76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Video Vixens

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Howard Shore

... Shelley Duvall
... Laraine Newman
... Gilda Radner
... Jane Curtin

[In slinky black and gold outfits, host Shelley Duvall and the three female cast members stand at Home Base in front of a glittering curtain. Jane and Laraine carry electric guitars. They are lined up behind four microphones on the stage with their arms raised and their backs to the audience. The SNL Band is playing the opening theme.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, the Video Vixens!

[The opening theme ends. The band launches into the song "Video Vixens." SUPER: Video Vixens. A flash of light, a puff of smoke, and the women turn to face the audience, hollering things like, "Hey, rock 'n' roll!" Throughout the number, they pose as sluttily and provocatively as possible and sing:]

Vixens: [singing]
They call us joke junkies
And punch line punks
And when we hear them talkin'
We get in coast to coast funks
But they can just say what they want
'Cause we remember sticks 'n'
Stones can't break the bones
Of a Video Vixen

Gilda Radner: Hey! Hey!

[Jane and Laraine throw away their electric guitars.]

Vixens: [singing]
We're Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
Every week for an hour and a half
All we want to do is make - you -

Gilda Radner: Laugh hard-duh!

Vixens: [faking orgasms] Uh uh uh!

Jane Curtin: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Shelley Duvall: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Laraine Newman: Harderrrrrr!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!
[singing]
When we come on to your screen
It makes us feel just like a queen
All we wanna do once a week
Is to put our tongue in your cheek

Gilda Radner: Baba Wawa makes you feel so good

Jane Curtin: "Update" makes you happy like I knew it would

Shelley Duvall: And, as your host, you'll find me, oh, so nice!

Laraine Newman: When I'm Sherry, you just want me to do it twice
[shouts]
And the only way we really like it is with forty million people watching!

Vixens: [singing]
We're Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
You turn us on every week, it's true
That's why our ratings don't go down on you

Jane Curtin: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: Go down on you!

Shelley Duvall: Go down on you!

Laraine Newman: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: [imitates Steve Martin] Well, excuuuuuuse me!

Vixens: [chanting]
We ain't afraid of no one in prime time and they better beware
We'd take on Rhoda, Phyllis, or Laverne and Shirley, we swear
Why, if they ever tread on our turf, we'd tear out their hair
And that goes twice for Cher!
And after "Victory at Entebbe" we were waitin' for days
To beat the livin' daylights out o' Helen Hayes!
Helen Hayes! Helen Hayes!
[singing]
We're media minxes
You know we're show biz sphinxes
We're late night lynxes
Our favorite trucks are Brinkses
We're transfixin' hicks in the sticks
Not to mention Harrys, Toms and Dicks
We're Video Vixens
We're not Jeane Dixon
No dirty tricks 'n'
Richard Nixon

Gilda and Laraine: We're Jewish girls

Jane and Shelley: And we're shiksens

Vixens: [singing]
But mostly we're just
Videoooooooo Vixens
[shouting]
Get it - unh!

[Applause as the women march in a circle onstage hollering things like "Rock 'n' roll!" before returning to the mikes as the song ends. They bow.]

Shelley Duvall: Yeah! Rock 'n' roll! Rock 'n' roll! Whooo! All right, all right. We'll be right back after this message, honey.

[The music returns as the woman dance off stage.]


Submitted Anonymously