Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Trans Eastern Flight

Sherry.....Laraine Newman
Male Passenger 1.....Eric Idle
Female Passenger 1.....Jane Curtin
Male Passenger 2.....John Belushi
Male Passenger 3.....Garrett Morris
Other Passengers.....Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Al Franken
Captain.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Trans Eastern airplane during flight. Slow pan along the aisle to familiarize the audience with the passengers on board.]

[ the Stewardess, Sherry, steps out from behind the curtain and picks up the PA phone to address the passengers ]

Sherry: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Trans Eastern's Royal Luau jet service from Los Angeles to New York. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for flying Trans Eastern today, and to wish you a pleasant flight. My name is Sherry Norwalk, and I'll be your hostess here in First Class. Our captain is Mr. David Harbeson, and our first mate is Paul Maguire. Our two flight attendants will be Karen, and Pam Boucher. We'll be flying at an altitude of 18,000 feet for the first part --

Male Passenger 1: This is awfully boring. Do you suppose we could do without the rest of your opening talk, please?

Sherry: Certainly, sir. [ she hangs up the PA phone ]

Male Passenger 1: Thank you. [ he returns to his seat ]

Sherry: But we must request that you put your hand luggage under your seat during take-off.

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun again ] Would you mind, terribly, if I kept it in my lap?

Sherry: Oh, of course not!

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ to Male Passenger 1 ] Uh -- uh, excuse me? [ he turns ] I couldn't help but notice your gun.

Male Passenger 1: Oh, yes! It's a Colt .38 police special, with a six-ounce trigger puller and mercury-one slugs.

Female Passenger 1: Really! [ whips out a gun of her own, as Sherry steps forward to distribute drinks ] I've got a .32 caliber Smith & Wesson revolver, and it's, uh -- excuse me. [ points her gun at Sherry ] Miss!! Oh, Miss! Would you mind terribly if I had an extra bag of macademia nuts to take to my neice in Garden City?

Sherry: Oh, certainly not, Ma'am. [ hands her the nuts ] Here you go. And here's an extra set of headsets, compliments of Trans Eastern!

Male Passenger 2: Oh, Miss? [ stands with a rifle ] Excuse me, but, uh -- is it okay if I smoke a joint in the can?

Sherry: Certainly!

Male Passenger 2: [ he pats a doberman pinchser ] I'm just gonna leave my doberman here in the aisle, okay?

Sherry: Oh, that's quite alright. [ she pats the dog's head ] I don't see what harm it'll do.

Male Passenger 2: Stay, boy! [ he walks off ]

Sherry: Uh, sir? Could I get you a magazine? We have, uh... U.S. News Weekly, and Forbes Business World...?

Male Passenger 3: Is -- is that all that you have?

Sherry: Yes, I think that it is, sir.

Male Passenger 3: Say, uh -- [ points a machine gun at her ] do you suppose that you could find me a copy of Hustler, or Players?

Sherry: [ laughs nervously ] I'll go check!

Male Passenger 3: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ points her gun at Sherry ] Oh, Miss! When the movie starts, do you think it would be possible to keep it in focus?

Sherry: Oh, no problem!

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] And give us something othr than "Alex & The Gypsy" or "Harry & Walter Go To New York"!

Sherry: Oh, no trouble at all!

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun agin ] Oh! Oh! And one more thing -- as a special favor, would you mind asking the pilot NOT to point out the Grand Canyon in the middle of the movie?

Sherry: Not at all, Ma'am!

[ she steps behind the curtain, then quickly re-emerges holding a pair of magazines ]

Sherry: [ to Male Passenger 3 ] Here are your magazines, sir!

Male Passenger 3: Thank you VERY much!

Male Passenger 2: [ returning from the bathroom with his rifle pointed ] Oh, uh, Miss? Do you mind if I have something else besides that plastic salisbury steak, uh, that I wouldn't even feed my dog?

Sherry: Of course, sir!

Male Passenger 2: Ah, thank you very much.

[ as Sherry returns to the curtain, the Captain emerges ]

Captain: Hi, Sherry.

Sherry: Hi!

Captain: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, just remain calm! I'm prepared to take you WHEREVER you want to go -- we have enough fuel to reach Algiers, Beirut, Tripoli --

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Take us to New York! On schedule!

Captain: [ he chuckles ] New York on schedule! I don't know about that! We've, uh, we've never done that before! My, uh, flight plan called for a three-hour stack-up over Kennedy.

Male Passenger 1: Well, just this once, couldn't we simply arrive on time?

Captain: Well, I'll radio the air controller and do what I can, but I can't promise anything! [ he laughs ]

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Captain: [ as he returns to the cockpit ] Hi, Sherry.

Sherry: Hi, Captain! [ puts a pillow behind Male Passenger 1's head ] Here's a little pillow to make you --

Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun ] Say! Aren't you the stewardess who does the commercial for this airline?

Sherry: Yes, that's me! [ she smiles ]

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Oh, I'd LOVE to hear it! It's one of my favorites!

Sherry: Ohhh, right here, now? I couldn't! It's too embarrassing!

[ the passengers encourage her by pointing all their firearms at her ]

Sherry: Okay, I guess I could! Alright! I'm so nervous! [ she gulps ] Hi! I'm Sherry! Stick a gun in my mouth, and you can fly me anywhere! [ she holds up a gun ] And, at Trans Eastern, we give you your own gun!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in one woman with SUPER: "Has Memorized Johnny Carson's Wardrobe" ]

[ fade ]

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