Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading


... Shelley Duvall

Shelly Duvall: [to the camera] This week's film was made by Sharon Sacks and, this being June, the film is called "Brides."

[Fade in on a woman in a bridal veil smiling into the camera. Pull back to reveal the woman and another woman, both in full bridal regalia, ironing clothes in a kitchen as they sing the 1913 pop hit "You Made Me Love You":]

Brides: [singing]
You made me love you
I didn't want to do it
I didn't want to do it
You made me love you

[Dissolve to a series of images of brides as a narrator speaks:]

Narrator: Since the dawn of civilization, society has celebrated marriage with elaborate ceremonies and the ordering of new flatware. [brief dissolve to flatware] From Europe to the Hebrides, brides bedeck themselves in shining white dresses to symbolize the traditional French pastry. [brief dissolve to wedding cake - then dissolve to a smiling bride rotating back and forth] Psychologists have long asked themselves, "Why do men fear brides?" The answer is simple: the imposing white figure of a bride may remind a young male of dinnerware. [dissolve to dinnerware rotating back and forth in the same fashion as the bride] And all men are unnaturally afraid of dinnerware. [Cut to nervous young man] In fact, wave this Wedgwood gravy boat in their face and men will scream. [A gravy boat is thrust in the man's face - he screams.] It's a scientific fact.

[Quick fade out and in to a bride brushing her hair] Here we see a representation of the world famous "brushing bride." Variations on this theme include the "buzzing bride" ... [dissolve to the same bride making a buzzing sound through her nose] ... the "humming bride" ... [dissolve to the same bride making a humming sound through her mouth] ... and the "falling bride." [dissolve to the same bride falling out of the frame with a thud, shaking the camera a little] Thus the phrase, "bridal thud" or "clunk."

[Quick fade out and in to a pair of tap shoes, tapping out a rhythm - cut wide to reveal three maids of honor in pink gowns doing a tap dance routine as a bride sits nearby watching] Here, in southern California, in a special ceremony in the bride's home, the maids of honor do a special dance to honor the wedding of this young bride to a giant chicken. [Cut to a live chicken looming over a doll house] The chicken impatiently waits outside. [Cut to the bride's parents looking bored] While inside, the bride's parents, anxious to appear "with it," look on benevolently. [Cut to a crying bride being comforted by maids of honor in blue gowns] Meanwhile, across town, another young bride is heartbroken today because the chicken to whom she was to be married inexplicably succumbed to exposure prior to the ceremony. [Cut to a dead, plucked, ready-to-cook chicken lying in the front yard of a ranch house the size of a doll house]

[Quick fade out and in to a wedding ceremony where, instead of a priest, a bride and groom stand before a Vegas-style stand-up comedian who wears a tuxedo and speaks into a microphone:]

Comedian: He says, "Well, it's my pet penguin." He says, "I don't care!" He says, "You take him to the zoo." Guy takes off. The next day, same time...

Narrator: Many families now prefer to forego the vows themselves for the telling of the wedding joke.

Comedian: So the cop comes up to him and says, "Didn't I tell you yesterday to take that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did. Today I'm takin' him to the movies." You may kiss the bride.

[The bride and groom kiss. Quick fade out and in to three grim brides walking side by side down a street, accompanied by marching band music.]

Narrator: It is a little known fact that until just twenty years ago only blondes were permitted by law to become brides.

[Quick fade out and in to a woman with a brown paper bag over her head. Two eye holes are cut out of the bag so she can see. A photographer's flash bulb goes off and we pull back to reveal that the woman is a bride standing with the groom, a priest, and the maid of honor for a wedding photo.] Anonymous weddings are increasingly popular. This young bride, for example, owes money to a well-known and powerful department store.

[Quick fade out and in to a series of black-and-white still photos of the White House wedding of President Richard Nixon's daughter Tricia. In the final photo, Nixon has a set of false vampire fangs in his mouth.] Other novelties are finding a place in the wedding ritual. A President of the United States appeared at the wedding of his daughter Tricia several years ago sporting fangs thereby ushering in a new popularity for vampire weddings. [Cut to priest and parents, standing outside a bedroom door, inspecting a white linen stained with red spots of blood] Here we are at Marjorie's home the morning after the wedding where the happy parents surround her door. [Cut to the bedroom where the groom lies dead, two bleeding puncture marks in his neck, as the bride moves to the window] While, inside the bedroom ...

Vampire Bride: [exposing her fangs as she speaks darkly] Goodbye, Mother. You finally made a lady out of me. [The Vampire Bride transforms into a bat, via animation, and flies out the window as we hear the Singing Brides:]

Brides: [singing] You know you made me love you ...

[Dissolve to applauding audience.]

Submitted Anonymously

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