Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Programming Change

... John Belushi
... Lorne Michaels
... Shelley Duvall
... Laraine Newman
... Gilda Radner
... Jane Curtin
... Bob Van Ry

[We open cold on Home Base where an astonished John Belushi and Shelley Duvall, dressed in bee costumes, confer with producer Lorne Michaels, who holds a piece of paper in his hand and tries to placate them.]

John Belushi: [upset] I don't believe it!

Lorne Michaels: There's nothing I can do about it. I mean, I just found out about it-- I'm sorry.

John Belushi: It's typical! It's just typical!

Lorne Michaels: I'm sorry. Listen ... [hands paper to Shelley]

Shelley Duvall: We're all rehearsed.

Lorne Michaels: No, no--

John Belushi: Look, I'm in the costume, I'm all ready.

Lorne Michaels: There's nothing I can do about it.

John Belushi: There's nothing you can do?

Lorne Michaels: Nothing. I mean, I just got the word myself.

[Shelley, chewing gum, walks to center stage and addresses the camera.]

Shelley Duvall: Hi, I'm not Miss USA, I'm Shelley Duvall. [chuckles nervously, applause] Originally, uh, we were gonna start the show tonight with me and John Belushi doing the Love Scene from "The Flight of the Bumblebee" -- that's how come I'm dressed like this. But, uh, just now, a network executive contacted our producer Lorne Michaels and we had to change our plans. You see, there's this, uh, memo here. [chuckles, reads from the paper] "To all NBC producers: Because of the high cost-per-minute ratio of the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight, telecast originally on May eleventh, which, unfortunately, lasted only fifty-eight seconds, all NBC programs broadcast between now and June fifteenth will begin with the aforementioned Bobick-Norton fight. Kindest regards, Programming Unit A-C-nine-seventeen." Well, that's big business. So, here we go. [pause, Shelley looks around] I think.

[Finally, we dissolve to videotape of the fight. The bell rings signaling the first round. Ken Norton, a black man in blue trunks, and Duane Bobick, a white man in tan trunks, exchange punches for a few seconds before we cut backstage to the female cast members' dressing room. Gilda Radner sits on a make-up table fixing her costume while Laraine Newman, smoking a cigarette, watches the fight on a TV set.]

Laraine Newman: [disgusted] They cut the Love Scene from "The Flight of the Bumblebee" for this? [kills the sound on the TV and turns away to smoke her cigarette]

Gilda Radner: [annoyed, to Laraine] Hey! I was watchin' that!

Laraine Newman: [nasty] Yeah? Well, catch it in reruns. It's drivin' me up the wall!

Gilda Radner: [just as nasty] Back off, Miss Lint Hair! Miss Looks Like She Slept in a Doggy Bag!

[Provoked, Laraine crushes her cigarette and starts to strangle Gilda.]

Laraine Newman: Why, you--

Gilda Radner: No! Stop it!

[Screaming incoherently, the two women engage in a catfight. As they fall to the floor, Jane Curtin enters and tries to break it up. Meanwhile, the Norton-Bobick fight continues on the TV in the background.]

Jane Curtin: [wicked nasty] All right, you two! Knock it off! Knock it off or I'll put your dentist in a new tax bracket!

[During this, Shelley Duvall, no longer in her bee costume, enters fussing with her hair and takes a seat at the make-up table. All the women are dressed in slinky black and gold outfits. Laraine rises and retreats to a corner. Meanwhile, on the TV, Norton knocks Bobick down and the referee calls off the fight during the following:]

Laraine Newman: [to Jane] Aw, shut up or I'll let the air out of your legs.

Gilda Radner: [snatching a hairbrush out of Shelley's hand] Gimme that!

Shelley Duvall: Wait a minute! Thank God you make movies with a better class o' people.

[Offended by Shelley's comment, the others react while fixing their hair and make-up.]

Laraine Newman: Oh ho!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!

Jane Curtin: [cruelly, to Shelley] Nice teeth. Why'n't you tattoo "Steinway" on your upper lip?

Gilda Radner: [accusingly] Yeah, Shelley, what'd you do? Brush your way to the top?

Laraine Newman: [snidely, off Shelley's big round eyes] Yeah, you know, you seldom find eyes like that outside of a mouse cartoon.

Shelley Duvall: [feelings hurt] I've never done live television. I can't take it any more, you know? It's just too much.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, well, if you wanna do television, you'd better learn to take it, cupcake!

Laraine Newman: That's right. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, okay?

[On the TV, Norton has won the fight, the videotape ends and John Belushi appears on the screen in his bee costume.]

John Belushi: Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

[Somewhere in the distance, the SNL Band plays the opening theme as the opening montage plays out on the TV screen during the following:]

Jane Curtin: [tough but sympathetic, to Shelley] I know how you feel. We all know how you feel. We were once serious actresses.

Shelley Duvall: Really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yeah! Right. But weekly TV made us tough. You know what I mean, honey?

Laraine Newman: Wise up, sweetheart. You got a whole show to host out there, you know? I mean, get with it or get out!

Shelley Duvall: [adopting the tough tone of the others, to Laraine] All right. Let me tell you something, kid. With pores that size, you could drill for oil.

[Laraine and Gilda enthusuastically cheer Shelley's new attitude.]

Laraine Newman: That's it! All right!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay, Shelley! There you go. [pinches Shelley's cheek, Shelley winces in pain]

Jane Curtin: [instantly spoiling the mood] Aw, which one of you low-life's put a cigarette out in my Tab?

Gilda Radner: [to Jane] Not me, sweetheart. What are you talking about?

[Stage manager Bob Van Ry enters briefly and claps his hands at the women.]

Bob Van Ry: Okay, girls, let's go! You got thirty seconds!

Jane Curtin: [annoyed, to Bob] You're not supposed to be in here!

[The women rise from the make-up table, strip off their black jackets (embroidered with "Video Vixens" on the back) and start to exit toward Home Base. Jane and Laraine grab electric guitars as they go. Cut to the four women exiting their dressing room and walking through the audience as the band continues playing the opening theme and Don Pardo's booming voice lists the cast members:]

Don Pardo V/O: ... Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!

[The women arrive at Home Base and take the stage in front of a glittering curtain. The house lights go down as the foursome line up behind four microphones with their backs to the audience -- ready to begin their act as "Video Vixens" ...]

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