76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Brezhnev's NBC Deal

Herb Goodman.....Elliot Gould
Colonel.....Dan Aykroyd
Female Aide.....Gilda Radner
Phil.....Bill Murray
Aide.....Neil Levy
Leonid Brezhnev.....John Belushi

[ open on Herb Goodman at a black-tie conference to meet Leonid Brezhnev ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel? We just ran right in from the affiliate's dinner, so perhaps we're not up-to-date on the latest details. What is this about Marshal Brezhnev wanting to back out? I thought we had a deal! The National Broadcasting Company has agreed to pay, in exchange for all videotape rights -- visual and sound -- to the 1980 Moscow-held Olympics to the Soviet People's Sports Tribunal, the sum of eighty-million American dollars. Is that right?

Colonel: Good. Plus -- I have a plus -- plus, the Army of the Soviets gets all videotape recording equipemtn and locations -- cameras, lights, trucks, screens.

Phil: [ whispering ] Herb, I'm not sure that's within the parameters which the NBC Board outlined to us...

Herb Goodman: Phil, this is the greatest deal in the history of television. I'm not gonna blow it over a few lousy minicams.

Female Aide: Gentlemen! Please agree! Marshall Brezhnev will be returning shortly!

Herb Goodman: Okay, Colonel, you've got your equipment.

Colonel: Good! Good!

[ an Aide enters ]

Aide: Excuse me. Excuse me. Mr. Brezhnev is finished in the bathroom.

[ Brezhnev enters the room wiping off his pants leg ]

[ everyone takes a seat at a large table ]

Herb Goodman: Colonel, I guess you can tell Marshall Brezhnev that we have a deal?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet!

Colonel: No! He says no deal! He has additional demands.

Phil: [ nervously ] Additional demands? Herb, I thought we covered everything...?

Herb Goodman: Colonel, please correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't we already agreed to all of your terms?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

[ Brezhnev uses his finger as a rocket and mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Female Aide: He is saying he will go home and push the --

Herb Goodman: Yes, yes, I think I know what he means. What else can we do for him?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says he would like to see more detailed operation of your network, inside.

Phil: I'll set up a studio tour for him.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Brezhnev: Nyet! Nyet!

Colonel: He wants to be on television.

Herb Goodman: I have no problem with that, Phil.

Phil: When?

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: The night before the SALT talks.

Herb Goodman: Well, I'm sure Programming would JUMP at that!

Phil: Yeah, but I can foresee some very heavy resistance from Legal on this...

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

[ Brezhnev again mimes a nuclear explosion ]

Herb Goodman: Well, I'm sure we can arrange something. Phil, give Network News a call, maybe he can do an hour with Chancellor.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: No, no, no -- no Chancellor!

Female Aide: He says he wants to go to Coast!

Brezhnev: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Colonel: He wants to be on Johnny!

Herb Goodman: Phil, call Freddy in L.A. -- tell him to book Soviet Party Leader Brezhnev on Carson.

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Female Aide: Wait! Wait! He says he doesn't want to be on last fifteen minutes of program!

[ the Colonel leans in to translate to Brezhnev ]

Colonel: He says... he wants to be on with Johnny! No guest hosts! No David Brenner! No McLean Stevenson!

Female Aide: Is also, he says, he wants special guest: Clint Eastwood!

[ Brezhnev mimes shooting pistols ]

Phil: Herb... you know he could guest host.

Herb Goodman: That's a GREAT idea, Phil! [ quietly ] Look, we're in a position here to save the world. [ tp Brezhnev ] YOU on Johnny! Johnny! And heeeeeeeeeeere's... Leonid!!"

[ Brezhnev hums the "Tonight Show Theme" and mimes swinging Johnny's invisible golf club ]

Colonel: Good!

Herb Goodman: Well? Well? Well? Do we have a deal?! Do we have a deal?!

Colonel: Good! We've got a deal!

[ Brezhnev leans in to translate to his Female Aide ]

Female Aide: Oh! Also... he would very much like to say:

Brezhnev: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"