick
Written by: Tom Schiller
Leonard Pinth-Garnell.....Dan Aykroyd
Truman Capote.....John Belushi
Lina Wurtmuller.....Laraine Newman
T. Lazlo de Wizzen.....Julian Bond
[ open on title slide: "Bad Cinema" ]
[ Music: classical piano - "March of the Lunatics" ]
Announcer: And now it's time for "Bad Cinema", with your host -- Leonard Pinth-Garnell.
[ music fades, as the scene dissolves onto Leonard Pinth-Garnell seated in a director's chair surrounded by film reels ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Hello, I'm Leonard Pinth-Garnell, and welcome once again to "Bad Cinema". We have a terrible film for you tonight. Before we actually roll the film, I'd like to introduce our distinguished panel. We have, uh, with us -- we're delighted to have -- author Truman Capote, who joins us tonight fresh from his debut as a bad actor.
[ Capote smirks and nods ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: And with us, also, tonight -- just joining us -- Hello, Lina.
[ Laraine Newman enters the stage late ]
Lina Wurtmuller: [ quietly, due to not having a lapel microphone ] I'm so sorry.
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: That's quite alright. Do you have -- do you have the proper amplification? A microphone?
Lina Wurtmuller: Sorry.
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I think there's a small microphone on your chair. [ Lina grabs her lapel microphone and clips it on ] Thank you. If you could just clip it on.
Lina Wurtmuller: Very good!
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Ah! With us, is Italian filmmaker Lina Wurtmuller, who, if she is given a few more years and continued complete artistic control, may well turn out to be one of the world's leading BAD filmmakers. And we also welcome T. Lazlo de Wizzen, cinema noir critic for Jet magazine. He also holds a chair at Viscount College, where he teaches a workshop in BAD lighting.
[ Wizzen shakes his fist in triumph ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I feel confident... that tonight's selected bad film really BITES it! It was one of the worst works of Henri Heimeau, one of the very worst of the new breed of bad filmmakers to come out of Le College de Cinema Movec. Poorly conceived, dreadfully executed, we are proud to present Henri Heimeau's "ooh-la-la! les legs!" Let's roll the film, shall we?
[ Leonard Pinth-Garnell starts up the projector ]
[ dissolve to the film's opening titles: a couple dancing before the Eiffel Tower, groups of people dancing around statues, various close-ups of Suzi's legs, etc. ]
"ooh-la-la! les legs!"
un film de Henri Heimeau
Avec "Suzi" et Les Six ]
[ dissolve back to the projector as the film finishes ]
[ wide shot reveals Leonard Pinth-Garnell clapping, as members of the panel can be heard blowing raspberries ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Terrible! Terrible! That wasn't so good, was it? Panel. Truman.
Truman Capote: Yeah. Well, that was dazling turgid. A gem. A gem. It's a treasure. Tell me, Leonard, where on Earth did you find it? Some of the WORST Heimeau I have ever seen! "ooh-la-la! les legs!" is a classic! It's exquisitely bad! In Heimeau's two-year search for his isi, he dredged up a perfect little actress -- Suzi! She was the pits!
Lina Wurtmuller: Yes. You know, I know Heimeau very well, and his most dominant theme in his work is the twisting woman motif, in which he never fails to nauseate me thoroughly. And you must understand, I can tell you he chooses a girl he knows will be hostile and cooperative and disrespectful throughout the entire production! Adn the colors! He really knows how to abuse his pinks, it was nauseating!
T. Lazlo de Wizzen: Well, uh, Leonard, I don't know if I have anything to contribute because my speciality in cinema critique is bad 3-D insect fear films of the '60's... and... this was one of the WORST 3-D insect fear films that I have ever seen.
Truman Capote: Oh, Lazlo! I didn't know you were into, uh, bad 3-D insect fear films. Quelle coincedence! Oh! I just happen to have a VAST collection of bad 3-D insect fear films! Why don't you come over for a private screening sometime?
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I'm sure you gentlemen can work something out. Thank you so much, panel. I'm sorry that Henri Heimeau could not be with us tonight to view his film. I'm pleased to tell you, however, that he is presently employed as a chef at the Hotel Blaine Schiller in Paris, and is reputedly the worst cook in Paris. Next week on "Bad Cinema", join me for an even worse film -- Udja Corrada's "Love on a Pin". Until then, this is Leonard Pinth-Garnell saying good night.
[ he drops the film reel into a wastebasket near his foot ]
[ dissolve to title slide: "Bad Cinema" ]
[ fade ]