76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

.....Jane Curtin
.....Bill Murray
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Weekend Update,” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Before we get to the news, I’d like to mention that the coveted Pulitzer Prizes were awarded this week, and the Pulitzer Prize in Broadcast Journalism was won by…guess who? Our own Weekend Update. The award is for superior achievement, responsibility, and accuracy in reporting. I’d like to thank the judges for this honor, and we’ll try to live up to it. Thank you, thank you…thank you.

Our top story tonight: Erin Fleming, manager and companion of veteran comedian Groucho Marx, was relieved of her duties yesterday by a California judge, pending a court hearing next month. Miss Fleming, in an effort to elude reporters and photographers, has adopted a disguise in hopes of maintaining her privacy. [doctored photo of Fleming with trademark Groucho eyebrows, glasses, moustache and cigar] She has also filed an application to legally change her name to “Flemmo.”

[photo of Walter Cronkite feeding a forkful of food to Congressman Bela Abzug] At a fundraising dinner in New York, former Congresswoman Bela Abzug threw up on Walter Cronkite’s fork as a protest as what she labeled the “male-dominated TV news establishment.”

Alex Haley, author of the bestselling Roots, has been accused of plagiarizing material from existing works by two other authors, Margaret Alexander’s Jubilee, and Harold Courlander’s The African. Haley claims it’s just a coincidence, and shrugging off the charges he went back to finishing his new novel, Moby Dick.

[picture of an iceberg] That giant iceberg which broke off Antarctica is moving northward towards South America. NASA released this picture, claiming it was a satellite photograph of the 45-by-25-mile iceberg, but our sources report it is actually an aerial shot of Idi Amin’s Wasserman test. More on this condition as it develops.

[photo of a man crossing his eyes, imitating a fish] Well, a Philadelphia man has filed a 2-million-dollar malpractice suit against his plastic surgeon. The surgeon, shown here, says, “I was just trying to make him look normal.”

And now, this week’s editorial by correspondent Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: Thank you Jane. In a landmark ruling this week, the United States Supreme Court declared that the spanking of schoolchildren by teachers or other school officials is constitutional. This five-to-four endorsement of corporal punishment should not be taken lightly. Imagine, if you will, that you are a fifth-grade teacher, and your class is lined up for a fire drill, and an 11-year-old girl in the class talks to her neighbor. No big crime. Children are at times unruly, but perhaps she should be taught a lesson.

OK, have her stay after school. You wouldn’t want to humiliate her in front of her classmates. Then take the child, so pure, so frail, so unsuspecting, and put her over your knee, gently, ever so gently. But first, your mind wanders, and images of sunny Sundays, and breakfast with Mom and Dad, walks in the park with Gramps. Love, so much love.

The kids at school made fun of you and they called you “sissy.” The boys laughed at you in gym class and they said you weren’t as masculine as they were. You couldn’t climb the ropes. And the showers, of course, were the hardest. “Bald Billy,” they called you. Now the girls, the girls, they- they laughed the hardest, giggling behind your back and pointing at you. “Billy, Billy, what’s the matter? The boys won’t play baseball with you!”

Then in high school, you called them, asked them on dates, but still they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. And you waited at home on Saturday night, watching wrestling on TV. And then Gramps died. And then Mom, well, she left Dad, and married a guy who laughed when he heard you were 23 years old and you’d never been kissed. And Mom, she laughed too, with this weird guy she married. And you swore you’d get even, get even with all of the people that laughed. And now’s your chance.

It takes what seems like an eternity, but you take the trembling girl on your knee, and you pull up her dress. Yes, you’re almost home now. Your hands are shaking, but you must continue. And then the panties, oh, the panties. They’re white, and they’ve got pink or light blue trim. And you touch the panties, and you pull down the panties. And there are firm, white mounds of heaven. Sweet, sweet, sweet nirvana. The girls made fun of me, yeah. They giggled, they pointed, they stood me up. But now they’ll pay for it.

And you hit those mounds, [pounds his right hand on the desk repeatedly] and you hit those mounds again and again, you hit them until you beg for mercy, and are you gonna do it again? And you’ll show ‘em. Gramps? Huh? Why did you die? I missed you! Mom? Why did you remarry? Huh? Why did you leave me? Why can’t I be like everybody else? Huh? I’ll show you why! Are you gonna do it again? No! [stops]

This is Bill Murray, for “Weekend Update.” Back to you, Jane. [applause]

Jane Curtin: [photo of an infant playing a child-sized tuba] Still to come, an alternative to breastfeeding, after this message.

[Dissolve to Oxxon commercial]

Jane Curtin: Soviet Communist Party Chief Leonid Brezhnev surprised the world this week.

[photo of a Minnesota Twins player holding an umbrella on the field] Mary Poppins’ husband, Marty Poppins, has been signed a shortstop by the Minnesota Twins. Marty is shown here landing in the stadium just in time to field a ground ball and throw the runner out at first. A capacity crowd of 55 thousand saluted him by singing two choruses of “Chim Chim Cher-ee.”

And now, here’s this week’s editorial reply by Emily Litella. [applause]

Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you, thank you Jane. Tonight’s commentary is concerned with air solution. Now, what’s all this fuss I hear about air solution? I don’t— [cracks up] Oh God! I can’t…

Jane Curtin: [smiling] What’s so funny?

Emily Litella: That was the worst joke I ever made. It wasn’t even close!

Jane Curtin: I’m well aware of that. What’s wrong with you?

Emily Litella: Oh I’m sorry, Miss Curtin. I’m just not myself, I’m quite preoccupied.

Jane Curtin: Preoccupied with what?

Emily Litella: Oh, my man, my man! Oh, you know, oh, my juices are all flowing. I’m all juiced up!

Jane Curtin: Who is this guy, anyway?

Emily Litella: [proudly] Tom Snyder!

Jane Curtin: Tom Snyder? You, Emily Litella, are in love with Tom Snyder.

Emily Litella: What a hunk!

Jane Curtin: Well, I guess he’s appealing, but, uh, I’d never trust him. Besides, he’s going to California anyway.

Emily Litella: Well, don’t talk about him that way. I love him!

Jane Curtin: Oh come on, he’s not worth it. Look at his hair! He’ll only hurt you.

Emily Litella: I love him! I love him! I love him! And where he goes I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow! He’ll always be my true love, my true love, my true love, From now until forever, forever, forever!

[singing to the tune of “I Will Follow Him”]

"I will swallow him."

Jane Curtin: Emily? Emily?

Emily Litella: "Swallow him wherever he may go!
There isn’t an o--"

Jane Curtin: EMILY!

Emily Litella: What??

Jane Curtin: That’s “I Will Follow Him.” Not “Swallow Him,” “Follow Him.”

Emily Litella: [pauses] Ohhh. Well that’s different. That’s very different!

Tom, if you’re watching: Never mind.

Jane Curtin: That’s our news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Jane and Emily awkwardly stare at each other. Fade]


Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo