76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Michael O'Donoghue

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

... Buck Henry
... Michael O'Donoghue
Mormon Tabernacle Choir ... Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, many others

[Buck Henry stands at a darkened home base addressing the camera.]

Buck Henry: A year or so ago, it was my distinct good fortune to introduce one of the most amazing men it's been my privilege ever to see in the world of show business -- that unique and extraordinary impressionist, Mr. Michael O'Donoghue.

[Applause. Henry turns to the shadows behind him and applauds as a burst of Vegas-style show music kicks in. From the shadows emerges Michael O'Donoghue -- sometimes known as the evil Mr. Mike -- wearing his garish paisley tuxedo and dark glasses. O'Donoghue and Henry shake hands and Henry exits. The music and applause end and O'Donoghue addresses the camera, earnestly.]

Michael O'Donoghue: As a top impressionist, I spend so much of my time out on the road doing club dates. And the thing I like to do the most after the show to relax and sort of wind down ... You just turn on the old stereo and listen to a great choir. And when you're talkin' great choir, you're talkin' Mormon Tabernacle Choir. [Audience bursts into applause, O'Donoghue eggs them on:] Yeah! Yeah! All right! All right! [Applause ends.] You know, I kid the Mormon Tabernacle Choir but -- I love 'em. And I happened to be in Utah recently so I drove over to the tabernacle to hear them and while they were singing "Shenandoah" or "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" or "For Unto Us a Child is Born" -- you know, one of those moving, inspirational songs that just sends a chill right up your spine -- well, I was listening to this and a funny thought occurred to me. I thought, what if someone took steel needles -- well, well, actually, hundreds of pairs of steel needles -- say, fifteen, eighteen inches long -- with real sharp points -- and plunged them into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's eyes? What would their reaction be? I think it might go something like this.

[O'Donoghue removes his glasses, pockets them, and turns around as the lights at home base go up to reveal a massive choir of people in dark robes. O'Donoghue faces this choir, takes a pitch pipe from his pocket and blows a note. The choir responds by humming the note back at him. All is quiet as O'Donoghue steadies himself, then grandly raises his arms in the air. The choir responds by covering their eyes with their hands. All pause for a moment, motionless, silent. O'Donoghue glances to his left, then turns back to the choir. His arms drop and suddenly he and the choir begin clutching their eyes, screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs, staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing around on the stage, kicking, trying to get up and then falling, dropping to their knees in agony, etc. After a few moments of this chaos and confusion, Buck Henry returns to join the audience in applauding the choir which is sprawled and writhing all over home base.]


Submitted Anonymously