Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21












76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Bank Robber Disguises

Male Customer 1.....Tom Davis
Ron.....Dan Aykroyd
Guard.....Jim Downey
Male Teller.....Bill Murray
Female Teller 1.....Shelley Duvall
Female Teller 2.....Laraine Newman
Cecile.....Gilda Radner
Herbie.....John Belushi
Ray.....Garrett Morris
Female Customer 1.....Jane Curtin
Other Customers.....Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster, Anne Beatts
FBI Bank Squad 1.....Tom Schiller
FBI Bank Squad 2.....Neil Levy
FBI Bank Squad 3.....Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, bank, as Male Customer 1 makes his exit toward the door following his transaction ]

[ before Male Customer 1 reaches the door, a bank robber, Ron, dressed with a stocking over his face and oranges over his eyes, bursts in pointing a rifle ]

Ron: FREEZE, EVERYBODY, FREEZE!!! Good morning, this is a bank robbery!! [ points his rifle at the guard ] YOU!! Drop your gun belt,and kick it over here!! [ points his rifle at the tellers ] Okay, listen to me, clearly!! Alright, tellers, open your cash drawers halfway! Everybody else, lie down on the floor, keep your hands above your heads! [ everyone crouches to the floor ] No movement, no noise, or I start shooting! Is that clear?! Is that clear?! Just listen to me, and everything will be all right!!

[ a Male Teller clumsily reaches into a drawer and pulls out a pistol ]

Ron: You drop that, sucker, or I'll take your head right off!!

Female Teller 1: [ to her co-worker ] Drop it!

[ the Male Teller drops the pistol ]

Ron: Okay, I've got my people with me, we DON'T want to hurt anybody! We just want to pull this off clean and nice, alright?

[ the rest of the gang burst into the bank, dressed collectively as a cowboy, witch, and ghost. They all point their rifles. ]

Ron: Okay! Ray, Cecile, clean out those cash drawers! Make sure NO metal touches any other metal!

[ the others surround the counter ]

Cecile: Alright, come on!

Ron: Alright, Herbie, pick up his gun, and his gun, and make HIM open the vault! I'm counting now: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5!

Female Teller 1: Excuse me! Excuse me!

Ron: What?!

Female Teller 1: I have a question?

Ron: What is it?

Female Teller 1: Uh -- you're supposed to be disguised, right?

Ron: Yeah?

Female Teller 1: Uhhh, okay, so... she's a witch, and, uh, he's a clown... and he's a cowboy. So, what are you supposed to be?

Ron: Uh -- what?!

Female Teller 1: Uh, your disguise? Who are you supposed to be, you know?

Ron: [ annoyed ] I'm an INSECT!! A bug! You know.

Female Teller 2: Uh -- uh, I'm sorry, but -- [ she laughs ] How do you figure an insect. I mean, it's just a nylong stocking with two oranges stuck on your eyes. I mean, I don't -- I don't see an insect there!

Ron: You don't?

Female Teller 2: [ scared ] No-o-o!

Ron: Oh. Well... I'm supposed to be, like, a grasshopper. I'm a praying mantis! Yeah, that's it! I'm a praying mantis! [ he riaes his hands in front of his face and hisses ]

Female Teller 2: [ trembling ] Uh -- uh -- you don't look like one.

Ron: Well, forget it!! Shut up and let us work!! [ he continues ] 21! 22! 23!

Cecile: Ron? Ron? You know, she's right! You don't look like an insect!

Herbie: Yeah, man! You don't look like any insect at all!

Ray: Yeah, man! You know, I'm glad you told me, because I neeeeever would have guessed it!

Ron: [ points to two of the tellers ] You!! You!! Give me a pencil!! [ Teller 1 hands him two pencils ] Okay! How about this?! [ he shoves the two pencils into his mouth, raises his hands, and hisses once again ]

Female Teller 2: No! No! That -- that just looks -- looks like two -- two pencils.

Female Teller 1: [ smiling ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I see an insect!

Ron: Yeah!

Female Teller 1: Yeah!

Ron: Yeah, you just use your imagination, an insect will come to you no problem!

Female Teller 1: It's really good!

Ron: Yeah! [ he chuckles heartily ]

Herbie: No, man, I'm not going for it! That's the WORST disguise I've ever seen in my life!

