76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading
... John Belushi
... Lorne Michaels
... Shelley Duvall
... Laraine Newman
... Gilda Radner
... Jane Curtin
... Bob Van Ry
[We open cold on Home Base where an astonished John
Belushi and Shelley Duvall, dressed in bee costumes,
confer with producer Lorne Michaels, who holds a piece
of paper in his hand and tries to placate
John Belushi: [upset] I don't believe
Lorne Michaels: There's nothing I can do about
it. I mean, I just found out about it-- I'm
John Belushi: It's typical! It's just
Lorne Michaels: I'm sorry. Listen ... [hands
paper to Shelley]
Shelley Duvall: We're all rehearsed.
Lorne Michaels: No, no--
John Belushi: Look, I'm in the costume, I'm all
Lorne Michaels: There's nothing I can do about
John Belushi: There's nothing you can
Lorne Michaels: Nothing. I mean, I just got the
[Shelley, chewing gum, walks to center stage and
addresses the camera.]
Shelley Duvall: Hi, I'm not Miss USA, I'm
Shelley Duvall. [chuckles nervously, applause]
Originally, uh, we were gonna start the show tonight
with me and John Belushi doing the Love Scene from
"The Flight of the Bumblebee" -- that's how come I'm
dressed like this. But, uh, just now, a network
executive contacted our producer Lorne Michaels and we
had to change our plans. You see, there's this, uh,
memo here. [chuckles, reads from the paper] "To all
NBC producers: Because of the high cost-per-minute
ratio of the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight,
telecast originally on May eleventh, which,
unfortunately, lasted only fifty-eight seconds, all
NBC programs broadcast between now and June fifteenth
will begin with the aforementioned Bobick-Norton
fight. Kindest regards, Programming Unit
A-C-nine-seventeen." Well, that's big business. So,
here we go. [pause, Shelley looks around] I
[Finally, we dissolve to videotape of the fight. The
bell rings signaling the first round. Ken Norton, a
black man in blue trunks, and Duane Bobick, a white
man in tan trunks, exchange punches for a few seconds
before we cut backstage to the female cast members'
dressing room. Gilda Radner sits on a make-up table
fixing her costume while Laraine Newman, smoking a
cigarette, watches the fight on a TV set.]
Laraine Newman: [disgusted] They cut the Love
Scene from "The Flight of the Bumblebee" for this?
[kills the sound on the TV and turns away to smoke her
Gilda Radner: [annoyed, to Laraine] Hey! I was
Laraine Newman: [nasty] Yeah? Well, catch it in
reruns. It's drivin' me up the wall!
Gilda Radner: [just as nasty] Back off, Miss
Lint Hair! Miss Looks Like She Slept in a Doggy
[Provoked, Laraine crushes her cigarette and starts to
Laraine Newman: Why, you--
Gilda Radner: No! Stop it!
[Screaming incoherently, the two women engage in a
catfight. As they fall to the floor, Jane Curtin
enters and tries to break it up. Meanwhile, the
Norton-Bobick fight continues on the TV in the
Jane Curtin: [wicked nasty] All right, you two!
Knock it off! Knock it off or I'll put your dentist in
a new tax bracket!
[During this, Shelley Duvall, no longer in her bee
costume, enters fussing with her hair and takes a seat
at the make-up table. All the women are dressed in
slinky black and gold outfits. Laraine rises and
retreats to a corner. Meanwhile, on the TV, Norton
knocks Bobick down and the referee calls off the fight
during the following:]
Laraine Newman: [to Jane] Aw, shut up or I'll
let the air out of your legs.
Gilda Radner: [snatching a hairbrush out of
Shelley's hand] Gimme that!
Shelley Duvall: Wait a minute! Thank God you
make movies with a better class o' people.
[Offended by Shelley's comment, the others react while
fixing their hair and make-up.]
Laraine Newman: Oh ho!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!
Jane Curtin: [cruelly, to Shelley] Nice teeth.
Why'n't you tattoo "Steinway" on your upper
Gilda Radner: [accusingly] Yeah, Shelley,
what'd you do? Brush your way to the top?
Laraine Newman: [snidely, off Shelley's big
round eyes] Yeah, you know, you seldom find eyes like
that outside of a mouse cartoon.
Shelley Duvall: [feelings hurt] I've never done
live television. I can't take it any more, you know?
It's just too much.
Gilda Radner: Yeah, well, if you wanna do
television, you'd better learn to take it,
Laraine Newman: That's right. If you can't
stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, okay?
[On the TV, Norton has won the fight, the videotape
ends and John Belushi appears on the screen in his bee
John Belushi: Live from New York, it's Saturday
[Somewhere in the distance, the SNL Band plays the
opening theme as the opening montage plays out on the
TV screen during the following:]
Jane Curtin: [tough but sympathetic, to
Shelley] I know how you feel. We all know how you
feel. We were once serious actresses.
Shelley Duvall: Really?
Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yeah! Right. But weekly TV
made us tough. You know what I mean, honey?
Laraine Newman: Wise up, sweetheart. You got a
whole show to host out there, you know? I mean, get
with it or get out!
Shelley Duvall: [adopting the tough tone of the
others, to Laraine] All right. Let me tell you
something, kid. With pores that size, you could drill
[Laraine and Gilda enthusuastically cheer Shelley's
Laraine Newman: That's it! All right!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay, Shelley! There you
go. [pinches Shelley's cheek, Shelley winces in
Jane Curtin: [instantly spoiling the mood] Aw,
which one of you low-life's put a cigarette out in my
Gilda Radner: [to Jane] Not me, sweetheart.
What are you talking about?
[Stage manager Bob Van Ry enters briefly and claps his
hands at the women.]
Bob Van Ry: Okay, girls, let's go! You got
Jane Curtin: [annoyed, to Bob] You're not
supposed to be in here!
[The women rise from the make-up table, strip off
their black jackets (embroidered with "Video Vixens"
on the back) and start to exit toward Home Base. Jane
and Laraine grab electric guitars as they go. Cut to
the four women exiting their dressing room and walking
through the audience as the band continues playing the
opening theme and Don Pardo's booming voice lists the
Don Pardo V/O: ... Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris,
Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!
[The women arrive at Home Base and take the stage in
front of a glittering curtain. The house lights go
down as the foursome line up behind four microphones
with their backs to the audience -- ready to begin
their act as "Video Vixens" ...]