Ray: Yeah, yeah, man...

Female Customer 1: I -- I agree! You can see that everybody else really worked on their costumes!

Crowd: Yeah!!

Cecile: It's true! I put a lot of time and money into this costume. How -- what -- how do you get off showing up like that?!

Herbie: Yeah! Really, man! This was the last cowboy suit in town! I had to go to three fittings!

Ron: [ aggravated ] COME ON!! Now, I worked all month planning this job!! Remember, when we started out, I was gonna get three matching harlequin costumes!! You know? So we'd look nice! But somebody else TOOK them!! There's nothing I could do about it!! Plus, I had to plan the escape routes, I planned this whole thing! I had to look at traffic patterns, one-way streets, service alleys -- I just didn't have TIME to pick up a costume!!

Ray: Well, man, THAT'S no excuse, 'cause I came in on this thing yesterday, and I had time to get me a halfway decent costume together!

Female Customer 1: It's true! At least you know he's supposed to be a ghost! I mean, he's a ghost, right? [ the crowd agrees ] But, uh, there's no way that you're an insect!

Female Teller 1: Well, I see it! I think it's a GREAT costume! It's so simple, you know?

Ron: Thanks.

Female Customer 1: Well, now, I like the cowboy. I mean, he really looks like a cowboy!

Guard: The ghost is my favorite.

Ray: Thank you very much!

Male Teller 1: Alright! Excuse me. I think we'd better SETTLE this matter before somebody gets hurt! Everybody, stand up! Bank robbery people, get over here in a line! [ the customers collect off to the side as the robbers form a line ] Now, we're gonna vote on this -- no -- no applause, just, uh -- just applause, no cheers, only. Okay, now here's, uh -- how about a cowboy? [ scattered applause ] Okay! Alright! Somebody came as a witch, how about her! [ scattered applause ] Who's this fella, dressed up as a GHOST! [ Ray stick his togue out of his mouth hole, as the applause builds for him ] Alright! Alright! Okay! And how about this guy over here, dressed like an insect?

[ only Female Teller 1 applauds, with excess enthusiasm to boot. Male Teller gives her a dirty look and quiets her applause. ]

Male Teller 1: Well... I think the voting speaks for itself, Mr. Insect.

Ron: [ desperately ] WAIT!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! I do a great frog! Give me that green, felt desk blotter there! [ she collects the blotter ] Okay, I picked this up in Woman's Day magazine -- anybody can do it, you can do it at home. Now, you just take the blotter, and you just fold it. See? [ he lamely wraps the blotter around his head ] It's a frog! Like this!

[ the crowd groans ]

Male Teller 1: Come on, it's as good as your insect!

Ron: Alright, fine! [ to his fellow robbers ] You people DON'T have to help! [ he throws his bag in front of Female Teller 1 ] Here! Fill this bag up!

[ Female Teller 1 fills the bag as the other robbers clear everyone out of the way ]

Female Teller 1: [ enthusiastically, to Ron ] I really thought your insect was the best!

Ron: Oh... thanks. That's real nice. [ light chuckle ] Would you mind counting those bills out for me? I can't see with these oranges stuck in my eyes.

Female Teller 1: Oh. [ she begins to count ]

Ron: See, originally, I got this gang together, you know -- [ he chuckles ] We, uh -- we were gonna rob banks upstate and, uh, we had this idea, you know? I was gonna get these three matching harlequin costumes, you know? Like you see a joker in a deck of cards, you know? They were real colorful. Well, we didn't have money for a deposit, so somebody else scooped them on us --

Female Teller 1: Awww.

[ the alarm sounds, as three robbers dressed in harlequin costumes burst through the door ]

FBI Bank Squad 1: Okay, everybody -- FREEZE!! FBI Bank Squad!! You're ALL under arrest!!

[ stunned silence from the roomful of people ]

Ron: WAIT!! I do a great porcupine!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! Give me twenty-five letter openers and fifty sharp pencils like this!

[ as the commotion grows, the camera swoops up into the audience and zooms toward a bushy-bearded man signalling for the camera, with SUPER: "Owns blank T-Shirt". The man gives an "okay" sign to the camera for fulfilling his thrill of a lifetime. ]

[ fade ]


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